Reviewing 3D Movies

Is the market for 3D movies TOO BIG?


There's been a lot of really original groundbreaking 3D movies coming out since the technology became popular.  Pirahna 3D, for example.  My Bloody Valentine 3D, for another example.  I could go on.

The only thing holding the 3D industry back is their fear of being too successful.  If I had anything to do with the new Clash of the Titans 3D movie I'd fear being flooded with too many party invitations and unsolicited date requests from attractive girls.  We've all been down that terrifying road before.

So, to keep actors, directors and producers of 3D entertainment((Note: I am not referring to any entertainment that actually goes into 3 dimensions whatsoever)) safe from the 3D market exploding realistically like a grenade in your living room, here are some policies and guidelines to follow:

1. Only sell 3D DVDs to parapalegic people who walk into the store.  If you sell DVDs to just anyone, how will other people know how exclusive and great they really are?((Note: This is referring to the paraplegic people.  Your DVDs are clearly not going to be great.  We're protecting you, remember?))

2.  Remake, remake, remake!  I cannot stress this enough, if you're not remaking an old movie it has no place in the current 3D market.  There's a small buy steady market for "The Final Destination" and don't you dare try to branch out.  What if the movie you make gets nominated for an Emmy or an Oscar?  You don't want to be in that bright 2,000 watt spotlight.  Maybe you'll melt!  Don't even risk it.

3.  If you think your movie will make too much money in theaters, which is very likely, it is acceptable and encouraged to do a straight to DVD release.  For some reason not everyone owns a 3D television yet.  Why people don't want to look like twits wearing funny glasses in their own homes is a mystery for sure, but right now you'll be safe.  ((Note: Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert.  A huge hit with children, but no one else))

4.  If you're still keen on a theater release, make sure you charge $3 more per 3D movie ticket compared to a regular ticket.  There's no way to gauge beforehand whether the whole movie is 3D, or just forty seconds.  That $3 gamble will keep out less adventurous riffraff.


That's just a humble start.  Following those steps will keep out the mass of people that make things unbearably popular.  But if even after all of that someone starts becoming too successful, like when the new Three Musketeers 3D hits theaters, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.