Back from Vacation

Here's the trouble with telling anyone that you're going on a trip or vacation.  When you get back, they'll ask about it.  Everyone.  Not together in a big semi-circular room where you can orate all of your best experiences.  No, they'll ask you one at a time as they pass by.  As they pass by very quickly, they've got coffee to buy.  As they pass to go to the bathroom.  As they just walk by you, they don't want real conversation.

So after about six people and you recounting the main two things you did, all of the sudden you couldn't care less about your vacation/trip.  Sure, it was Venice, when the terrorists attacked and you and a gondola captain together fended them off. ((There was that one beautiful moment when the boat was obviously done for.  But the captain had to go down with his ship.  He sunk down to knee depth in the water, and stood there until he starved to death.  You finished fighting the no goodniks with your wit, and memories of that brave captain.)) But you wouldn't say that to a crowd of people throwing money at you, if you've already explained it to seventeen people who wouldn't care if you were offering sexual favors for their attention.

Then the next wave of people you encounter get up in arms because all you say about your trip was, "It was good" then punch them in the throat until they can never ask a question again.  Somehow they don't understand how you just got back and don't want to talk about your time away.  That's the last you'll think about it for weeks or months at a time.

Then, later on, you're talking to your old pal Elmo and one of your vacation experiences is relevant.((You're on a cruise ship and ol' Elmy is fasting for the next twenty minutes until lunch.  Just like that captain.))  You recount your tale to your compatriot.  Which pisses them off because it's been months and "All you ever talk about is that one stupid trip."  Then you say how stupid it was that the captain had to die because of the stupid terrorists.  "Have I told you that story, the one where he went down with his ship?" You inquire.  "You're going to go down on this ship if you're not careful!" Elmy retorts.  "I don't think me and this cruise ship are ready for that quite yet.  But there was that time a girl went down on me when I was in Venice, did I tell you about that?" It goes on until Elmo, with a strange glint in his eyes, murders you repeatedly again and again and again.

So the moral of the story is, don't tell people when you're going on a trip.  Or stop doing acid all together.

Of Obituaries

William "Bad Boy Billy" Kenmel.

New York City: Sunday, September 25th, 2011 passed away of tippling and fighting with cops too often. Immediately after his last fight, while running away, he did not check both ways to see if the street was clear.  It was not.  He threw himself under the bus as it were. He was a bouncer and a boozer for 23 years up until his death.

Friends and family say he was taken too late.  His wife was quoted as saying, "If only crying could bring him back, I'd have my tear ducts removed."  Billy was predeceased by his asshole of a brother twenty seconds earlier.  He is survived by his cocaine handler, Gerald G who had the good sense to run away while the cops pulled Kenmel's body from under the bus.

There will be no memorial service, but anyone who wants to drunkly urinate or spit on his grave out of spite is welcome at the Lowlifes Park Cemetary/Landfill any time after midnight from here until the end of time.

Advertising for Google

Google analytics might be the most addicting thing ever*. It may also be the only reason I ever post a new blog entry.  It will tell you everything about anyone who looks at your website.

-How many people have viewed your website.
-What web browser they use.
-Where they got to your website from.
-What operating system they use.
-The day/week they viewed your website.
-Whether they prefer frilly pink or lacey purple thongs.
-The percent chance they may want to date you**.

And more!

I'm not saying you should go out and get google analytics right now for your cat's website.  I'm just saying, maybe it would be nice to know where in the world people are looking at your cat from.  Also, if you find out that they aren't wearing as much clothes as you want them to, maybe look into posting less weird pictures of your cat.

Most of all remember, with great knowledge comes terrible and weird dreams.  Purplecatthongpicture dreams.  Do not imagine that.  It's not pretty.  Sort of funny though, right?



*Then again, cocaine might be the most addicting thing ever.  Scientists are still on the fence about that.  It's their punishment for doing bad research.  They can come down from there when I let my hungry pitbull Biff back in.
**That's obviously a joke.  Google knows the percent chance of someone who looks at Google analytics getting a date is 0.

For the Service Industry

Here's the scenario.  It's a Monday without work.  Not vacation, but no work none the less.  The possibilities are endless.  Will you sit around and watch TV?  Or will you get up, walk over to your computer and watch Netflix?  It's days like this where the sky's the limit.  Maybe you'll read about Netflix while you watch TV.  Anything is possible.

Then.  You get the call.  The one that is bound to ruin your otherwise perfect Monday.  The one that wants you to do something.  Serving wine this time, another time watching someone's dog, going to the bar with friends, blowing up dynamite, wining the lottery, it doesn't matter!  Since it wasn't already planned, you're against it.  You scorn the person who just calls up, assuming you have nothing better to do then whatever it is they suggest.  So what if you don't?  This is your day off, and dammit you were going to enjoy it.  If it weren't for that person calling you, you probably would've written your story.  The one about the Netflix television overmind robot that you control and thus control America.  If you had the time that is.

After complaining for no reason for a few hours you finally acquiesce and agree to serve wine.((I will not make any references whatsoever about how complaining to someone would already count as serving whine.  Honestly, we're adults.))  When and where?  How long?  Why?  What did I do to deserve this?  Is it my fault Grandma died?  What do I have to wear?  Wine serving, really?

"Fine.  Yeah I'll do it.  Yeah, no problem.  Yeah, that's fine."

During the event you felt weird that old women were molesting you and taking more free wine.  Afterwards you wonder, "Why did only one old woman molest me?  Aren't I attractive and giving out free wine?  Molestation should abound!"  You're ornery about that.  You think about the movie you could've watched where so many old women molested the hero.  You must not be the hero here.

You wonder if this wine serving gig will lead to future gainful employment.  That conversation plays out in your head.

"Hey, you did really great tonight.  Really helpful, thanks!"
     "Hey, no problem.  Are you looking for help for any other events?"
"Well, we could always use more volunteer wine servers, of course."
     "Oh yes, well I've really been trying to cut down on my volunteering to serve wine."
"Oh, do you do it often then?"
     "It's my Kryptonite."

Wine serving.  100% of the people who have asked me to serve wine have gotten me to serve wine.  On my day off.  A day where otherwise anything could have happened.

On Etiquette

Understanding Facebook Etiquette,

How many people have posted something like, "Shittiest day ever, dog's in hospital, father got run over by a car and I got fired from my job." Only to get more angry and depressed when some of your cruel shitty friends "like" your status.

Stop right there!  You're an idiot!  It seems that they're liking all the bad things happening to you because you interpret "like" literally.  When people like "bad day" statuses they are just saying, "Hello dearest friend, I have also had shitty days and know what you're going through.  But, I'm so glad it's not happening to me your poor schmuck.  HAH!"  That last part is because you have bad friends.

Let's look at some other potential statuses and what "liking" them could mean.

"Gabriel and Betty are no longer in a relationship"
-Your friends who like this are saying, "I'm so glad you finally got rid of your oppressive overbearing girlfriend, she was really bringing you down. You should hear what she says about you after we have sex."

"Dog got ran over by a car, worst day ever."
-People who like this are comisserating that you have indeed had a rough day.  Yet they're happy that the unavoidable death of a dog is the worst thing that's ever happened to you.  Really, that's a plus!  So stop being such a little girl.

"Clowns stole my car."
-That's just awesome.  Legit, they just like that.

So remember, your friends aren't necessarily brutish asses.  Maybe you're just being ornery and need to cut it out Mrs. Debbie Downer.

Reviewing 3D Movies

Is the market for 3D movies TOO BIG?


There's been a lot of really original groundbreaking 3D movies coming out since the technology became popular.  Pirahna 3D, for example.  My Bloody Valentine 3D, for another example.  I could go on.

The only thing holding the 3D industry back is their fear of being too successful.  If I had anything to do with the new Clash of the Titans 3D movie I'd fear being flooded with too many party invitations and unsolicited date requests from attractive girls.  We've all been down that terrifying road before.

So, to keep actors, directors and producers of 3D entertainment((Note: I am not referring to any entertainment that actually goes into 3 dimensions whatsoever)) safe from the 3D market exploding realistically like a grenade in your living room, here are some policies and guidelines to follow:

1. Only sell 3D DVDs to parapalegic people who walk into the store.  If you sell DVDs to just anyone, how will other people know how exclusive and great they really are?((Note: This is referring to the paraplegic people.  Your DVDs are clearly not going to be great.  We're protecting you, remember?))

2.  Remake, remake, remake!  I cannot stress this enough, if you're not remaking an old movie it has no place in the current 3D market.  There's a small buy steady market for "The Final Destination" and don't you dare try to branch out.  What if the movie you make gets nominated for an Emmy or an Oscar?  You don't want to be in that bright 2,000 watt spotlight.  Maybe you'll melt!  Don't even risk it.

3.  If you think your movie will make too much money in theaters, which is very likely, it is acceptable and encouraged to do a straight to DVD release.  For some reason not everyone owns a 3D television yet.  Why people don't want to look like twits wearing funny glasses in their own homes is a mystery for sure, but right now you'll be safe.  ((Note: Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert.  A huge hit with children, but no one else))

4.  If you're still keen on a theater release, make sure you charge $3 more per 3D movie ticket compared to a regular ticket.  There's no way to gauge beforehand whether the whole movie is 3D, or just forty seconds.  That $3 gamble will keep out less adventurous riffraff.


That's just a humble start.  Following those steps will keep out the mass of people that make things unbearably popular.  But if even after all of that someone starts becoming too successful, like when the new Three Musketeers 3D hits theaters, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

For The Onion

I would write this article:  Local Children Found Running Drug Ring Around the Rosie.

Today in Boulder, CO, a group of local children were suspected to be selling off pockets full of posie.  Posie is not cheap, and these children are excellent negotiators requiring you to provide enough "Cashes, cashes to make them all fall down."  Thankfully for the druggies, young people don't have a real concept of money and you could probably make them fall down with a couple of well placed twenty dollar bills.

But don't think that they're entirely dumb.  One man tried to trick them with the classic seventy five dollar bill.  The children pulled out their nines and gats, and shot at him while calling him, "A meanie-dumb-fat-head!"  The man confided in us that it was really very hurtful, as he just never lost his baby fat.  He's now in the hospital getting treatment for three gunshot wounds and a hurt ego.

Police are trying to shut them down.  But they seem to be running a perfectly legitimate lemonade stand as a cover.  If you have any information about where these deals actually go on, please call 1-800-GETTHOSEKIDS.


But, I'm not a writer for The Onion, so this is just my article!