For The Onion

I would write this article:  Local Children Found Running Drug Ring Around the Rosie.

Today in Boulder, CO, a group of local children were suspected to be selling off pockets full of posie.  Posie is not cheap, and these children are excellent negotiators requiring you to provide enough "Cashes, cashes to make them all fall down."  Thankfully for the druggies, young people don't have a real concept of money and you could probably make them fall down with a couple of well placed twenty dollar bills.

But don't think that they're entirely dumb.  One man tried to trick them with the classic seventy five dollar bill.  The children pulled out their nines and gats, and shot at him while calling him, "A meanie-dumb-fat-head!"  The man confided in us that it was really very hurtful, as he just never lost his baby fat.  He's now in the hospital getting treatment for three gunshot wounds and a hurt ego.

Police are trying to shut them down.  But they seem to be running a perfectly legitimate lemonade stand as a cover.  If you have any information about where these deals actually go on, please call 1-800-GETTHOSEKIDS.


But, I'm not a writer for The Onion, so this is just my article!