Drugs

Recently I've been having a lot of caffeine.  Right now I'm having none.  My body, to point that out to me, made me get real tired and have a headache.  I know what you're thinking, "Ineffectual and stupid, why would your body think that was a good way to communicate what it needs?  That's just dumb." It works, I bought a latte because I was wanting a nap at work, which is not ideal.  ((Unless you work at the napping factory.  In which case there is probably not a place to buy lattes.)) Without realizing it people take a lot of cues on how to communicate from their body.  Cues from the same bodies that get erections during math class in middle school.  ((Or if you're a girl, make you laugh at boys' erections in middle school.  Or if you're a transvestite, laugh and do meth in middle school.))  Which is ideal, without those erections you'd never learn how to walk like Groucho Marx, or laugh at Groucho Marx, or do meth.

Since my body knows what's up, I am going to extrapolate this biological communication out to help me with some current problems.

I want a better job.  

To make this clear to the everyone I'm going to get really irritated all the time at my current job and sleep poorly at night.  That way, in the long run I'll get bitter and angry, until it worsens to me getting fired.  After that I'll pick up drinking, because poisoning myself until I want to vomit will seems like a good "biological" way to show everyone I'm working on fixing my flaws.  After that I'll dress up as a clown, put on pink eye shadow and punch police officers in the junk.  That will show everyone that I've found that better job.  Extreme Full Contact Clowning Around.

EFCCA'ers will be a group of rich people that fight with your average minimum wage employee.  They'll go to comedy clubs and not tell any jokes.  They'll go to the Playboy Mansion and read articles.  They're the counter-anti-revolutionaries the world's been looking for.  

I know the world's been looking for them because it's 41 degrees out in Upstate NY in the middle of winter.

Holiday Cheer

"Is it hard when you wake up?  Is it hard when you're giving gifts?  Is it hard when loved ones come from out of town?  Is it hard just getting through the day?"  I heard that on television and really wasn't sure if it was an ad for depression, or inquiring about an erection lasting longer than four hours.

That's because the holidays are far too sexual for anyone's good.  Think about all the religious/holiday songs you hear that have sexy undertones.  "Santa Claus is coming...,"  "Oh come all ye faithful...," "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord..." I could go on.((Not really.  Tired me out.))  Even the return of Jesus is referred to as "The Second Coming of the Lord" instead of... the return of Jesus.  Probably because the church doesn't want to get into a copyright battle with Universal for some up and coming action movie.((Up and coming?  That phrase isn't an accident people.))

Even buying presents for people I've heard ereaders, silly reading devices, called "the perfect size at the perfect price."  Which leads me to believe if you're looking to start hooking $100 is a good price point for perfectly sized gentlemen.

Oh come on people, it's not that dirty!

My Job

My job is interesting.  It's part time salesman, part time tech support and 100% minimum wage employment.  I get to enjoy the benefits of a lot of jobs all at once.

Job 1 - Salesman.
For this part of my job I do a lot that is generally against my nature ie, trying to convince people that there is some benefit to buying something in store versus online. ((I wrote about that before! Against Internet Shopping)) The most notable benefit is that they get to talk to me.  If they're lucky maybe they'll buy me some coffee, or expensive jewelry, or they can also sacrifice virgins to try and gain my favor.  Don't worry, those are just some of the more tame offers I've accepted.  This part of my job also sees me doing ANYTHING to get customers out the door with my store's product.  That anything is usually reminding them they always have free in store support for what they buy from us.  I think it's because I was dropped on my head as a child I remind them of that, because otherwise I would remember that I am that tech support.

Job 2 - Tech support.
This part of my job is like what happens when I'm "a fool and forget to wrap my tool."  I catch myself saying things like, "No, of course we'll be able to explain how to use this device, no problem!" to a person who has just said they'll be getting it for their technologically impaired temperamental 80 year old golden retriever.  Don't get confused though, this isn't a real tech support job, where I can help customers with account issues or replace broken devices.  ((I have to call tech support for that.))  I just mostly reboot angry people's devices.  If you're a part of my generation you will absolutely not be impressed with how many people think their device is broken until I restart it.  I'd say probably at least two people a day.

Finally my job is in fact all minimum wage.  That means I get to work 30-40 hours a week, without ever actually getting to 40 hours on the dot, as that would mean I'd need benefits.  My 39.858823 hours a week gets me a meal 4/5 days of the week and the ability to stay at any number of local family member's houses.  It helps if they have a basement and don't really notice I'm there for 3-5 days at a go.  Less awkward that way. So quit complaining and loafing around, go out there and quit your minimum wage job today!

21st Birthdays

I know, you've just turned 21 and are wondering: How should I celebrate?  The most obvious answer is to call up some of your closest and not so close friends, grab a 1,000 piece puzzle and get down to business! Oh wait, that's how you celebrate New Years Eve, my mistake.

But many people on their 21st birthday go out and do what they've been doing for years, they're just not afraid of being arrested for it.  Killing hobos.  See, after you drink enough alcohol you're not worried about the police, bouncers, your friends, or anything at all.  Peeing your pants may even seem like a funny alternative to peeing in the corner when no one is looking.((If you're a guy.  If you're a girl you'll probably want to try it when people are looking, just to see how awkward it gets.  Maintain eye contact the entire time!))

Also, many people will tell you not to drink anything on your 21st that you wouldn't normally drink.  Those people are all undercover cops trying to trick you.  Obviously if you're under 21 you haven't had even a sip of wine on New Years Eve.  Ever.  Because everyone waits until they're 21 to have their first drink.  Really the draw of being 21 is in being able to go to bars.  That way you can experience old guys creeping on young girls.((It is really beneficial.  That way if you're a good eavesdropper you can creep on the same cute girls, sans creepiness!))

If tonight is your 21st I'll have a drink for you.  Probably if your birthday is within the next 14 days I'll have a drink for you tonight.  Also, if you look away from the bar for any length of time I'll have your drink for you.

Cooking Now

I like the exercise term, "stay in shape."  As that's different than getting in shape.  I eat a large amount of cookies to stay in shape, I exercise to make myself feel better about eating cookies.  Mostly chocolate chips.  Not oatmeal cookies, I feel great about those all the time.  Even when they break up with me and don't talk to me anymore.

I'm not bitter about when the cookie broke up with me.  The relationship was crumbly to begin with.  Besides, I can just find another cookie somewhere else.  There are a lot of bakeries around town if you know what I mean.  

Thinking about getting a sugar cookie.  That way I can sit around all day and ... eat a sugar cookie.  Hopefully it will be Dr. Sugar Cookie and wants to put me up in a nice house.  But we won't get a dog, because the dog might eat Dr. Sugar Cookie and I'd have a difficult time explaining to the IRS and police that a simple snack was supporting me and this mansion. 

No dogs in Cookie Mansion.

Crazy People

I like bluetooth headsets and playing videogames on my computer for the same reason.  I'm crazy, but if I communicate in any other way people won't realize it!  But when I get my bluetooth or game on, people become cognizant that I apparently have witty banter with myself.

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of other uses for bluetooth headsets besides just looking crazy.  It makes other people who try to interact with you seem awkward and dumb just because they didn't realize you had one on. 

Bluetooth guy: "Hey."

--Outsider--: "Oh, hi!"

Bluetooth guy: With incredulous/dumbfounded look on his face, "Oh no I wasn't talking to you, I am talking to you, no not you, yes I'm still on the phone with you."

--Outsider--: "Uh.  Is there anything I can help you with?"

Bluetooth guy: "Yes, actually I was looking for a something, do you know where something is?  No, why would I ask you where a something is, do you even know where I am?"

--Outsider--: "It is uh, it is over that way."

See, in the above conversation, absolutely everyone felt like an idiot!  Except for, of course, the person who was the root of the problem, bluetooth guy.  The gamer conversation would be pretty similar, but there would be more references to someone being 12 years old and sleeping with everyone's mother.  From my understanding the mothers really seem to enjoy all their time fornicating with twelve year olds.

I'm going to start walking around with a cellphone to my head/bluetooth on, but pointedly yelling at people I see in person.  "Yeah you there with the green shirt, you're dumbfoundingly ugly.  Really gross."  I'll just throw in a couple of disgusted looks and a "No, not you." every now and again.  That way everyone will be sure I am completely bonkers.

Relationships

You know that point in a relationship, where you look at someone, see their frustration, walk over, touch their shoulder, and express to them that, "You can say anything to me, I love you."

Unless you want to hear, "Quack quack neigh moo" stay away from that point.  Tell me that I can tell you anything, and you're going to be hearing a lot more about how Becca from third grade had a super big crush on Jimmy even though he got pantsed in gym class the year before.  A lot more.  Like how she stole some of  hair from the boys locker room the same day he got pantsed.  At least, everyone was pretty sure it was his.

The flip side of that point in a relationship is the, "Don't ever say anything to me again you cheating-on-me-with-my-sibling-while-I-was-helping-starving-kids-in-Africa" point.  This is a point you really want to strive for, because a lot of people have pretty attractive siblings.  Genes and all that point to other family members being attractive in similar ways to the person you originally dated.  That and there are a lot of really bad movie plots that can be weaved around that scenario, so you can probably write a screenplay no problem.

Then there's the classic "honeymoon" point in relationships.  That's of course, right after you get married and don't want to talk to the other person because of how awfully annoying they are in airport lines.  No one told you that waiting in an airport, no matter how great Maui will be, is still going to suck.  And that your new spouse snores and drools while in airports.  And that they get really mad when they wake up and find out you're on a plane to St. Paul/Minneapolis so as to make it look like you weren't really together.  Its a touchy time in relationships.  That's why its always a good idea to feign an interest in reading any of Homer's epic poems.  Other people will think you're intelligent and as they've never actually read the Odyssey and have nothing to talk about, leave you alone.