Upbeat

My job here is to be upbeat.  Amused.  Amusing.  What about when things go wrong?  I hate it when things go wrong.  I know that's because I'm different.  Everyone else punches their grandmother out of pure exuberance when something goes wrong.  When things seem bad.  Grandma never did care for the good times.  But when dinner was bad and the cat died.  Then she was at peace, no imminent jabs or hooks for her.  No little billy doing his best Mike Tyson impression.  It was a damned good impression. Sadly, my grandmothers are dead.  So that leaves me devoid of a joy punching target.  ((How many dead grandmas does it take to change a light bulb?  None, they'll just lie in the dark.))((Tasteless joke.  Sorry.  Cannibals agree))((It's hard to stop once you start.  Ask grandm... oh. Nevermind.))

Upbeat!  Luckily I have a plan for when things go wrong.  Something that I can always fall back on:  Crying in a corner.  That doesn't help me get a lot done per se, but heck.  Someone's gotta do it.  I just want everyone to know; for your crying in a corner or shower or basement or hotel room or amusement park or car or at a party or at a funereal or on vacation or at the beach needs, I've got you covered.((Note: That list is in fact exhaustive.  You try crying in all those places and still have energy to go around.))

Not only that, but at any point I have a backlog of work prepared at least 45 minutes before that work is set to go out.  Does anyone else have the ability to turn work in late, when there isn't even a deadline for it?

And remember, upbeat is much closer to beating up than you realize.

Holiday Season

Now that the holidays are swinging into motion, I've got a confession.  I hate culture and tradition.  Specifically when combined around this time of year in the form of The Nutcracker.  I was forced yearly in my younger age to see that bit of theater.

I know.  You're thinking: "How could watching skateboarders mess up doing tricks in a painful to their man parts ways be anything besides great?"  Sadly I'm not talking about funny YouTube videos, but something far less pleasant.

Ballet.  That's right, every little girl across the globe grows up wanting to be a Ballerina.((Which is Russian for "Long Boring Dance"))  They get to wear pink tutus, and really really bore people when they're younger.  Eventually if they work incredibly hard against a lot of other extremely dedicated people, they'll get to bore very large audiences.((Edgar takes up two seats!  He coughs loudly the whole time he isn't snoring!))  Not only is it an incredibly boring thing to watch, they play soothing music in the background.  Then people get angry with you for falling asleep.  What do they expect?

To each his own, but I'm not a fan of ponying up a large sum of money to be in a dark, comfortable, soothing place that does not allow me to sleep.  I can play quiet music in my very own room with the lights off for a lot less money.  As visions of the sugar plum fairy dance in my head.

Why Is It Friday?

Because you gotta get down on Black Friday, Friday, Friday.  Or rather, consistently do the opposite.  Absolutely no getting down, only getting up.

This year Black Friday shenanigans started at midnight in a lot of places, because people who have to work on Black Friday love nothing more than to ruin as much of thanksgiving as possible.  Next year they're going to make you watch the Macy's Day Parade while you wait in line.  Retailers come up with new ideas and advertisements to pique your materialistic nature just as you're supposed to be thankful for what you have.(($200 for a new PS3.  That's what you're thankful for.  You're not thankful that some other jerkwads went out and bought all the PS3's for sale Black Friday morning.  Five years after the system came out.))

But Black Friday is a really good day to get random door busters((Who doesn't love snow globes?  You shake 'em and weird white dust floats awkwardly around a figurine's feet!))  The day is also great for getting presents for everyone on your christmas list.((Check it.  There was a pun there.))  Mostly the one who winks at you when you're looking in the mirror.  You know.  That real sexy cat.  ((The fact that you're fantasizing about felines will not go unjudged.  Lots of judging.  Sexy cat.  Yech.))

Then after your midnight, through two weeks later when the line starts to move, adventure ends you drink some coffee and rush out to the stores that open at 4:00am.  At this point you're sure you can stay awake all night no problem.  About five minutes later everyone is passed out on the expressway home.

Then you dream about why you didn't just wait for Cyber Monday.  Because that uses the internet and doesn't require waiting in very long lines for hours while some people, who have possibly consumed more than their fair share of death, emit odors that are inhumane and lasting.

About Economics

I have no idea about economics.  I'm pretty sure in high school I got a 5 on the AP macro economics test and a 2 on the AP micro economics test.  Micro was considered much easier by everyone else who took the test.  That revealed to me that: I got way luckier with all my guesses on the macro test.  Also, maybe I don't understand money so well.

To try and gain a deeper understanding of money I've started budgeting and tracking my spending.  ((Apparently I spend a lot of money on cookies and Batman.  I don't know if that implies Batman is sending me subliminal messages to eat cookies, but I've got a hunch.))  Another thing I've noticed is that if I finish a week under budget, which is usually considered a good thing, I just feel inefficient.  Why couldn't I close that 2,807 penny gap and meet my goal?

That's the real problem.  With society telling you to write down all your goals to reach them, if you write down a maximum expenditure, it feels like a goal to your brain.  So the obvious thing to do is: set your budget much higher than your income and shoot for the stars!  ((Anyone who wants to send their excess budget my way is more than welcome.  I accept credit cards, IOUs, cash, bear pelts, handshakes, food and original artwork as currency.))

But really, to fix the problem with my brain, I'm going to set my budget at 50% less than the money I have.((Roughly $13.50 all in all.))  That way I can achieve my budgetary goals and still have money left over for next week.  Quitting my job because I'm so efficient with funds, here I come!

I Literally Write Gold

Because I follow these steps whenever I sit down to write:
Step 1 - Write silver
Step 2 - Think about how important build up is
Step 3 - Think about the fine line between building something up and pissing off an audience
Step 4 - Screw with the audience a little
Step 5 - Make the audience want to kill me
Step 6 - Write "Gold"

When I have a hangover and need to write I do each of those steps twice for my own Twelve Step program. But if for some reason those 6 steps don't work for you((Because you're incompetent, or whatever.))  I have some other methods to kick start my writing brain.((A size 12 boot to the temple is a good one.  Write that down.))

-Gripe about not being able to write.  I find it helps me, not at all, to complain loudly to myself that I can't think of anything to write and how I'm terrible at it.  That really brings my mood down and I don't want to write anymore.

-Take any excuse whatsoever to get up ((One second refilling water...)) and leave my train of ((Cat pushed door open, must go close it...)) goods on it's way to Ok((Man Facebook is great.  I could read about Elizabeth's conversation about how coffee snobbery isn't a bad thing forever...))  So really, I get a lot more done while ((Do you know how coffee is made?  It's available everywhere so you just take for granted that it is impossible to grow and make...))  Then pretty much my writing is done!

-My final tactic for really hammering out quality writing is to remind myself that I have a pressing deadline and I'll never finish in time.  Then follow that up with a "If I don't finish in time, I'm a failure" pep talk.  Did I say quality writing?  Because that's what I meant.  Quality.  Writing.  Peroid.  Exclamation point!  Question mark?  All of it, quality.!?

These are just my methods, so I can assure you they'll work for everyone.  ((I believe this is the system Tenacious D used to write the best song in the world.))  Not only that but people who do these things will find themselves more popular with the opposite sex if that's what they're into.  Or more sexual with lamps if that's the sort of thing they love.

Do you have any surefire Smokey the Bear writing tips that will make you write gold?

What Thanksgiving is All About

Thanksgiving is all about ruining any fantasies you entertain about having self control or a loving family.  Most days you wake up and think about how nice it is to be truly deeply cared about.  On thanksgiving you wish you had  been a hermit for years.

Thanksgiving morning you wake up and hell has already started.  Everyone's got that sadistic fmaily member.  The one that murders children in the basement.  The same one who thinks the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade is enjoyable and not a punishment.  It's on when you wake up and you can't watch anything else until the parade ends.  Roughly two and a half weeks later.  Said family member uses dirty guilt ridden words like; tradition, values and change to keep you watching.((Barack Obama always stops by your place too right?  He told us he stops by all the houses of good patriotic god fearing Americans.  I hope he sees you.))

After the parade is over you've got to consume a gluttonous amount of food.  The whole time your Great Aunt Esther is talking loudly about how she has to burp and fart because of the gas in her body.  How she has to take pills for it, and those pills also make her a bit randy.  The goal during dinner is to at no point vomit up everything.  It's good to have unreachable goals.  Besides, cranberry sauce is a really interesting color.

Following dinner you have two options, help with dishes or watch football.  Probably at that point you've started expressing to everyone you love and adore that you'd love to help out, but you were going to give yourself a colonoscopy.  After all the food you've just ate in front of them though, they probably won't buy it.  So suicide it is.

Those are just the good parts though.  If you play your cards right you'll become a millionaire in Vegas and not have to deal with anyone on this festival of family thankfulness.  But you never had a poker face and you'll probably get to help wash dishes.  Maybe when you're done the parade will have ended.  ((Hah!))

Against Internet Shopping

So what are the benefits of going to an in person store?

-You get to drive around looking for parking and curse at the jerkwad in an Yaris who zoomed into that sweet spot you were pulling into.  Three quarters of a mile away from the store.  During the holiday season it only gets better.

-You probably get to wait in lines.  Lines are a lot of fun.  Sometimes other people are in those lines, and you can comisserate with them about how awful it is to stand in a line.  Things during that conversation seem to be going well, so you ask them out on a date.  Just to ensure that the rest of your 13 minute wait is as awkward as possible when they say they're married/washing their hair for the next foreseeable future.  Maybe just wink a lot instead of asking.  Maybe also rub your belly.  Just you know, generic things line activities everyone does.  Maybe you drool a little too, lots of people drool.

Then finally, you're in that store so you can walk away with the item you want right then!  No waiting!  Who knew instant gratification as related to material goods would have come from before the internet age?  Where do actual stores really pull ahead though?  When they have to order in whatever it is you're looking for.

I enjoy spending time driving somewhere, waiting in line to be seen and then talking to a representative for two minutes to realize I could have just stayed home and slept in until 1:00pm.  Ordered my technowizardry while I ate my second bowl of Frosted Flakes.  That might just be me personally though, so I encourage everyone to try wasting their time.

However, you will have to listen to people gripe because everyone does their shopping on the internet and in person stores are dying.  Not a death like dinosaurs, in a huge blast that changes the world.  But like Old Edgar who gets bitter and bitches all the time.  He's on his way out for years and all he does is make you want to kill him.

I'm not saying that stores should have popular items well stocked so as to not lose business to Amazon.  Amazon is a good company, and stores should be honored to lose their business to Amazon.  But instead of trying to actually sell things at your store, focus on the human element.  Stop paying high powered executive salesman,((Note: Wino is an acceptable synonym.)) and start paying pretty high school graduates to hang out and chat with people at your in person stores.

Of Great Ideas!

So everyone knows about tinyurl and uses it a lot.  It's a great service for our short form consumption habits.  You've got a long URL and you want to make it smaller.  Just like everything that's long.  You want to make it smaller.  Ask girls they'll tell you, "That URL is the perfect size for a Twitter user."  ((Note: That is in no way a euphamism for a Twitter enthusiast's genetalia.  They just only have 140 characters to work with, so bigger won't help any, ya' know?))

But there can be so much more!  What about.... shadyurl.com?  It takes a seemingly harmless URL and turns it into a malicious evil seething monster.  For instance ifiwereawriter.com can turn into:

http://5z8.info/bomb-plans_o7o0np_nsfw.

I like that one because it's an nsfw bomb plan.  Most bomb plans are A-OK for the working environment.  But those are usually "Da bomb plans."  The ones Pete is always trying to get you in on.  "Like later tonight dawg, we're goin to tha club n' we're gettin slozzled outta our minds.  It's the bomb-plans man!"

What else can we do to an innocent URL to make people less likely to click onit?  InivisibleURL.  People will see blank posts from you and not know why.  You'll know it's because you're sharing knowledge with those that are brave enough to click on something they can't see.  It's faith.  It's religion.

It's like when you're using your smart phone.  You were trying to zoom in on a loading website, but your phone, correctly, assumed that you actually meant to click a link you couldn't see.  Because people do that.  Intentionally.  But this takes your phone out of the equation.  People everywhere will be clicking randomly all over webpages to find invisible links.((Note: get some invisible advertisements, the click through rate will be great.))  What do those links lead to?  Invisible webpages.  With awesome invisible pictures of Kim Kardashian.

I want all of you developers out there to start working on:

-InvisibleURL
-U%7&8nrea#3458%5.phpt3=?dableURL
- ------- ---((HangmanURL))

Please link back to this article after those services have been created.  Feel free to link to them only in your mind.  I'll know.

To Be Or Not To Be

A well documented scientific fact is that people perform better with less choices.  Choices are like Venom.  They paralyze you.  They hate Spider Man.((I don't want to find sources.  But they exist.  How else would sinks work?))

As you face choices throughout the day it will eat away at your will to do anything. You start off with, "What should I wear?"  You can choose that with relative ease.  Banana hammocks abound.  ((Or banana hammocks if you're a girl.))  Followed by,"What's for breakfast?"  Here you have pancake mix, Fruit Loops and caramel cheesecake. You're worried about your health so you have Fruit Loops.  Then cheesecake.

Jump ahead to lunch time.  You're now having more difficulty.  Jane, your secretary, asks if "You want anything for lunch?" You try and decide between, "A small bowl of french onion soup" or "You-- to leave me alone."  That gets followed up with Jane asking "Do you have any plans tonight?"  To which you respond, "Murdering penguins in Antarctica.  I know they're not native, so I'm having them flown in and dropped, like birds that can't fly, from an airplane, you over inquisitive prick."  You said that instead of "Watching 'The Sing Off'" because you didn't want Jane to lose respect for you.((You can lose respect fine on your own!  You're independent!))

Work for the rest of the day goes alright, but you end up staying late to fix a couple of more things.  On the way home you keep all your fucks, not one is given out.  You pick up a hooker, and blow through all the stop signs.  You see a hobo and give them the rest of your money, $32.47.  When you get home you mix vodka and whiskey and drink it neat while perusing Ebay for bathrobes that look like they were made from a murdered Kermit the Frog and other Muppets.  You don't even brush your teeth before bed, just to show you whose boss.

Hercules killed the hydra and impregnated a ton of girls because "He had no choice."  So obviously, the best way to combat this vicious choice cycle is to have fewer choices.   You can bet your Muppet bathrobe Hercules would have stayed home to watch A Capella groups sing in competition if he had more choices.  So up your heroic quotient!  Throw out your pancakes!  Bring your lunch to work!  Marry a prostitute.  Make decisions now that will help you not make decisions in the future.

Car Troubles

So recently my car has been acting funny.  Not in the starting comedy plays on broadway and getting me mad money for being an actor/car combination the likes of which the world has never seen.((Herbie and Lightning McQueen wouldn't have anything on my car if she decided to start acting.  Nothing.))  It's been more of a "turn the radio up" kind of funny.  Which is arguably, not funny.

But stick with me, what kind of person could assume their car is having a problem when all you can hear is Ke$ha yelling "This place about to blo-o-o-o-owwww."  Followed by Britney Spears saying, "There’s A Countdown Waiting For Me To Erupt."  Listen, I don't believe in signs.  Ask the officer who ticketed me for running one that said "stop."  Also, since I did relatively poorly in algebra and basic math classes the fact that my car seems to be getting 29mpg vs it's regular 33mpg doesn't bother me at all!  I always knew sleeping through math class in high school would work out.  By ignoring this potential car problem it's saving me an infinite amount of time and money, which I could otherwise be spending in a useful proactive way.  Hah!

So you may be wondering what I plan on doing about my car.  But I'm not wondering. I'll just keep driving it until it explodes.  But that never happens.  Cars don't just burst into flames in parking lots.  Right?  That's not a thing?  Pizza Hut parking lots are completely devoid of flaming vehicles?  Anyways I'm not worried.  Not even a little.  Not a teensy weensy bit of worry in me.

Giving Advice Like Abby

Dear Kevin,
     I've been carrying around my doberman since he was a pup.  It has now been 6 years and seven months.  Lately he's been eating so much that I've been having trouble breathing.  It doesn't matter how much running I do, he doesn't get any lighter.  I don't even want to get into what going to the bathroom is like.  Cute girls don't find it funny anymore, nor is anyone impressed with my dedication.
     The vet told me I should just put him down at this point, but he's so loving I am not sure where to start.  What should I do?

Weight On My Chest

Dear Weight On [Your] Chest:  You probably want to put him down with a bang, to show the cute girls the new you, sans doberman.  Try the "Kurt Cobain" and a bullet proof vest.  Check local gun laws and do it between noon and 3:00pm, before kids get home from school.  You don't want the loud noise alarming anyone.

If anyone else has problems they'd like advice about, email Kevin at Apocryphalypse.com  But spell it like it should be!

Reviewing Theater

Why do I do improv?

Last night at an improv show the line, "Having a baby when you're 16 is like a metaphor for being blasted in the face with a shotgun" was said.

That's not why I do improv, that's why I was averse to having a baby when I was 16.  Not that I'm particularly acquainted with being blasted in the face with a shotgun.  I just sort of assume that it's not good.  Because, well, you never hear your friend Richard from school coming up to you and saying, "Hey man.  I went to this awesome 7/11 robbery the other night.  Me and Pete got a couple of PBR 40s and stuck the place up with shotguns.  The clerk was all shades of uninterested until we blasted him in the face with a shotgun.  After that it was faceless party central!"

But, when you're at an improv show, complex human interactions can be broken down on the spot and clarified showing you the whole interconnected and similar nature of people everywhere.  Sure that can happen with your friends and conversation.  But let's be honest, I'd rather feel civilized and get my epiphanies after paying money and sitting in a theater over getting drunk and babbling away at a bar.

I'm not implying that you only have meaningless conversations with your drunk friends that will never amount to anything instead of going to improv shows because you're silly and classless.  Not at all!  I'm flat out saying it!

It's not too late though.  You can find out what drunken firefighters are likely to do, and the average goings on at an African safari, all from the comfort of a theater!

Of Paradoxes

And this next part, I'm not making it up.

When people are telling stories that you assume to be true, they always throw this in.  Probably, they do it to emphasize how amazing it was that this next thing happened.  This next part, I'm not making up.

The elephant ran across the tent and bludgeoned the Overweight-Pudgy-Ball-Man((Oddly enough not a performer in the circus, just a titled gentleman.)) in the head until dead.  Until the man was dead that is.  I'm sure the elephant could have bludgeoned a lot longer had it been doing it until it's own death.  

Now, the first thing that you will have noticed about that bit, is that I made it up.  All of it.  Complete bugger blasted nonsense.  Before saying, "I did not make this up" I had no intention of lying to you, dear reader.  But after writing that phrase the need to make something up overtook me.  It wasn't my fault.  Yet, as an author, when that phrase is written it's solely to make statements more believeable.  I've noticed that people who tell me I can trust them are also more reliable.  But really, this next part, I'm really not making up.

That phrase is really silly and I think in the future I'll just tell it like it is.  You can decide if you believe me or not, with or without my indication as to the madeupness of the proceeding statements.

So here we go, time to use your intellect as opposed to taking whatever this author gives you.

I'm going to write a lot more after this.