Weight Loss Via Wallet Fasting

As a speaker here I don't want to put anyone to sleep, but euthanasia is gaining popularity at a lot of conferences, as opposed to listening to the spea... what?  Sorry, I nodded off for a second.

But! I'm here to talk to you about being professionally broke.  Sometimes I have to get two to three jobs to maintain being broke.  I've got so many student loan payments, car payments, and my rent is due. I can't even afford to eat more than once a day.  My girlfriend gets real angry when she sees me having breakfast.

So here's the lowdown, after this you'll know how to get into debt, have questionable job prospects, and feel bad whenever you have fun.  People say if you're broke you should get fixed.  Dogs don't like it, and neither do we!  Here's how to get and stay broke!

Alright, first things first.  We need some debt.  You're thinking car payments, electrical bills, hospital payments, and that's all great.  But first things first, you gotta start young.  We're going to college!  Slack off in high school, so you don't get any scholarships for college.  If while you're in college you want to drunkenly knock a girl up that'll be a great addition to your debt.  ((Drunkenly knocking a girl down will get you potential jail time.  So really any knocking you want to drunkenly do is cool.))  Also, since you're in school, credit card companies like to take you out on to a nice dinner, movies, and finish off with some expensive wine, then a few weeks later tell you that you owe them for that.  So sign up for two to three of those.  Use them anti-judiciously.

Alright, now we've got you into debt, and that's great.  We've just got to keep you there.  So here you have two options, graduate college, or drop out of college.  Dropouts have to lie on their resumes to get good jobs, and graduates have to lie on their resumes to secure fast food employment.  So it's up to you and whether you like lying to sound more successful, or lying yourself humble.  Note: good jobs don't hire you, they just interview you.  It's a game they play, HR workers get bored too!

Now we're good and broke.  We've achieved a job that nets us anywhere from $7.25hr on the low end to $7.50hr at the tip top.  All we need now is to stay in at night and "work on getting a better job" or, "feel depressed" as it were.  If that's not working for you, call up your successful friend, the one who magicked their way into Google's loving arms, and convince them to buy you some pity drinks.  That way you'll inevitably hear a story about how hard working at Google full time is, if that doesn't make you feel bad, you can go outside and kick puppy dog, or have a baby start crying when you hold them.

After following those three easy steps you've got yourself a good decade of being broke, no problem.  If your student loans ever get in danger of running out, there's always grad school!