A Short Story

Mr. Penterbottom here.  I was hoping to share some short stories I've been working on. (1.) A boy wanted ice cream.  He threw a fit.  He got ice cream. (2.) A girl leaves crying.

Now, after writing those I wondered, which one is the best story?  Obviously!  It's the girl who leaves crying.  Why can't the boy compete?  You already know everything about him.  He wants ice cream.  He is not tortured.  He is lusting after a silly indulgence.  But, the crying dame.  Is she not distressed?  Is it not our sworn duty to protect her?  Here we're supposed to ignore flippant children.  Possibly, though some do disagree, hit them when they're being too flippant.  I myself am not one for hitting children, but that's only because I was, in fact, hit.

Oh anyways, back to the girl.  Why did she leave crying?  That's the mystery.  Surely it was... heartbreak?  Perhaps.  As you know love can begin with a look.  Well, maybe the gaze was broken.  Or maybe he looked away entirely from this girl.  Oh one can't always be sure when it comes to looks.  Eyes are hard to follow.  Why once, I was chasing a pair down alleyways and through slums in New York City.  Never did catch them.  I tried for days though.  A glimpse here, a hint there.

Sidetracked again.  That girl, the crying one.  As immaterial as she was before, she became in fact a centerpiece of my life's story.  She set me on my current path as it were.  Let me just say, and remember this, nothing good will come of comforting a crying girl.  But, as they say, "Resistance is futile."  Ha-ha. Hah.  Forgive me, humor from before your time.

Now, I'm off to see Bruno.  Yes, I'm afraid you guessed it.  He is in fact the boy who wanted ice cream.  All grown up.  Well, as all grown up as such a child could become.

Double Post Day!

That's right!  Two posts in one day.((The second is incoming.))  But I didn't want to overload the other post with silly babble about how things work and so-on.

There's a new schedule in town.  It is as follows:
-Monday -> Recurring character day!  Just when you thought you'd heard the last of him*, he'll be back!  So, if you read the writing here, but want more consistency, come back on Mondays.

-Wednesday -> Comic day!  Or general kind of art day.  I'll draw a thing, and then post a thing.  That will be followed up with you viewing a thing.  If that's your thing, kinda thing.

-Friday -> A humorous non-fiction piece.  With possible fictional content.


*He may be a she.  Not necessarily.  But possibly.

We're all excited over here about these new changes, let us know how you feel about them.  Excited?  Content?  Exuberant?

Exciting! Just Not Now

Please bear with us over the next month while we reevaluate and update our processes.  Posting will be put on hold during this period.  Thank you for your understanding and readership.

-The Management

Did You Ever Read..?

It's a classic book.  It's a book that only goes to show and prove how classic classic books are.  "Penthouse Chronicles Volume 4."  Have you read it?  It's really changed my perception of the world.  You should read it.  Oh, you definitely will?  Fantastic!

Hey did you read that book?  No?  Oh that's fine.  I'm over it.  But have you ever read another book that means something deep to me?  It's "The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex."  They teach you all about bank robberies and spousal abuse, all the while never attaining satisfaction.  When you buy it you get put on an FBI watch list.  Probably just a Timex though, you've got to buy something like "Building Bombs and Blowing Senators - A Prostitute's Inside Look at Government, Finances, and Love" to get on their Rolex list. BBaBS is great though, it's a post-modern romp of sexuality mixed with just enough realism to give you something to hold onto.

Hey, did you ever read that book we talked about?  Good, it was old news anyways.  I just picked up, "How Cooking Nothing But Grease Fat Made Me Disgusted About Eating and How You Can Also Lose 30lbs a Month Starting Now!"  You should come over for dinner tomorrow, having someone to talk to for the first month of not wanting to eat helps ease the pressure.

By the way, I am looking at this great book, it's "How to Talk to Friends and Keep Them."  Will you go with me to buy it?  Oh, yeah no I'm usually busy Mondays too, I just don't have work tomorrow is all.  Yeah, no I'll let you know how it is though!

This is an Article

You may dislike labels, but I personally, ((As opposed to the impersonal I.)) am quite the fan of them.  How else would I know your mother is a "lady of the night?" ((Oh, I'll tell you how else I'd know.  You're not going to like it.  But she did, if you know what I mean.)) Surely, just because I'm only paid as a minimum wage employee, that isn't the crux of my life.  Why, I'm a writer and a dreamer before that!

Ah to be a dreamer.  What a noble profession.  A dreamer is one who performs an activity usually relegated to a time of sleep during the less comfortable daylight hours.  You never hear about police officers that fight crime where there is no crime.  They're called "crazy."  Yet a dreamer comes up with fantastic ideas and isn't the slightest bit worried that they have no bearing on reality.  It doesn't bother them that in their minds they can go from never trying or applying themselves one minute to wild raging success the next.  They'll later write a memoir to make the common-man feel good.  Full of bits about how they got poor marks in school, and were just extraordinarily lucky with being recognized.  It's important to make the common-man feel good, just ask the common-man!

Dreamers have what you haven't got.  The ability to not care that something is unfeasible, if they want to hope for it, they do.  Now don't get me wrong, you don't have to have big thoughts to be a dreamer.  Anyone can do it!  Here, give it a shot.  Imagine you're sitting there.  On that bench.  No, not there.  That's where your ideal significant other is.  You know, the tall, handsome, attractive, well-off, well-known, well-built, kindly, bilingual, down-to-earth gent/lady.  You nearly sat on them.  How embarrassing.  Imagine sitting next to them.  Oh haha, you missed the bench.  That was suave.  Try again, right in between the significant and the edge of the bench.  There you go.  Then you'll talk about whatever comes to mind.  After that awkward conversation about sex and child-rearing or STDs they'll get up and walk away.  Congratulations.  You're now a fully fledged dreamer.

So hear me when I say I'm labled.  I am a gamer, a game designer, a writer, and a comedian.  I am all of these things necessarily.  How can someone who writes something not be a writer?  How can someone who thinks and occasionally feels funny not be a comedian?  Sure, other people may not laugh and may not read but who are they tel tell me what I am based on how they see?

So again I say, I'm a writer, a dreamer, and a comedian.  What are you? ((Gentle reader, do not be ashamed if your list consists of "twat monger" and "dick wad."  But please do contact the authorities and express to them your labels.  I'm sure they'll be happy to listen and help out.))

How Humans Interact

Kevin Stevenson

Professional Resume((Rehsumeh/Re-Sue-May, as there are two accents in resume.))

((My name is large so that viewers know I find myself important as compared to my accomplishments.  Why this is preferable is a mystery, ideally my name would be smaller, or at least equal to my accomplishments that would speak for themselves.  But here, in this world, my name is larger.))


Accomplishments:
Have obtained the equivalent to a G.E.D.  Drank my way to a 4.0, and am still a Bachelor with a degree.

Skills:
Proficient with utilizing terms on paper that would never be a flittering thought in actual conversation.  Exemplary work ethic, as can be confirmed via contact of references.  Intense desire to work long hours, inability to give up.

Projects:
-Eating a sandwich.
Utilized a variety of tools in combining otherwise unlike elements into one cohesive structure of delicious.  Applied innovative spread of mayo, hot sauce, and pickles to innovate and enhance flavor.



This is silly.  I'd go so far as to say ridiculous.  Why are we encouraged to tell people about ourselves in such a falsified manner?  "You have to sell yourself, make yourself sound good."  So, a convicted armed robber can express that they are, "assertive and exceptional at obtaining funding for projects during all stages of development" and be completely accurate.  I think that's perfect, because too many people look at crime as a "bad thing."

I think instead of selling ourselves, we should convince potential employers to be more discerning.  Like one tasting many fine wines, they should be really drunk by the time they're ready to "interview" us.  Interviews should be more of hanging out in a bar, after they know you're qualified.  Rather than their current state of ideal human interaction and conversation.

Have you ever been asked where you see yourself in five years in casual conversation?  Because the answer is really dependent on the time.  Most interviews happen during the morning hours, when I'd see myself waking up and going back to bed in five years.

Here's my proposition.  We're going to cut out the silly unintelligible interactions.  We're going to give people a test environment to do whatever it is your company does.  Selling stuff?  Teach them about a product and have them sell it to someone.  Probably try cocaine, if they can't find a buyer for that, they won't be able to push your product either.  If they do that, or seems like they could with practice hire 'em!((Hey Jim, just managing in the moment here, but when those guys with guns say give them all the cocaine, or they'll kill your accomplices, run like heck.  Don't look back.)) If they don't do well you can take them out for a drink, and part ways amicably.((That was mob talk for kill, and get paid with a Coke.))

We're going to innovate the hiring process.  Most jobs are gotten through friends and recommendations anyways, we'll get rid of the silly interview as it stands and necessity for non-human based language.

But still require resumes.  Seeing really bad ones is the highlight of any hiring managers day.  Also, they make great trading cards.

On Handling Stress

Many people will react in many different ways during high pressure, or perceived high pressure situations.  Magnesium will get very very bright when lit on fire.  It's simple chemistry.

Some people break down under pressure.  They start quivering in a corner and babbling to themselves while entertaining thoughts of fornicating with Unicorns.  ((Pro tip: that kind of person will be entertaining the same thoughts prior to the corner babbling.  So watch out for them.))  Other people may look deep within themselves and pull out all of their hair.  Yet others, under incredible stress, will act as if nothing is apparently wrong.  Perhaps they will munch on a doughnut while making casual remarks about the weather.  Though those people may be doing those apparently regular things while naked in someone else's summer garden.  

This is just to illustrate that there are a great many ways one can deal with stress.  There is no one correct path to getting things done, when everyone just wants you to do everything right now.

I always say, "When the going gets tough, the tough go and vomit."  ((Okay, okay not always.  Sometimes when I'm being less diligent with my words I'll say when the going gets through the though go vomit.))  Those who can hold in their bile aren't better suited to handle stress.  They're just better suited to seem super human while they do it.  Men that get their arms cut off, and don't even scream, seem tough as nails.  But, it's possible that they just forgot to scream, or were unaware that screaming would be a suitable, and even reasonable and expected response to that situation.  Most people aren't trained in how to deal with high stress, they figure it out one day on the way to work when their car is catching on fire.

So go out there with a human approach to stress.  Just remember, it's your way of dealing and if someone else gives you crap for it, give that crap right back and keep on trucking.