Drugs

Recently I've been having a lot of caffeine.  Right now I'm having none.  My body, to point that out to me, made me get real tired and have a headache.  I know what you're thinking, "Ineffectual and stupid, why would your body think that was a good way to communicate what it needs?  That's just dumb." It works, I bought a latte because I was wanting a nap at work, which is not ideal.  ((Unless you work at the napping factory.  In which case there is probably not a place to buy lattes.)) Without realizing it people take a lot of cues on how to communicate from their body.  Cues from the same bodies that get erections during math class in middle school.  ((Or if you're a girl, make you laugh at boys' erections in middle school.  Or if you're a transvestite, laugh and do meth in middle school.))  Which is ideal, without those erections you'd never learn how to walk like Groucho Marx, or laugh at Groucho Marx, or do meth.

Since my body knows what's up, I am going to extrapolate this biological communication out to help me with some current problems.

I want a better job.  

To make this clear to the everyone I'm going to get really irritated all the time at my current job and sleep poorly at night.  That way, in the long run I'll get bitter and angry, until it worsens to me getting fired.  After that I'll pick up drinking, because poisoning myself until I want to vomit will seems like a good "biological" way to show everyone I'm working on fixing my flaws.  After that I'll dress up as a clown, put on pink eye shadow and punch police officers in the junk.  That will show everyone that I've found that better job.  Extreme Full Contact Clowning Around.

EFCCA'ers will be a group of rich people that fight with your average minimum wage employee.  They'll go to comedy clubs and not tell any jokes.  They'll go to the Playboy Mansion and read articles.  They're the counter-anti-revolutionaries the world's been looking for.  

I know the world's been looking for them because it's 41 degrees out in Upstate NY in the middle of winter.

Holiday Cheer

"Is it hard when you wake up?  Is it hard when you're giving gifts?  Is it hard when loved ones come from out of town?  Is it hard just getting through the day?"  I heard that on television and really wasn't sure if it was an ad for depression, or inquiring about an erection lasting longer than four hours.

That's because the holidays are far too sexual for anyone's good.  Think about all the religious/holiday songs you hear that have sexy undertones.  "Santa Claus is coming...,"  "Oh come all ye faithful...," "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord..." I could go on.((Not really.  Tired me out.))  Even the return of Jesus is referred to as "The Second Coming of the Lord" instead of... the return of Jesus.  Probably because the church doesn't want to get into a copyright battle with Universal for some up and coming action movie.((Up and coming?  That phrase isn't an accident people.))

Even buying presents for people I've heard ereaders, silly reading devices, called "the perfect size at the perfect price."  Which leads me to believe if you're looking to start hooking $100 is a good price point for perfectly sized gentlemen.

Oh come on people, it's not that dirty!

My Job

My job is interesting.  It's part time salesman, part time tech support and 100% minimum wage employment.  I get to enjoy the benefits of a lot of jobs all at once.

Job 1 - Salesman.
For this part of my job I do a lot that is generally against my nature ie, trying to convince people that there is some benefit to buying something in store versus online. ((I wrote about that before! Against Internet Shopping)) The most notable benefit is that they get to talk to me.  If they're lucky maybe they'll buy me some coffee, or expensive jewelry, or they can also sacrifice virgins to try and gain my favor.  Don't worry, those are just some of the more tame offers I've accepted.  This part of my job also sees me doing ANYTHING to get customers out the door with my store's product.  That anything is usually reminding them they always have free in store support for what they buy from us.  I think it's because I was dropped on my head as a child I remind them of that, because otherwise I would remember that I am that tech support.

Job 2 - Tech support.
This part of my job is like what happens when I'm "a fool and forget to wrap my tool."  I catch myself saying things like, "No, of course we'll be able to explain how to use this device, no problem!" to a person who has just said they'll be getting it for their technologically impaired temperamental 80 year old golden retriever.  Don't get confused though, this isn't a real tech support job, where I can help customers with account issues or replace broken devices.  ((I have to call tech support for that.))  I just mostly reboot angry people's devices.  If you're a part of my generation you will absolutely not be impressed with how many people think their device is broken until I restart it.  I'd say probably at least two people a day.

Finally my job is in fact all minimum wage.  That means I get to work 30-40 hours a week, without ever actually getting to 40 hours on the dot, as that would mean I'd need benefits.  My 39.858823 hours a week gets me a meal 4/5 days of the week and the ability to stay at any number of local family member's houses.  It helps if they have a basement and don't really notice I'm there for 3-5 days at a go.  Less awkward that way. So quit complaining and loafing around, go out there and quit your minimum wage job today!

21st Birthdays

I know, you've just turned 21 and are wondering: How should I celebrate?  The most obvious answer is to call up some of your closest and not so close friends, grab a 1,000 piece puzzle and get down to business! Oh wait, that's how you celebrate New Years Eve, my mistake.

But many people on their 21st birthday go out and do what they've been doing for years, they're just not afraid of being arrested for it.  Killing hobos.  See, after you drink enough alcohol you're not worried about the police, bouncers, your friends, or anything at all.  Peeing your pants may even seem like a funny alternative to peeing in the corner when no one is looking.((If you're a guy.  If you're a girl you'll probably want to try it when people are looking, just to see how awkward it gets.  Maintain eye contact the entire time!))

Also, many people will tell you not to drink anything on your 21st that you wouldn't normally drink.  Those people are all undercover cops trying to trick you.  Obviously if you're under 21 you haven't had even a sip of wine on New Years Eve.  Ever.  Because everyone waits until they're 21 to have their first drink.  Really the draw of being 21 is in being able to go to bars.  That way you can experience old guys creeping on young girls.((It is really beneficial.  That way if you're a good eavesdropper you can creep on the same cute girls, sans creepiness!))

If tonight is your 21st I'll have a drink for you.  Probably if your birthday is within the next 14 days I'll have a drink for you tonight.  Also, if you look away from the bar for any length of time I'll have your drink for you.

Cooking Now

I like the exercise term, "stay in shape."  As that's different than getting in shape.  I eat a large amount of cookies to stay in shape, I exercise to make myself feel better about eating cookies.  Mostly chocolate chips.  Not oatmeal cookies, I feel great about those all the time.  Even when they break up with me and don't talk to me anymore.

I'm not bitter about when the cookie broke up with me.  The relationship was crumbly to begin with.  Besides, I can just find another cookie somewhere else.  There are a lot of bakeries around town if you know what I mean.  

Thinking about getting a sugar cookie.  That way I can sit around all day and ... eat a sugar cookie.  Hopefully it will be Dr. Sugar Cookie and wants to put me up in a nice house.  But we won't get a dog, because the dog might eat Dr. Sugar Cookie and I'd have a difficult time explaining to the IRS and police that a simple snack was supporting me and this mansion. 

No dogs in Cookie Mansion.

Crazy People

I like bluetooth headsets and playing videogames on my computer for the same reason.  I'm crazy, but if I communicate in any other way people won't realize it!  But when I get my bluetooth or game on, people become cognizant that I apparently have witty banter with myself.

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of other uses for bluetooth headsets besides just looking crazy.  It makes other people who try to interact with you seem awkward and dumb just because they didn't realize you had one on. 

Bluetooth guy: "Hey."

--Outsider--: "Oh, hi!"

Bluetooth guy: With incredulous/dumbfounded look on his face, "Oh no I wasn't talking to you, I am talking to you, no not you, yes I'm still on the phone with you."

--Outsider--: "Uh.  Is there anything I can help you with?"

Bluetooth guy: "Yes, actually I was looking for a something, do you know where something is?  No, why would I ask you where a something is, do you even know where I am?"

--Outsider--: "It is uh, it is over that way."

See, in the above conversation, absolutely everyone felt like an idiot!  Except for, of course, the person who was the root of the problem, bluetooth guy.  The gamer conversation would be pretty similar, but there would be more references to someone being 12 years old and sleeping with everyone's mother.  From my understanding the mothers really seem to enjoy all their time fornicating with twelve year olds.

I'm going to start walking around with a cellphone to my head/bluetooth on, but pointedly yelling at people I see in person.  "Yeah you there with the green shirt, you're dumbfoundingly ugly.  Really gross."  I'll just throw in a couple of disgusted looks and a "No, not you." every now and again.  That way everyone will be sure I am completely bonkers.

Relationships

You know that point in a relationship, where you look at someone, see their frustration, walk over, touch their shoulder, and express to them that, "You can say anything to me, I love you."

Unless you want to hear, "Quack quack neigh moo" stay away from that point.  Tell me that I can tell you anything, and you're going to be hearing a lot more about how Becca from third grade had a super big crush on Jimmy even though he got pantsed in gym class the year before.  A lot more.  Like how she stole some of  hair from the boys locker room the same day he got pantsed.  At least, everyone was pretty sure it was his.

The flip side of that point in a relationship is the, "Don't ever say anything to me again you cheating-on-me-with-my-sibling-while-I-was-helping-starving-kids-in-Africa" point.  This is a point you really want to strive for, because a lot of people have pretty attractive siblings.  Genes and all that point to other family members being attractive in similar ways to the person you originally dated.  That and there are a lot of really bad movie plots that can be weaved around that scenario, so you can probably write a screenplay no problem.

Then there's the classic "honeymoon" point in relationships.  That's of course, right after you get married and don't want to talk to the other person because of how awfully annoying they are in airport lines.  No one told you that waiting in an airport, no matter how great Maui will be, is still going to suck.  And that your new spouse snores and drools while in airports.  And that they get really mad when they wake up and find out you're on a plane to St. Paul/Minneapolis so as to make it look like you weren't really together.  Its a touchy time in relationships.  That's why its always a good idea to feign an interest in reading any of Homer's epic poems.  Other people will think you're intelligent and as they've never actually read the Odyssey and have nothing to talk about, leave you alone.

Unacceptable Blogging Topics

-How flies procreate
-How flies amateurly create
-Really anything to do with flies' sex life
-Unless I meant a fly sex life, write about that all day
-But I didn't, so it stays on the list
-Aneurysms, unless they're particularly funny
-Stand up comedians, unless they're particularly funny

Even if you're a great writer there is no way you could interest me in how the male mounts the female from behind.  I've seen videos.  Namely Citizen Kane, and I assure you sex is not a topic I think about afterwards.  Even if the term "rosebud" brought up slightly illicit images in my head.  It doesn't.

You'll notice right away a few of the things left off of the list:
-Why doing laundry at 8:00am is best
-How to properly eat a pizza
-The health benefits of salmonella

That's because even an awful writer could make that interesting.  Picture this, wake up at 7:00am and have a nice breakfast.  Follow that up with a quick jog around the block.  Then you're ready to do laundry.  Or how when you get salmonella 72% of the weight lost is pure food you just ate.  Lipozene be damned.  Salmonella is much more natural, and the side effects are less dangerous.  That and you can get it without changing any of your eating habits.

Also, you can probably write about those topics if you don't want to change your writing habits.((Wearing the same clothes nuns do while I write just makes me feel more righteous, and I never wash them.))

First Draft

If you haven't seen http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/07/investment-manager-embarrassing-email_n_1135279.html go ahead and read it.  I found his first draft and have posted it below!

Hi all the girls I've ever dated,

I'm disappointed in you.  I'm disappointed that you didn't respond to my voicemail messages(numbering 13 and one half.  I hung up the first time because I did not want to sound desperate, so I am counting that as a half.) and my text messages(numbering 23 over the past 4 days.)

FYI, keep in mind that you're an ugly brutish wreck of a human being.  If I said that in person it wouldn't come across as being offensive or insulting, this is an email.  So just remember that what I'm saying, you twatariffic immature like a 12 year old girl who needs her mommy, isn't meant to be patronizing in any way.  I watched you outside your house for hours last night.  I saw you using your computer, and that's how I got your email.

I'm pretty sure you do want to see me again.  Otherwise I wouldn't send this email asking you why you're ignoring me.  Ignoring me is confusing, because when we were together at dinner you didn't ignore me.  As most women ignore me, when one doesn't I'm pretty sure its because she wants to see me again.  But now you are ignoring me and I need you to apologize to me.

Some things went on during dinner include, but are not limited to the following:((I'm leaving out how you didn't even offer to get the check.  I thought you said you were a 21st century girl?))

-You played with your hair.  Everyone knows when a girl plays with her hair she is being flirtatious.  I followed up on that flirtation by sitting on my side of the table and talking about how I invest real money for my parents.  Mother says that I have a real job.  So does father.  When I got home I did a google search, "girl played with her hair on first date, what does that mean?"  I got a reliable answer from Yahoo answers, his sources were "banging lots of chicks after a first date."  OzzyF*&^Gurlzz02 said that you were definitely into me if you were playing with your hair.

-We had lots of eye contact.  My eye was, at one point, physically touching your eye.  That's a lot.  On a per-minute basis I have never stared at someone's eyes while they weren't saying anything nearly as much as I did during our date.

-You said, "It was nice to meet you." at the end of our date.  A whore could say this as a way to say she was a stupid whore who is stupid, or she could mean what she said, that it was nice to meet you.  I'm not sure which way you were going.  Remember, emails sound a lot harsher than talking in person.

-I talked a lot about my parents and how much money I made during dinner.  You nodded and played with your hair.  I don't think I'm being delusional in saying this statement.

OH GOD WHY!?!  WHY WON'T YOU DATE ME!  I WANT YOU SO MUCH.  I HAVEN'T GONE ON A DATE IN YEARS AND YOU PLAYED WITH YOUR HAIR GODDAMMIT.  I SAW IT.  I SAW YOU PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR.  OZZYF*&^GURLZZ02 SAID THAT WAS A GOOD SIGN.  WHY WOULD HE LIE TO ME?!  JUST CALL ME AND APOLOGIZE SO WE CAN GO ON ANOTHER DATE AND HAVE EVEN MORE PER-MINUTE BASIS EYE CONTACT.  MAYBE I'LL EVEN STOP DROOLING AT SOMEPOINT DURING OUR MEAL!

...Just.  Listen, we should go out again.  If you call me and apologize I think I'll be able to convince you to go out with me again.  That's my subtle subtext here, but you're probably too much of an immature idiot blabber mouthed girl to understand that.  I'm a fucking poet, thinker, doer, everything!  Leonardo DaVinci doesn't have shit on me!  I made my parents real money, NOT Monopoly Money!  My number is 867-5309.  Call me.  Sorry if this sounds harsh, its just you can't see my body language in an email.((I'm fucking jumping up and down screaming and gnashing my teeth.  That and crying, I switch between crying in a corner and gnashing my teeth in rage.))

Best.

Things I Pay Money For

This seems like its going to open with, "hookers," I know.  Followed closely by; food, razors and student loans.  Which one of those items is not like the other?  Razors, because they are about 1000% too expensive.  Its not that I grow facial hair just so I don't have to buy razors, I also just like looking like the type of person who commits crimes of passion in the 70s.

Food is a good thing to spend money on, but no matter what you're spending too much.  If you go out to eat?  Too much money for what you're getting.  If you cook at home?  Too much because you're eating more than cheap healthy rice and vegetables.  If you just eat cheap healthy rice and vegetables?  This is an honest place, so we won't go there.  Luckily with the holidays being near a lot of people are willing to give you cookies because delicious chocolate chip misery loves company.  So maybe you save money on food during the holidays, as other people are so giving.  That extra money gets saved up in the form of paying gym memberships and buying treadmills so you'll feel guilty when spending time in your basement.

Then comes the big money suck, student loans.  It was nice of the government to give you that money for your overpriced education, and they only charge you 6% interest!  The best repayment plan involves taking half of your money for 10 years.  Then you pay taxes.  Then you buy razors.  Then you tell the loan shark that you'll have the money in a few weeks if they'll just hold off on breaking your knees.  Then you buy food.  Then you change your name to Wesley and move to Mexico hoping that razors are cheaper there.

Well Wesley, razors are never cheap.  There is no such thing as a free shave.  You're still paying for the haircut.

Vehicular Communication

Has anyone else noticed how touchy other drivers can be?  You're not allowed to go slow.  That's annoying to everyone behind you.  But you're also not allowed to pass anyone who is going slow, unless you're a real douche nozzle.  Overall its safe to say anything you do on the road makes everyone else angry.  That being said, there are a lot of interesting ways to express your dissatisfaction with another driver on the road.

You can always turn your high beams on and off.  That's because how bright your lights are is directly proportional to how poorly other drivers can see.  If they can't see, they can't drive, ipso facto, you're a better driver and have a right to be angry.  Be careful with this method though, as it may be misconstrued as signifying there's a cop on the road, someone's tail light is out, or that you're an ineffectual twit who accidentally turns on lights when they're driving.

Another method to show annoyance with another driver is driving so close to their bumper that if they were to lightly tap on their breaks your car would immediately slow down, pull around to the side of their car, speed up and pass the front of their car, cut them off and suddenly stop.  Allowing you to get out and go with the most time tested and proven method of showing discontent with another driver.

Calling your friends and complaining about how terrible a driver EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD IS.  You're not the problem, it's all those 16/42/89/24 year old jackasses who couldn't tell the steering wheel from their own ass.((It was a bad liposuction experience.))  Just kidding!  I obviously meant winking at their wife and insinuating that they were less well endowed than another vehicle driver who had two thumbs and winks like a Tiger.((Wink wink.))

If for some reason after that you don't find yourself off on a beach vacation with your new wife who is very appreciative of how you accelerate quickly and swear a lot in a car, keep trying!  Dedication is key!

The Medical System

Have you ever heard what professional doctors have to say about other hospital staff?  If not I encourage you to believe that its((Grammar win!)) all positive and that there is a lot of solid feedback and good natured banter that improves conditions in workplaces like the hospital.  If, on the other hand, you have four fingers you know the truth.

A lot of people these days need things like hip replacement surgery performed((I hate it when there is no element of drama or theater in my surgery.))  and are running into a problem.  Just because the doctor can't "confirm with hard evidence*" that there is actually a problem the procedure would cure insurance companies won't pony up the dough for it.  So this leads us into a new age of medical ethical questions.

Can doctors, with a good baseball swing or an alright golf swing, break people's hips so that the damage is apparent enough to allow the hip replacement to commence?  Obviously the answer is yes, so long as by "doctor" you read "goddamn good for nothing ex who won't stop calling and stalking me on my way to work."    Though if the hip break is too severe for your patient-in-waiting there are of course alternatives, like seeing another doctor.((You know, maybe this one won't turn into that crazy ex.  Maybe this time they won't cheat on you.  Maybe this time it will be good.))

But a great way for hospitals to make more money is to encourage people with a bad diagnosis to seek a second, third, fourth, or even eleventh opinion.  After all, doctors are people too, so they're prone to screwing you around and making you wait in other lines when they're having a bad day.  Not only that, but hospital waiting and triage rooms are comfortable and fun to spend time in.

If in your travels you seem to be having some hip or back pain please keep it to yourself and suffer.  That way people with serious medical problems, like wanting to know if its alright that their child skinned their knee, can get the medical treatment and attention they deserve.

*Three X-Ray/Cat Scan MRI images that each individually and when taken together holistically indicate, without contradiction that the person in question does indeed not possess a hip.

A Really Bad Writer

WHat if I didn't edit any of my work?  See that "H?"  I accidentally held the shift key a microsecond((I'm not looking that length of time up.  I'm using it in its hyperbolic sense.  I have a high hyperbolic rate, even when resting.)) too long.  This isn't a stream of water, this is a stream of consciousness.

But if I don't read this again, out loud and edit it multiple times, will it affect the effect it creates for readers?  Dammit, I just hit backsparece.  How do people hand in work or REsumes with typos?  It's causing me physical pain to not correc t these errors.((Then again, that may be the kidney stone causing me physical pain.))  Simple typing errors.  You correct them without even thinking, I have to try my hardest to leaev them as are.

But tehn you can raed wrdos no mttear waht oderr teh ltetres are in.  So why are we so hung up on being correct?  Possibly because without that in a couple of years our society would fall into unintelligble meaningless blabber.  OR maybe because people realy like being anal.

But I tell yoiu that when I write it's highly processed.  Might not be good, but processed at the veyr least.  Except for this.  This is a n experiemtn.  ((That's actually a corectly spelled scientific term for experiment.))

Here's the question I pose to you: Are these true typing and spelling errors?  Or was this post deviously designed to seem poorly done with utmost care?  Well.  Can you tell?