How Humans Interact

Kevin Stevenson

Professional Resume((Rehsumeh/Re-Sue-May, as there are two accents in resume.))

((My name is large so that viewers know I find myself important as compared to my accomplishments.  Why this is preferable is a mystery, ideally my name would be smaller, or at least equal to my accomplishments that would speak for themselves.  But here, in this world, my name is larger.))


Accomplishments:
Have obtained the equivalent to a G.E.D.  Drank my way to a 4.0, and am still a Bachelor with a degree.

Skills:
Proficient with utilizing terms on paper that would never be a flittering thought in actual conversation.  Exemplary work ethic, as can be confirmed via contact of references.  Intense desire to work long hours, inability to give up.

Projects:
-Eating a sandwich.
Utilized a variety of tools in combining otherwise unlike elements into one cohesive structure of delicious.  Applied innovative spread of mayo, hot sauce, and pickles to innovate and enhance flavor.



This is silly.  I'd go so far as to say ridiculous.  Why are we encouraged to tell people about ourselves in such a falsified manner?  "You have to sell yourself, make yourself sound good."  So, a convicted armed robber can express that they are, "assertive and exceptional at obtaining funding for projects during all stages of development" and be completely accurate.  I think that's perfect, because too many people look at crime as a "bad thing."

I think instead of selling ourselves, we should convince potential employers to be more discerning.  Like one tasting many fine wines, they should be really drunk by the time they're ready to "interview" us.  Interviews should be more of hanging out in a bar, after they know you're qualified.  Rather than their current state of ideal human interaction and conversation.

Have you ever been asked where you see yourself in five years in casual conversation?  Because the answer is really dependent on the time.  Most interviews happen during the morning hours, when I'd see myself waking up and going back to bed in five years.

Here's my proposition.  We're going to cut out the silly unintelligible interactions.  We're going to give people a test environment to do whatever it is your company does.  Selling stuff?  Teach them about a product and have them sell it to someone.  Probably try cocaine, if they can't find a buyer for that, they won't be able to push your product either.  If they do that, or seems like they could with practice hire 'em!((Hey Jim, just managing in the moment here, but when those guys with guns say give them all the cocaine, or they'll kill your accomplices, run like heck.  Don't look back.)) If they don't do well you can take them out for a drink, and part ways amicably.((That was mob talk for kill, and get paid with a Coke.))

We're going to innovate the hiring process.  Most jobs are gotten through friends and recommendations anyways, we'll get rid of the silly interview as it stands and necessity for non-human based language.

But still require resumes.  Seeing really bad ones is the highlight of any hiring managers day.  Also, they make great trading cards.