Industry Jobs

You're sitting at home wondering, "How can I make money, doing what I love the most?"  If you're anything like me I'll have you know: that's gross.  No one will pay you for that.  But, when it comes to getting paid for what you like second, or third most, I've accumulated some helpful pointers that will get you a job in your desired field.

First you've got to apply.  The old fashioned way is best, but if you haven’t any experience taking hostages and negotiating, you can attempt giving your resume and cover letter directly to the hiring manager.  Depending on exact methodology, either of those techniques could potentially lead to jail time.  Or an interview.

Now, many people who haven’t interviewed recently, or at all, forget important interview preparation rules.  First make sure the moon is between the Waning and Waxing Gibbous phase.  Second, write down some questions you’ll want to ask the interviewer like, “Do you have any single daughters?”  Also, no matter how much you need the job, refrain from saying, “If I don't get this job my children will starve and I really just want this, please give me this job."  Because interviewers hate children. Also, as a final note before we get to our actual interview question and responses from an actual interview, if you’re asked, “How would your last boss describe you?” they don’t mean literally.

Now, actual interview questions, and their ideal answers:

Interviewer: Hello, thank you.  Please sit down.. Mr?

Unemployed Schlup: Oh, I’m Unemployed Schlup.

Interviewer: Please, sit down you poor schlup.  Let’s get right to it.  Do you think humans need to be paid, to be content with their work?

Unemployed Schlup: Haha, thanks, that’s a great question Gene.((Use this name in all situations))  Thanks for asking.

Interviewer: What have I done?

Unemployed Schlup: Well, not to be too genial, ha-ha, here, but I've been hard at work((insert gratuitous telling winks)) on a personal project of mine, that showcases that I’m a dedicated, intelligent, fun-loving, gay-friendly, enjoys-long-walks-on-the-beach kind of employee.

Interviewer: Alright, great, great, that’s great.  Good.  So, do you have any pet peeves?

Unemployed Schlup: Hearing the word 'walk' and not getting to go on a walk, not being allowed food from the table, and generally being tripped over or kicked, when I've snuck up behind someone’s legs.  Though sometimes, it just seems like attention, so I like it then.

Interviewer:  Alright.  Alright, thank you for your time.  We’ll be in contact with you Unemployed Schlup.

It’s important to follow up with an email or a phone call and thank your interviewer while reasserting your interest in the position.  The best time is before the interview is over, to thirty seconds after it ends.  Otherwise the interviewer may wonder if you were really passionate for the job, or if you just had a spare resume and tailored-to-their-company-cover-letter lying around and figured, "why not?"

Businesses understand that times are hard, and will do their best to get back to you in two to four months.  Until then, you should work at your father’s magnificent farm, and enjoy laboring in your desired field.