Thanksgiving is all about ruining any fantasies you entertain about having self control or a loving family. Most days you wake up and think about how nice it is to be truly deeply cared about. On thanksgiving you wish you had been a hermit for years.
Thanksgiving morning you wake up and hell has already started. Everyone's got that sadistic fmaily member. The one that murders children in the basement. The same one who thinks the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade is enjoyable and not a punishment. It's on when you wake up and you can't watch anything else until the parade ends. Roughly two and a half weeks later. Said family member uses dirty guilt ridden words like; tradition, values and change to keep you watching.((Barack Obama always stops by your place too right? He told us he stops by all the houses of good patriotic god fearing Americans. I hope he sees you.))
After the parade is over you've got to consume a gluttonous amount of food. The whole time your Great Aunt Esther is talking loudly about how she has to burp and fart because of the gas in her body. How she has to take pills for it, and those pills also make her a bit randy. The goal during dinner is to at no point vomit up everything. It's good to have unreachable goals. Besides, cranberry sauce is a really interesting color.
Following dinner you have two options, help with dishes or watch football. Probably at that point you've started expressing to everyone you love and adore that you'd love to help out, but you were going to give yourself a colonoscopy. After all the food you've just ate in front of them though, they probably won't buy it. So suicide it is.
Those are just the good parts though. If you play your cards right you'll become a millionaire in Vegas and not have to deal with anyone on this festival of family thankfulness. But you never had a poker face and you'll probably get to help wash dishes. Maybe when you're done the parade will have ended. ((Hah!))
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