Did You Ever Read..?

It's a classic book.  It's a book that only goes to show and prove how classic classic books are.  "Penthouse Chronicles Volume 4."  Have you read it?  It's really changed my perception of the world.  You should read it.  Oh, you definitely will?  Fantastic!

Hey did you read that book?  No?  Oh that's fine.  I'm over it.  But have you ever read another book that means something deep to me?  It's "The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex."  They teach you all about bank robberies and spousal abuse, all the while never attaining satisfaction.  When you buy it you get put on an FBI watch list.  Probably just a Timex though, you've got to buy something like "Building Bombs and Blowing Senators - A Prostitute's Inside Look at Government, Finances, and Love" to get on their Rolex list. BBaBS is great though, it's a post-modern romp of sexuality mixed with just enough realism to give you something to hold onto.

Hey, did you ever read that book we talked about?  Good, it was old news anyways.  I just picked up, "How Cooking Nothing But Grease Fat Made Me Disgusted About Eating and How You Can Also Lose 30lbs a Month Starting Now!"  You should come over for dinner tomorrow, having someone to talk to for the first month of not wanting to eat helps ease the pressure.

By the way, I am looking at this great book, it's "How to Talk to Friends and Keep Them."  Will you go with me to buy it?  Oh, yeah no I'm usually busy Mondays too, I just don't have work tomorrow is all.  Yeah, no I'll let you know how it is though!

This is an Article

You may dislike labels, but I personally, ((As opposed to the impersonal I.)) am quite the fan of them.  How else would I know your mother is a "lady of the night?" ((Oh, I'll tell you how else I'd know.  You're not going to like it.  But she did, if you know what I mean.)) Surely, just because I'm only paid as a minimum wage employee, that isn't the crux of my life.  Why, I'm a writer and a dreamer before that!

Ah to be a dreamer.  What a noble profession.  A dreamer is one who performs an activity usually relegated to a time of sleep during the less comfortable daylight hours.  You never hear about police officers that fight crime where there is no crime.  They're called "crazy."  Yet a dreamer comes up with fantastic ideas and isn't the slightest bit worried that they have no bearing on reality.  It doesn't bother them that in their minds they can go from never trying or applying themselves one minute to wild raging success the next.  They'll later write a memoir to make the common-man feel good.  Full of bits about how they got poor marks in school, and were just extraordinarily lucky with being recognized.  It's important to make the common-man feel good, just ask the common-man!

Dreamers have what you haven't got.  The ability to not care that something is unfeasible, if they want to hope for it, they do.  Now don't get me wrong, you don't have to have big thoughts to be a dreamer.  Anyone can do it!  Here, give it a shot.  Imagine you're sitting there.  On that bench.  No, not there.  That's where your ideal significant other is.  You know, the tall, handsome, attractive, well-off, well-known, well-built, kindly, bilingual, down-to-earth gent/lady.  You nearly sat on them.  How embarrassing.  Imagine sitting next to them.  Oh haha, you missed the bench.  That was suave.  Try again, right in between the significant and the edge of the bench.  There you go.  Then you'll talk about whatever comes to mind.  After that awkward conversation about sex and child-rearing or STDs they'll get up and walk away.  Congratulations.  You're now a fully fledged dreamer.

So hear me when I say I'm labled.  I am a gamer, a game designer, a writer, and a comedian.  I am all of these things necessarily.  How can someone who writes something not be a writer?  How can someone who thinks and occasionally feels funny not be a comedian?  Sure, other people may not laugh and may not read but who are they tel tell me what I am based on how they see?

So again I say, I'm a writer, a dreamer, and a comedian.  What are you? ((Gentle reader, do not be ashamed if your list consists of "twat monger" and "dick wad."  But please do contact the authorities and express to them your labels.  I'm sure they'll be happy to listen and help out.))

How Humans Interact

Kevin Stevenson

Professional Resume((Rehsumeh/Re-Sue-May, as there are two accents in resume.))

((My name is large so that viewers know I find myself important as compared to my accomplishments.  Why this is preferable is a mystery, ideally my name would be smaller, or at least equal to my accomplishments that would speak for themselves.  But here, in this world, my name is larger.))


Accomplishments:
Have obtained the equivalent to a G.E.D.  Drank my way to a 4.0, and am still a Bachelor with a degree.

Skills:
Proficient with utilizing terms on paper that would never be a flittering thought in actual conversation.  Exemplary work ethic, as can be confirmed via contact of references.  Intense desire to work long hours, inability to give up.

Projects:
-Eating a sandwich.
Utilized a variety of tools in combining otherwise unlike elements into one cohesive structure of delicious.  Applied innovative spread of mayo, hot sauce, and pickles to innovate and enhance flavor.



This is silly.  I'd go so far as to say ridiculous.  Why are we encouraged to tell people about ourselves in such a falsified manner?  "You have to sell yourself, make yourself sound good."  So, a convicted armed robber can express that they are, "assertive and exceptional at obtaining funding for projects during all stages of development" and be completely accurate.  I think that's perfect, because too many people look at crime as a "bad thing."

I think instead of selling ourselves, we should convince potential employers to be more discerning.  Like one tasting many fine wines, they should be really drunk by the time they're ready to "interview" us.  Interviews should be more of hanging out in a bar, after they know you're qualified.  Rather than their current state of ideal human interaction and conversation.

Have you ever been asked where you see yourself in five years in casual conversation?  Because the answer is really dependent on the time.  Most interviews happen during the morning hours, when I'd see myself waking up and going back to bed in five years.

Here's my proposition.  We're going to cut out the silly unintelligible interactions.  We're going to give people a test environment to do whatever it is your company does.  Selling stuff?  Teach them about a product and have them sell it to someone.  Probably try cocaine, if they can't find a buyer for that, they won't be able to push your product either.  If they do that, or seems like they could with practice hire 'em!((Hey Jim, just managing in the moment here, but when those guys with guns say give them all the cocaine, or they'll kill your accomplices, run like heck.  Don't look back.)) If they don't do well you can take them out for a drink, and part ways amicably.((That was mob talk for kill, and get paid with a Coke.))

We're going to innovate the hiring process.  Most jobs are gotten through friends and recommendations anyways, we'll get rid of the silly interview as it stands and necessity for non-human based language.

But still require resumes.  Seeing really bad ones is the highlight of any hiring managers day.  Also, they make great trading cards.

On Handling Stress

Many people will react in many different ways during high pressure, or perceived high pressure situations.  Magnesium will get very very bright when lit on fire.  It's simple chemistry.

Some people break down under pressure.  They start quivering in a corner and babbling to themselves while entertaining thoughts of fornicating with Unicorns.  ((Pro tip: that kind of person will be entertaining the same thoughts prior to the corner babbling.  So watch out for them.))  Other people may look deep within themselves and pull out all of their hair.  Yet others, under incredible stress, will act as if nothing is apparently wrong.  Perhaps they will munch on a doughnut while making casual remarks about the weather.  Though those people may be doing those apparently regular things while naked in someone else's summer garden.  

This is just to illustrate that there are a great many ways one can deal with stress.  There is no one correct path to getting things done, when everyone just wants you to do everything right now.

I always say, "When the going gets tough, the tough go and vomit."  ((Okay, okay not always.  Sometimes when I'm being less diligent with my words I'll say when the going gets through the though go vomit.))  Those who can hold in their bile aren't better suited to handle stress.  They're just better suited to seem super human while they do it.  Men that get their arms cut off, and don't even scream, seem tough as nails.  But, it's possible that they just forgot to scream, or were unaware that screaming would be a suitable, and even reasonable and expected response to that situation.  Most people aren't trained in how to deal with high stress, they figure it out one day on the way to work when their car is catching on fire.

So go out there with a human approach to stress.  Just remember, it's your way of dealing and if someone else gives you crap for it, give that crap right back and keep on trucking.

High school English was a good time.  There weren't many classes where someone could get a negative grade for handing something in.  Which is, a really great message to send to anyone.  "Hey, honestly.  Next time you have an essay, just don't do it.  You'll get a better grade."  I'm going to suggest English teachers start giving advice on life too instead of just grammar.  "Great sentence, really beautiful imagery, have you applied to McDonald's yet?"  Or how about, "This isn't really coherent and I'm unsure as to the main thrust of your argument.  Politics would be great for you."

I'll always remember that time in 9th grade English when a student politely raised their hand.((They didn't.  They just said shit.)) Then asked if they could, "Give a hint." Then, proceeded to hint away, "When answering questions, just say the question in your answer."  She was being helpful.  At the time I considered myself pretty adept at answering questions.  So what you ask?  So what I'm trying to say is that I don't think her hint was necessary for me, it just makes the person who does it seem like they don't really understand communication.  She probably turned into a big supporter of "active listening."

Active listening is when, instead of communicating in a way that humans do, you don't listen to what a person says.  You parrot back to them what they just said, and nod at appropriate intervals.  Because that's what science tells us is the best way to communicate.  "My husband is leaving me and I'm sad."--"So what you're saying is your husband is leaving you, and that makes you feel sad?"((Just wait for them to melt into your reassuring arms after a few insightful comments like that.))  It speaks highly of someone's intelligence when they say everything you just said before moving on in a conversation.  There's a difference between paying attention to what someone means and listening, and being very dumb.  Active listening takes that line out back and beats it to death.  Then it wears it around town as a hat to show everyone what it can do.

The problem with those things is that instead of teaching people do to well, it teaches people to look for tricks and loopholes to get them through the day.  Don't worry about why you're repeating what someone said and then responding.  Just do it, you'll be "better."

Going Dancing

I love to go dancing.  A lot of my male friends will see this and think, "What was I doing a second ago.  I know I was doing something important.  Dammit can't remember, guess it wasn't important."  Then they'll continue reading.

The point is, I can't make a big enough fool of myself day in and day out.  Occasionally I need some good old "look like a buffoon, and not a particularly coordinated one at that" time.  Usually two to three hours is ideal.  I make people with epilepsy and or cerebral palsy look like they're Flamenco instructors extraordinaire.

I wonder sometimes if I should drink or not.  I'll have a beer while I work it out.  Really, when you're on the dance floor being an idiot having a couple of drinks won't hurt anything.  At worst you'll lose control and get thrown out of the club.  But honestly, that might be more beneficial to your reputation in the long run.  No one wants to dance with a Mr. Boring McStraightedge, so I say, "Down the hatch" then pretend I'm on a submarine.  NOT one of the sandwiches.  That would be ridiculous.  How would you even dance on a ham and provolone cheese sub?

But let's be honest.  The real reason guys go dancing is to hit on chicks.  By hit on chicks I mean "stand in a corner and bop their head while staring at only one girl the whole night."  I'm not saying there are more creepers on the dance floor than trees in the forest.  But that's just because with the level of deforestation going on, there's no way the trees could compete.((Note, while potentially funny, mixing up deforestation and defloweration is not a good way to impress a girl's environmentally conscious father.))
 
I couldn't get out dancing this past week.  So here's to telling jokes to kings and generally making a fool of myself.

What's up?

I know a lot of interesting facts about really interesting things.  Like.  Did you know that... I mean it's... I look at it this way.

So sometimes, aka when I'm put on the spot, I can't remember a single interesting thing.  I do and say interesting things all the time, I'm sure I do.  But, someone asks.  All of the sudden I wouldn't know an interesting thing if a clown was shooting my dog on St. Patrick's day.  Thankfully, there's a website that has interesting topics to view, and probably converse about.  "interestingtopics.org."

First off, I want to point out that it's a ".org" site.  Which doesn't mean anything other than someone paid for that domain name, but already I feel more comfortable learning from it.  If it were a ".net" website I'd probably have to avert my eyes from the ridiculous popping colors and GIFs.((Note, this is based on how I feel, not reality.  As is pretty much everything I write, FYI.))

Secondly, it really does have a lot of interesting topics, that you can see right away!  After scrolling down past the first few I didn't care about I saw, "Liquid Water May Exist On Mars."  Golly?!  Are they for serious?  With a headline taking a strong stance like that, I don't know what could be more interesting.  So, that implies that there is definitely water.  Obviously.  But some of it, and I quote, "may" be liquid.  I don't even know where to start with how interesting that is.  I'm going to go get my interest-a-meter and see what it says.

BATSHIT INTERESTING!

((That is to say, as interesting as batshit.  Which is to say, unless it's in my cup of drinking water, or maybe on my bed, probably irrelevant.))  I know, some of you science nerds are super plussed about the idea of water and its implications in respect to other life forms.  But, that's similar to looking for a bear, and saying you found berries in a forest that a bear could live off of.((Wait... bears eat berries?  I bet they're beary good, aren't they you widdle beary wary wears?))  Interestingly enough, that doesn't actually mean anything.

Oh!  I remember something interesting, the weather!  Let's talk about that.