Amazing news! A company, Innovatorizers, has just developed an electronic paper-display that acts like real paper. That is to say it spends most of it's days waiting tables in hopes that one day someone will see it being such a good pretend piece of paper at an upscale restaurant they'll let it pretend that it is in fact paper in front of a huge audience. Big bucks are in store for this technology, just you wait.
The really cool thing is you can crumple and bend this e-paper and it won't break!((...Probably!))
This is exactly what I'e been waiting for. I'm a habitual technology crumpler. But when I bend and smash all my other ereaders they stop working, so this invention is set to save me a ton of money. Also, on regular ereaders I've got to use pliers to bend them like I want. That's a lot of extra energy and tools I could do without. Let me tell you, people with demo devices are not a fan of me. Until now!
Also, one thing I've noticed about phones and laptops, is that I can usually find them. Phones are small enough that I'll need to call them, and laptops can usually be found with some creative blanket lifting and well timed curses. With paper-sized technology though, I could shove it in a notebook and forget about it. I'm always looking for ways to up my hide and seek skills, and this seems really promising.
Paper sized and functioning technology? Ready or not, here I come!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Coffee Alternatives
Its 5:45am. Edna stumbles into the kitchen. She pours coffee grounds into the blender and puts water in the microwave and turns it on. Ten minutes later she's not awake, but aware that she didn't make the coffee quite as the directions specified. After two additional minutes of cursing and reminding herself where she hides her kids toys and calf-level cabinets she's fixed the coffee problem and developed a new set of bruises and contusions. Problem fixed because she left the house before she had any.
Are there better ways to break your coffee addiction? Definitely not. But there are alternatives to coffee in the morning.
Tea! Tea snobs everywhere know how healthy tea is compared to coffee. Antioxidants! Oriental wisdom! So what that you still have your caffeine addiction and a more expensive habit. It's healthy! In moderation. So don't have too much though.
Another alternative to coffee in the morning is having a baby. Babies are better than alarms because they can sustain a much higher pitch and have absolutely no snooze button. Those only last for 2-5 years until you break down and move out to get an extra 15 minutes of sleep. You can always have more babies, but this is the most time consuming alternative to coffee. However, also the funniest if you think cats and dogs being chased and abused toddlers is funny. It is. Hahaha.
Another way to get energized in the morning is to exercise. The health benefits of exercise haven't been fully proven. Which is why watching what you eat and exercising never actually leads to weight loss. But exercise combined with a fad diet can lead to weight loss, and more energy in the morning! It's best to go from zero to sixty with exercise. If you haven't been active lately, promise you'll be running 8 miles a day while memorizing passages from Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment for the next month. Anything less than that and you'll come across as a resolutional wuss. You'd never be able to show your face at the day-after-new-years-eve-depressing-yearly-outlook dinner again.
If none of these alternatives to coffee in the morning seem to be your style, get a new style!
Are there better ways to break your coffee addiction? Definitely not. But there are alternatives to coffee in the morning.
Tea! Tea snobs everywhere know how healthy tea is compared to coffee. Antioxidants! Oriental wisdom! So what that you still have your caffeine addiction and a more expensive habit. It's healthy! In moderation. So don't have too much though.
Another alternative to coffee in the morning is having a baby. Babies are better than alarms because they can sustain a much higher pitch and have absolutely no snooze button. Those only last for 2-5 years until you break down and move out to get an extra 15 minutes of sleep. You can always have more babies, but this is the most time consuming alternative to coffee. However, also the funniest if you think cats and dogs being chased and abused toddlers is funny. It is. Hahaha.
Another way to get energized in the morning is to exercise. The health benefits of exercise haven't been fully proven. Which is why watching what you eat and exercising never actually leads to weight loss. But exercise combined with a fad diet can lead to weight loss, and more energy in the morning! It's best to go from zero to sixty with exercise. If you haven't been active lately, promise you'll be running 8 miles a day while memorizing passages from Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment for the next month. Anything less than that and you'll come across as a resolutional wuss. You'd never be able to show your face at the day-after-new-years-eve-depressing-yearly-outlook dinner again.
If none of these alternatives to coffee in the morning seem to be your style, get a new style!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
For Interviews
So you've got a big interview coming up for a big company. There are some things you can do to make sure that you're looked at in the highest light and are likely to be interviewed and hired. Bribe the HR worker you're corresponding with. ((HR stands for Has specific Receptiveness to being bribed, look it up.))
Other than that you can try making your resume look really great and have lots of important and accurate information on it. Remember, don't put things like "Experienced Male Dancer" and "Great in the Sack" unless you're applying to be a stripper and are prepared to dance with poles until they hire you. No one knows why they always have you dance with Polish people in that situation, but it's unavoidable.
Also a good cover letter can make up for some lacking experience in a resume. A good cover letter shows you're really very full of yourself and maybe read the "about" section of the company's website. Companies like people who can read about sections. The only thing companies like more is people who write about their about sections.((double about and you'll catch a trout!))
Also, in general, the more ridiculous and inhuman the vocabulary you use becomes, the more intelligent people will percieve you as.
Applying for a writer's position?
You may have:
"I do not use the passive voice."
Why not punch that up to:
"A passive manner of speaking, is not one, that I intend to utilize come hell or high water. Tidal wave kind of high water. Smoked a lot of dope kind of high water. Get what it is I am referring to? **wink wink**"
Another example for instance, "Worked at a daycare, and punched Timmy when he'd start fights." Sure there's an honesty there, but companies would much prefer to see some nonsense like, "My last vocational pursuit entailed mediating the troubles of juviniles between 18 months and 5 years of age." HR reps want to know that if they're ever forced to talk to you at a company party, because someone paid them a fiver, they can make an excuse to leave very quickly. The more words you use that have little to no everyday meaning the more likely it is that you'll take up none of their party time with your incredibly boring antics.
So go out and do something incredibly boring that you could put on a resume. Maybe that you're a really hard worker and spend 60+ hours a week doing mundane business related tasks! No one would want to hear about that at a party, so you'd definitely get the job.
Other than that you can try making your resume look really great and have lots of important and accurate information on it. Remember, don't put things like "Experienced Male Dancer" and "Great in the Sack" unless you're applying to be a stripper and are prepared to dance with poles until they hire you. No one knows why they always have you dance with Polish people in that situation, but it's unavoidable.
Also a good cover letter can make up for some lacking experience in a resume. A good cover letter shows you're really very full of yourself and maybe read the "about" section of the company's website. Companies like people who can read about sections. The only thing companies like more is people who write about their about sections.((double about and you'll catch a trout!))
Also, in general, the more ridiculous and inhuman the vocabulary you use becomes, the more intelligent people will percieve you as.
Applying for a writer's position?
You may have:
"I do not use the passive voice."
Why not punch that up to:
"A passive manner of speaking, is not one, that I intend to utilize come hell or high water. Tidal wave kind of high water. Smoked a lot of dope kind of high water. Get what it is I am referring to? **wink wink**"
Another example for instance, "Worked at a daycare, and punched Timmy when he'd start fights." Sure there's an honesty there, but companies would much prefer to see some nonsense like, "My last vocational pursuit entailed mediating the troubles of juviniles between 18 months and 5 years of age." HR reps want to know that if they're ever forced to talk to you at a company party, because someone paid them a fiver, they can make an excuse to leave very quickly. The more words you use that have little to no everyday meaning the more likely it is that you'll take up none of their party time with your incredibly boring antics.
So go out and do something incredibly boring that you could put on a resume. Maybe that you're a really hard worker and spend 60+ hours a week doing mundane business related tasks! No one would want to hear about that at a party, so you'd definitely get the job.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Ticket and a Show.
How much does a ticket and a show cost these days? I'll give you an itemized list of costs.
$42.00 - Ticket to see comedian.
$86.05 - Gas getting to show and friend's place and back.
$162.50 - Another ticket, for coming back from the show too quickly. You know those "targeted enforcement area" signs that indicate you're more likely to get pulled over there? That's a statistical sort of liklihood, in actuality they can still pull you over in other places too. Don't drive too fast through crowded elementry schools is what I'm trying to say.
See when you're driving long distances and making great time, you should do so in a way that police officers do not take note of how great the time your making is. "Golly son, I clocked you going about 80 there. You'd be home in 1/3rd the time at that rate! Why don't you sit in the car for 'bout half an hour while I sit in mine. You can wonder about what it is I'm doing in my car." He then whispers, "Honestly I just like taking my hat off, and putting it back on. I keep little dice in there. They rattle around some. Kinda feels funny on my head, ya'know?" See, police just hate it when people are getting somewhere too quickly.
On my efficient use of time ticket there was a further breakdown of all the different fines I had accrued and what they meant. Things like "J.C.P./A.T.J - Judicial Computer Project/Access to Justice." I didn't know you had to be charged extra for access to justice. But that's well worth it, if you don't pay that one I expect they send you off to Guantanamo.
They explained each charge like the "J.C.P./..." and so on, except for one:
The obviously self explanatory, "COSTS." Because, you know, people have costs. You know the ones. Like. When they buy stuff. Listen, if you don't understand costs by now, there's nothing I can do for you.
So the next time you're driving too fast, remember that it too has it's costs.
$42.00 - Ticket to see comedian.
$86.05 - Gas getting to show and friend's place and back.
$162.50 - Another ticket, for coming back from the show too quickly. You know those "targeted enforcement area" signs that indicate you're more likely to get pulled over there? That's a statistical sort of liklihood, in actuality they can still pull you over in other places too. Don't drive too fast through crowded elementry schools is what I'm trying to say.
See when you're driving long distances and making great time, you should do so in a way that police officers do not take note of how great the time your making is. "Golly son, I clocked you going about 80 there. You'd be home in 1/3rd the time at that rate! Why don't you sit in the car for 'bout half an hour while I sit in mine. You can wonder about what it is I'm doing in my car." He then whispers, "Honestly I just like taking my hat off, and putting it back on. I keep little dice in there. They rattle around some. Kinda feels funny on my head, ya'know?" See, police just hate it when people are getting somewhere too quickly.
On my efficient use of time ticket there was a further breakdown of all the different fines I had accrued and what they meant. Things like "J.C.P./A.T.J - Judicial Computer Project/Access to Justice." I didn't know you had to be charged extra for access to justice. But that's well worth it, if you don't pay that one I expect they send you off to Guantanamo.
They explained each charge like the "J.C.P./..." and so on, except for one:
The obviously self explanatory, "COSTS." Because, you know, people have costs. You know the ones. Like. When they buy stuff. Listen, if you don't understand costs by now, there's nothing I can do for you.
So the next time you're driving too fast, remember that it too has it's costs.
Friday, October 21, 2011
During the Bad Times.
Sometimes things go wrong.
You should really prepare for these things, so that they don't ruin your life. Or, if you're a live-on-the-edge kind of person you can throw caution out the window!
If you do this while driving, watch out for pedestrians and road workers. Those signs that say, "Hit a worker, $10,000 fine" make it sound like you're getting a prize, but you're actually not. Unless, of course, you think a prize is giving lots of money to your state. If you consider it a charity for the worker you hit, maybe that will make it seem like a good cause! Remember, it's all about mindset.
If you've been relying on your phone to keep text messages, because that's what it's always done, stop right there. Next thing you know you're going to be talking about how an object in motion will stay in motion, am I right? Idiot. In a vacuum it might, but here in the real world? It's gunna stop. Friction, or Murphy as he's better known, does not take brakes.
Except the brakes from your car, when you're not looking. Or maybe when you are looking because there's nothing you can do about it. Hah!
So chin up buckaroo, get back on that pommel and have some safety nets put up all around you. Wear a helmet. Brush your teeth. And watch out!
You should really prepare for these things, so that they don't ruin your life. Or, if you're a live-on-the-edge kind of person you can throw caution out the window!
If you do this while driving, watch out for pedestrians and road workers. Those signs that say, "Hit a worker, $10,000 fine" make it sound like you're getting a prize, but you're actually not. Unless, of course, you think a prize is giving lots of money to your state. If you consider it a charity for the worker you hit, maybe that will make it seem like a good cause! Remember, it's all about mindset.
If you've been relying on your phone to keep text messages, because that's what it's always done, stop right there. Next thing you know you're going to be talking about how an object in motion will stay in motion, am I right? Idiot. In a vacuum it might, but here in the real world? It's gunna stop. Friction, or Murphy as he's better known, does not take brakes.
Except the brakes from your car, when you're not looking. Or maybe when you are looking because there's nothing you can do about it. Hah!
So chin up buckaroo, get back on that pommel and have some safety nets put up all around you. Wear a helmet. Brush your teeth. And watch out!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
On Statistics
Today's blog post is brought to you by the number "e." It may seem irrational, but I've got 2.72 reasons why you should read this article anyways. Also a general lack of understanding numbers and statistics brings you this post.((Remember, 47.1% of all statistics are made up on the spot.))
There have been a variety of people and pictures and articles going on about the Occupy Wallstreet/Dallas/YourMomLOL movement going around the country. I'm not a rocket scientist, but there have also been some statistics running rampant. Mostly people claiming to be a certain percent of the population.((Just wanted you to know I'm not a rocket scientist. I give off that vibe, and it confuses people, unrelated to the article though.))
"I'm the 99%!"
"I'm the 53%, stop whining."
...and so on.
It makes one wonder what these people are claiming to be. Let's say for arguments sake that there are 300 million people living in America. That would make any single person roughly 3.3*(10^-7). Which. Is not. 53% of anything. ((Okay, fine one person is 53% of 1.767*(10^-7)people in our make believe population, but you're being nitpicky.))
The fact that any two people could claim to be 53% and 99% of any population is astounding! That would mean there is 142% of people running around out there. I want to know what the 42% of the population that doesn't exist has to say about all this. I bet they're pretty displeased. I bet buckets of money they are. Oh look, I just got buckets of money, I was right.
But maybe these people didn't mean they were part of the population with a certain outlook or anything.
Maybe that 53% is people who enjoy strawberry jelly more than grape jelly on their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.((As is right and good.)) The 99% could be 99% of people who have not been a target of immaculate conception.((Remember teenagers, abstinance only works 99.99% of the time!))
My advice is: if you do want to make a point, get rid of these exact numbers from your conversation. They're false exaggerations and just hyperbole anyways, so let's use words! Let's turn 99% into, "Sure there may be one, or two people out there who like your proposal, but they're not speaking up." 53%? More like, "Golly, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who agree with me." Try and do this throughout your life, for clarity's sake.
True story:64% A WHOLE BUNCH of people looked up immaculate conception after reading this. 100% ALL OF THEM were teenagers. 13% NOT MANY found out that they will give birth to the next messiah.
There have been a variety of people and pictures and articles going on about the Occupy Wallstreet/Dallas/YourMomLOL movement going around the country. I'm not a rocket scientist, but there have also been some statistics running rampant. Mostly people claiming to be a certain percent of the population.((Just wanted you to know I'm not a rocket scientist. I give off that vibe, and it confuses people, unrelated to the article though.))
"I'm the 99%!"
"I'm the 53%, stop whining."
...and so on.
It makes one wonder what these people are claiming to be. Let's say for arguments sake that there are 300 million people living in America. That would make any single person roughly 3.3*(10^-7). Which. Is not. 53% of anything. ((Okay, fine one person is 53% of 1.767*(10^-7)people in our make believe population, but you're being nitpicky.))
The fact that any two people could claim to be 53% and 99% of any population is astounding! That would mean there is 142% of people running around out there. I want to know what the 42% of the population that doesn't exist has to say about all this. I bet they're pretty displeased. I bet buckets of money they are. Oh look, I just got buckets of money, I was right.
But maybe these people didn't mean they were part of the population with a certain outlook or anything.
Maybe that 53% is people who enjoy strawberry jelly more than grape jelly on their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.((As is right and good.)) The 99% could be 99% of people who have not been a target of immaculate conception.((Remember teenagers, abstinance only works 99.99% of the time!))
My advice is: if you do want to make a point, get rid of these exact numbers from your conversation. They're false exaggerations and just hyperbole anyways, so let's use words! Let's turn 99% into, "Sure there may be one, or two people out there who like your proposal, but they're not speaking up." 53%? More like, "Golly, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who agree with me." Try and do this throughout your life, for clarity's sake.
True story:
Monday, October 17, 2011
Writing Legal Papers
So recently, through no fault of my own((How was I supposed to know that Disney characters were all under copyright protection?)), I recently received a cease and desist letter. At first I didn't know what to do because they used big scary legal terms like, "Dear Mr. Stevenson."
Don't worry, I went out immediately and hired my own lawyer. He's a really great guy and it only cost me $638.94 to meet with him and talk about the letter. He told me that I was getting him really cheap for that service.
Anyways, after he read the letter and did some research it was determined that "Mr. Stevenson" was in fact myself. That threw me off, I wasn't sure how I would cease and desist being me. I paid him another $222.00 and he figured out that there was actually more to the letter. It had even more scary legal terms we would have to contend with.
Here's what some of the letter looked like,
"...Dear Mr. Stevenson:
This law firm represents FairUse Inc.
We are writing to inform you that your unlawful copying of FairUse's copyrighted work infringes on our client's exclusive copyrights. Accordingly, you are hearby ordered to
CEASE AND DESIST ALL COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT..."
((My lawyer then told me that writing those letters gets you extra cred, with other lawyers, the more times you use a single word like "copyright" and maintain the legal validity of the document.)) I've been using a lot of copyrighted work for my own personal gain, so obviously I was pretty spooked about this message. But my lawyer assured me that the letter didn't want me to cease and desist "ALL" infringement, just the parts that were FairUse's.
So I did that, and asked my lawyer if there was anything else I should do about this. He said I should definitely pay him another $724.68((I was assured that his prices were definitely NOT random and based on how much rent was due and the current alignment of the planets, which is a well documented medical billing algorithm.)) and buy him lunch for all the good work he did. I paid him $811.64 because you should always tip lawyer's 12%, or they'll send cease and desist not tipping them letters until you hire another lawyer to send the first lawyer cease and desist sending cease and desist not tipping us letters. It can all spiral out of control pretty quickly.
But if anyone is looking to buy Looney Tunes prints, let me know!
Don't worry, I went out immediately and hired my own lawyer. He's a really great guy and it only cost me $638.94 to meet with him and talk about the letter. He told me that I was getting him really cheap for that service.
Anyways, after he read the letter and did some research it was determined that "Mr. Stevenson" was in fact myself. That threw me off, I wasn't sure how I would cease and desist being me. I paid him another $222.00 and he figured out that there was actually more to the letter. It had even more scary legal terms we would have to contend with.
Here's what some of the letter looked like,
"...Dear Mr. Stevenson:
This law firm represents FairUse Inc.
We are writing to inform you that your unlawful copying of FairUse's copyrighted work infringes on our client's exclusive copyrights. Accordingly, you are hearby ordered to
CEASE AND DESIST ALL COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT..."
((My lawyer then told me that writing those letters gets you extra cred, with other lawyers, the more times you use a single word like "copyright" and maintain the legal validity of the document.)) I've been using a lot of copyrighted work for my own personal gain, so obviously I was pretty spooked about this message. But my lawyer assured me that the letter didn't want me to cease and desist "ALL" infringement, just the parts that were FairUse's.
So I did that, and asked my lawyer if there was anything else I should do about this. He said I should definitely pay him another $724.68((I was assured that his prices were definitely NOT random and based on how much rent was due and the current alignment of the planets, which is a well documented medical billing algorithm.)) and buy him lunch for all the good work he did. I paid him $811.64 because you should always tip lawyer's 12%, or they'll send cease and desist not tipping them letters until you hire another lawyer to send the first lawyer cease and desist sending cease and desist not tipping us letters. It can all spiral out of control pretty quickly.
But if anyone is looking to buy Looney Tunes prints, let me know!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Inflation of Costs
Sometimes companies come up with interesting ways to combat people stealing merchandise. A favorite of mine is when they raise prices. "Hey there uh guy. I see we've been losing a lot of our 'uselesslittlethings' and they cost $20 a pop!" A manager may say.
"Yes sir, they do seem to be stolen a lot."
"Well, to fix this we're going to raise prices. Because if we can't sell our smallest merchandise we're really screwed as a company. Like, we don't have a profit margin. If we don't make money on the 'uselesslittlethings' you can kiss your job goodbye. Moral of the story, they're $25 now."
An employee may be confused at this point and say, "But sir, that will only punish the people who don't steal things and make the thieves more likely to steal, because the item is more expensive." That employee may then be fired. Unless their boss had a speech impediment that made their "f's" sound like "h's."
Here is an insight into the mind of one dasterdly thief after finding out about the price hike. "Well, I was going to steal it. But since it costs more to other people, who I don't care about, I'm going to go ahead and steal it." It's a grave lesson they learned, but at least they were taught!
Hopefully big corporations will see the error of their ways and look into other ways to solve the problem. Like breaking the knees of everyone who doesn't steal something. Maybe insulting their clothes or children. There's so much room for improvement. Inconveniencing other people unrelated to the thief will teach them an important lesson! The other people that is. The lesson being, steal more because the people you shop from don't care about you!
"Yes sir, they do seem to be stolen a lot."
"Well, to fix this we're going to raise prices. Because if we can't sell our smallest merchandise we're really screwed as a company. Like, we don't have a profit margin. If we don't make money on the 'uselesslittlethings' you can kiss your job goodbye. Moral of the story, they're $25 now."
An employee may be confused at this point and say, "But sir, that will only punish the people who don't steal things and make the thieves more likely to steal, because the item is more expensive." That employee may then be fired. Unless their boss had a speech impediment that made their "f's" sound like "h's."
Here is an insight into the mind of one dasterdly thief after finding out about the price hike. "Well, I was going to steal it. But since it costs more to other people, who I don't care about, I'm going to go ahead and steal it." It's a grave lesson they learned, but at least they were taught!
Hopefully big corporations will see the error of their ways and look into other ways to solve the problem. Like breaking the knees of everyone who doesn't steal something. Maybe insulting their clothes or children. There's so much room for improvement. Inconveniencing other people unrelated to the thief will teach them an important lesson! The other people that is. The lesson being, steal more because the people you shop from don't care about you!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Professional Fairs
Are you a salesman of some sort of technology? Do you like sitting behind a desk and desperately trying to gain the attention of people who just came to see you, but couldn't care less about seeing you?
We've got an event you're bound to enjoy!((Note: that's supposed to be written as "bound to, enjoy!" the author doesn't understand commas though, apologies.))
Technology fairs!
Often times these events are held on college campuses where there are hundreds of faculty and thousands of students more than willing to sleep through and forget about it entirely. So you'll have plenty of time to network and connect with the other bored put-off technology fair workers. That's not all, a lot of times the technology is actually cutting edge and entertaining! Like televisions playing movies. If you're the type of person who enjoys watching "History of Violence" on a small screen in a large loud room repeating in a loop, they've got that!
There are tablet computers you can touch, there are big electronic whiteboards you can touch, and there are prizes being given out that you can absolutely not touch. To touch those prizes, people must agree to come back at a certain, much later, time. That person coming back is really likely, as technology and job fairs are nonstop fun houses of excitement and intrigue. No one feels like cattle at all! ((Ignore the herding dogs, they just love the exciting atmosphere.))
So; if you don't like sleeping, you like awkward stinted conversations with otherwise cool people, you enjoy feeling put on the spot and have absolutely nothing better to do, stop on by a technology fair and network it up!
We've got an event you're bound to enjoy!((Note: that's supposed to be written as "bound to, enjoy!" the author doesn't understand commas though, apologies.))
Technology fairs!
Often times these events are held on college campuses where there are hundreds of faculty and thousands of students more than willing to sleep through and forget about it entirely. So you'll have plenty of time to network and connect with the other bored put-off technology fair workers. That's not all, a lot of times the technology is actually cutting edge and entertaining! Like televisions playing movies. If you're the type of person who enjoys watching "History of Violence" on a small screen in a large loud room repeating in a loop, they've got that!
There are tablet computers you can touch, there are big electronic whiteboards you can touch, and there are prizes being given out that you can absolutely not touch. To touch those prizes, people must agree to come back at a certain, much later, time. That person coming back is really likely, as technology and job fairs are nonstop fun houses of excitement and intrigue. No one feels like cattle at all! ((Ignore the herding dogs, they just love the exciting atmosphere.))
So; if you don't like sleeping, you like awkward stinted conversations with otherwise cool people, you enjoy feeling put on the spot and have absolutely nothing better to do, stop on by a technology fair and network it up!
Monday, October 10, 2011
About Broca's Area
I'm what some would refer to as, "Quite the hep cat, with a catywampus swagger that's the bees knees and the cat's meow." So, needless to say though it is, I'll say it anyways: I'm down with kids' terminologies and lexicon. Their vocabulary is my vocabulary.
But it alarms me that some of our words are going missing.
What I believe happened is: The valley girl part of everyone's brain was driving along the highway when it was in a horrible crash with all the words we use. People can still talk, but sometimes the ends of their words just drop off. The terms and phrases might never have come out of the hospital, or they did but they're just not the same. It's probs not a big... OH NO! That's totes unaccept... WTF? I mean, irl this isn't a problem cuz it's just about how you sound. But have our vocal chords really become so tired with the tedium of speaking that we can't coerce them into going through with entire words? In fact, yes. This is a society that has a one character symbol for a two letter word. @Lazyness.
Don't expect more from your fellow people than an utterance such as, "Good dinner, like totes delish!"
Since we're not going to get around this shortening problem, I'll provide some tips so you can seem like a member of a generation you're not a part of.((Note, use this language at your own risk. Even if used with technical precision younger people may giggle at you for trying. They've also been known to use terms like, "fathead," and "fugly" injudiciously at offenders.))
"Probs not" -Prohbs naht
Used to imply that something is unlikely to occur. "Date him? Probs not!" Note: Never used as a positive, you aren't "probs going" you'd "probs not be going."
Valley Girl synonym: "As if!"
"Totes" -toetss
This is a positive exclamation/affirmation. "Yeah I'm totes coming tonight."
Valley Girl synonym: "Like totally"
"Obvy" -Ahbvee
This term is used to declare a statement of something incredibly clear. Usually used alone in response to another statement. "So are you into him?" "Obvy"
Valley Girl synonym: "For sure!"
Also, if you come across a word with more than one syl, just drop off everything after that, or wherevs it sounds good. Advanced speakers can even do this with foreign words to make them mean something new. Konichiwa -> Konich -> "Good," or whatever else you want it to be!
Now you can totes carry on convos with the pop kids. But probs not really, you're hopelessly helpless. Obvy. After all, you're appsauce for brains.
Konich till next time!
But it alarms me that some of our words are going missing.
What I believe happened is: The valley girl part of everyone's brain was driving along the highway when it was in a horrible crash with all the words we use. People can still talk, but sometimes the ends of their words just drop off. The terms and phrases might never have come out of the hospital, or they did but they're just not the same. It's probs not a big... OH NO! That's totes unaccept... WTF? I mean, irl this isn't a problem cuz it's just about how you sound. But have our vocal chords really become so tired with the tedium of speaking that we can't coerce them into going through with entire words? In fact, yes. This is a society that has a one character symbol for a two letter word. @Lazyness.
Don't expect more from your fellow people than an utterance such as, "Good dinner, like totes delish!"
Since we're not going to get around this shortening problem, I'll provide some tips so you can seem like a member of a generation you're not a part of.((Note, use this language at your own risk. Even if used with technical precision younger people may giggle at you for trying. They've also been known to use terms like, "fathead," and "fugly" injudiciously at offenders.))
"Probs not" -Prohbs naht
Used to imply that something is unlikely to occur. "Date him? Probs not!" Note: Never used as a positive, you aren't "probs going" you'd "probs not be going."
Valley Girl synonym: "As if!"
"Totes" -toetss
This is a positive exclamation/affirmation. "Yeah I'm totes coming tonight."
Valley Girl synonym: "Like totally"
"Obvy" -Ahbvee
This term is used to declare a statement of something incredibly clear. Usually used alone in response to another statement. "So are you into him?" "Obvy"
Valley Girl synonym: "For sure!"
Also, if you come across a word with more than one syl, just drop off everything after that, or wherevs it sounds good. Advanced speakers can even do this with foreign words to make them mean something new. Konichiwa -> Konich -> "Good," or whatever else you want it to be!
Now you can totes carry on convos with the pop kids. But probs not really, you're hopelessly helpless. Obvy. After all, you're appsauce for brains.
Konich till next time!
Friday, October 7, 2011
Production Value
I hear people throwing around the phrase "Production Value" like it was one character's catchphrase in Super 8. Well I've got news for you, it is! But that's not the only news I've got for you, it's much more than that. It's. Production Value.
What does it mean to have production value? It means when people walk by and see it, the first thought in their head is, "Those guys with production value, they most definitely do not talk about having intercourse with trees. Not even once, for fun!" It's really important to cultivate production value and professionalism in your business or personal life for just that reason. Otherwise people will think you're constantly in a complicated relationship with a deciduous Ann Magnolia. Who doesn't return your calls. But it's not because she doesn't like you, she's just got a lot going on, what with winter coming up and her needing to shed her leaves and all. Besides she's happy being alone, she doesn't need someone with production value to be with her.
Hah! If you believe that it's because you haven't got any production value! If you had any, of course even trees would want to have relationships with you. Remember production value is only a "re" away from reproduction value!
Some ways you can increase your production value:
-Spend money! That's really the best way to make yourself look good. Buy the most expensive things available.
-Make it look like you spent money! If you don't actually have the funds to spare, find some consistency. You just need all of your crappy stuff to look the same. That way people will assume you did it on purpose.
-Stop having sex with trees. That's the opposite of production value.
So after you've spent some money call up ol' Ann Magnolia and tell her, "Hey deciduous Ann, I'm above you! I don't want to date you at all ever again!" Then sit back and relax as she, and all the other people try to get in on your impressive ground-floor, if you know what I mean.((I mean the floor with the checkerboard tile that goes really well with your solid marble columns that hold up your mansion. In case that wasn't clear.))
ps: Remember, even though Ann will now want to date you, you must say no! Otherwise she'll realize all your production value is just a clever ruse and you just want to get back to tree humping!
What does it mean to have production value? It means when people walk by and see it, the first thought in their head is, "Those guys with production value, they most definitely do not talk about having intercourse with trees. Not even once, for fun!" It's really important to cultivate production value and professionalism in your business or personal life for just that reason. Otherwise people will think you're constantly in a complicated relationship with a deciduous Ann Magnolia. Who doesn't return your calls. But it's not because she doesn't like you, she's just got a lot going on, what with winter coming up and her needing to shed her leaves and all. Besides she's happy being alone, she doesn't need someone with production value to be with her.
Hah! If you believe that it's because you haven't got any production value! If you had any, of course even trees would want to have relationships with you. Remember production value is only a "re" away from reproduction value!
Some ways you can increase your production value:
-Spend money! That's really the best way to make yourself look good. Buy the most expensive things available.
-Make it look like you spent money! If you don't actually have the funds to spare, find some consistency. You just need all of your crappy stuff to look the same. That way people will assume you did it on purpose.
-Stop having sex with trees. That's the opposite of production value.
So after you've spent some money call up ol' Ann Magnolia and tell her, "Hey deciduous Ann, I'm above you! I don't want to date you at all ever again!" Then sit back and relax as she, and all the other people try to get in on your impressive ground-floor, if you know what I mean.((I mean the floor with the checkerboard tile that goes really well with your solid marble columns that hold up your mansion. In case that wasn't clear.))
ps: Remember, even though Ann will now want to date you, you must say no! Otherwise she'll realize all your production value is just a clever ruse and you just want to get back to tree humping!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Describing What's Impossible
To anyone out there who doesn't believe that anything is possible, note this:
A poem of Rhymes for Orange
Today I was walking along, eating an orange
But I, being silly, hit my head on a door hinge.
I vomitted immediately creating a brown floor-tinge
Angry, it got cleaned up with fire! ((A sore-singe.))
The lady coming over later, will "whore cringe."
((Which is similar to the look on one's face after a bore-binge))
Really I'll just call it a day. At it's core, fringe.
And tomorrow, I will have no orange.
Another poem! Now with 94% more motivation!
You think something can't be done? You're wrong.
I once heard a deaf man sing a beautiful song.
Stop what you're doing, stop right now,
Get up and go out, be better somehow!
Fight the good fight, or the bad one real well,
Just fight your own fight, or you're in your hell.
Now, I understand that some of you don't have the proclivity((no idea what that word means)) for writing exquisite poetry like myself. But that doesn't mean you can't! Drink a little alcohol, sit in your favorite chair, read a couple of Dr. Seuss poems... and then get a life. You're drinking alone while reading Dr. Seuss as an adult?
...That's normal. But again, you can do it. Nothing is impossible. You think your BA in English doesn't qualify you for any jobs? What about ruining people's lives and wreaking havoc with their emotions! Think just because you've spent your whole life up to now learning the specific applications of thermodynamics to self-contained assholes you can't stop and become a hooker? Wrong! Really, you're the only person who gets in your way.
Though inanimate objects get in your way too. Like door-hinges. The fire department is looking into whether or not cleaning up vomit with fire is arson or not. They have a lot of nit-picky questions like, "Why were all of your cats locked up in a cage right where the fire started if you weren't trying to kill them?" I've got to go deal with that.
A poem of Rhymes for Orange
Today I was walking along, eating an orange
But I, being silly, hit my head on a door hinge.
I vomitted immediately creating a brown floor-tinge
Angry, it got cleaned up with fire! ((A sore-singe.))
The lady coming over later, will "whore cringe."
((Which is similar to the look on one's face after a bore-binge))
Really I'll just call it a day. At it's core, fringe.
And tomorrow, I will have no orange.
Another poem! Now with 94% more motivation!
You think something can't be done? You're wrong.
I once heard a deaf man sing a beautiful song.
Stop what you're doing, stop right now,
Get up and go out, be better somehow!
Fight the good fight, or the bad one real well,
Just fight your own fight, or you're in your hell.
Now, I understand that some of you don't have the proclivity((no idea what that word means)) for writing exquisite poetry like myself. But that doesn't mean you can't! Drink a little alcohol, sit in your favorite chair, read a couple of Dr. Seuss poems... and then get a life. You're drinking alone while reading Dr. Seuss as an adult?
...That's normal. But again, you can do it. Nothing is impossible. You think your BA in English doesn't qualify you for any jobs? What about ruining people's lives and wreaking havoc with their emotions! Think just because you've spent your whole life up to now learning the specific applications of thermodynamics to self-contained assholes you can't stop and become a hooker? Wrong! Really, you're the only person who gets in your way.
Though inanimate objects get in your way too. Like door-hinges. The fire department is looking into whether or not cleaning up vomit with fire is arson or not. They have a lot of nit-picky questions like, "Why were all of your cats locked up in a cage right where the fire started if you weren't trying to kill them?" I've got to go deal with that.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Explaining Programming
For anyone not computer savvy, I'll explain what learning to and actually programming is like. It's like telling the stupidest person you know, let's say "Jake," how to do the simplest task. Jake isn't regular stupid though, he is all the way stupid.
So let's say, as a programmer/friend, you want to get Jake to go on a walk with you. Mind you he's not handicapped in any way, Jake looks just like a normal person, he's got arms, legs, feet, etc. Everything a person has. Except, if you don't tell him right off the bat that he can use his feet he's got no idea. You can't just say "Hey man, let's go walk to the store." No, you've got to say something like:
{ Jake, this is where your instructions for our walk are gunna start
*You can use your legs
*You can use your eyes
This is the plan {
GoForAWalk(){
Use your eyes to see if anything is in your way {
{
A.If not, use your legs and move forward
}
{
B.Otherwise, use your eyes to find a way that's not
obstructed, then A.
}
}
}
}
Jake, this is where your instructions for our walk end }
So that right there would make it so you could say "Hey Jake, GoForAWalk, with me."
And he would! Not a good walk, he'd go straight until he hit something, stop, turn until something wasn't in front of him then go straight again. But it is a walk, and you got him to do it. Congratulations!
However, on top of being generally dumb Jake's consistently hung over. So he's ornery about shit, specifically grammar and capitalization. If you say to him, because you're tired, "Hey Jake, goforAWalk, with me" he will act like he has NO IDEA what you mean. Sure, there's only one thing you've told him how to do, so that's all he can do. But he would just sit there. Saying, "goforAWalk?! Wtf are you trying to tell me. If you said GoForAWalk I could do that, but fuckin... goforAWalk... I have no idea man." He'll usually be able to correct things, but won't unless you tell him that it's a good idea to.
This is why programmers are unanimously against physical activity. In their brain they have to try and explain these simple tasks to someone like Jake, and after about two minutes of that train of thought they never want to move again.
So let's say, as a programmer/friend, you want to get Jake to go on a walk with you. Mind you he's not handicapped in any way, Jake looks just like a normal person, he's got arms, legs, feet, etc. Everything a person has. Except, if you don't tell him right off the bat that he can use his feet he's got no idea. You can't just say "Hey man, let's go walk to the store." No, you've got to say something like:
{ Jake, this is where your instructions for our walk are gunna start
*You can use your legs
*You can use your eyes
This is the plan {
GoForAWalk(){
Use your eyes to see if anything is in your way {
{
A.If not, use your legs and move forward
}
{
B.Otherwise, use your eyes to find a way that's not
obstructed, then A.
}
}
}
}
Jake, this is where your instructions for our walk end }
So that right there would make it so you could say "Hey Jake, GoForAWalk, with me."
And he would! Not a good walk, he'd go straight until he hit something, stop, turn until something wasn't in front of him then go straight again. But it is a walk, and you got him to do it. Congratulations!
However, on top of being generally dumb Jake's consistently hung over. So he's ornery about shit, specifically grammar and capitalization. If you say to him, because you're tired, "Hey Jake, goforAWalk, with me" he will act like he has NO IDEA what you mean. Sure, there's only one thing you've told him how to do, so that's all he can do. But he would just sit there. Saying, "goforAWalk?! Wtf are you trying to tell me. If you said GoForAWalk I could do that, but fuckin... goforAWalk... I have no idea man." He'll usually be able to correct things, but won't unless you tell him that it's a good idea to.
This is why programmers are unanimously against physical activity. In their brain they have to try and explain these simple tasks to someone like Jake, and after about two minutes of that train of thought they never want to move again.
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