If you haven't seen http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/07/investment-manager-embarrassing-email_n_1135279.html go ahead and read it. I found his first draft and have posted it below!
Hi all the girls I've ever dated,
I'm disappointed in you. I'm disappointed that you didn't respond to my voicemail messages(numbering 13 and one half. I hung up the first time because I did not want to sound desperate, so I am counting that as a half.) and my text messages(numbering 23 over the past 4 days.)
FYI, keep in mind that you're an ugly brutish wreck of a human being. If I said that in person it wouldn't come across as being offensive or insulting, this is an email. So just remember that what I'm saying, you twatariffic immature like a 12 year old girl who needs her mommy, isn't meant to be patronizing in any way. I watched you outside your house for hours last night. I saw you using your computer, and that's how I got your email.
I'm pretty sure you do want to see me again. Otherwise I wouldn't send this email asking you why you're ignoring me. Ignoring me is confusing, because when we were together at dinner you didn't ignore me. As most women ignore me, when one doesn't I'm pretty sure its because she wants to see me again. But now you are ignoring me and I need you to apologize to me.
Some things went on during dinner include, but are not limited to the following:((I'm leaving out how you didn't even offer to get the check. I thought you said you were a 21st century girl?))
-You played with your hair. Everyone knows when a girl plays with her hair she is being flirtatious. I followed up on that flirtation by sitting on my side of the table and talking about how I invest real money for my parents. Mother says that I have a real job. So does father. When I got home I did a google search, "girl played with her hair on first date, what does that mean?" I got a reliable answer from Yahoo answers, his sources were "banging lots of chicks after a first date." OzzyF*&^Gurlzz02 said that you were definitely into me if you were playing with your hair.
-We had lots of eye contact. My eye was, at one point, physically touching your eye. That's a lot. On a per-minute basis I have never stared at someone's eyes while they weren't saying anything nearly as much as I did during our date.
-You said, "It was nice to meet you." at the end of our date. A whore could say this as a way to say she was a stupid whore who is stupid, or she could mean what she said, that it was nice to meet you. I'm not sure which way you were going. Remember, emails sound a lot harsher than talking in person.
-I talked a lot about my parents and how much money I made during dinner. You nodded and played with your hair. I don't think I'm being delusional in saying this statement.
OH GOD WHY!?! WHY WON'T YOU DATE ME! I WANT YOU SO MUCH. I HAVEN'T GONE ON A DATE IN YEARS AND YOU PLAYED WITH YOUR HAIR GODDAMMIT. I SAW IT. I SAW YOU PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR. OZZYF*&^GURLZZ02 SAID THAT WAS A GOOD SIGN. WHY WOULD HE LIE TO ME?! JUST CALL ME AND APOLOGIZE SO WE CAN GO ON ANOTHER DATE AND HAVE EVEN MORE PER-MINUTE BASIS EYE CONTACT. MAYBE I'LL EVEN STOP DROOLING AT SOMEPOINT DURING OUR MEAL!
...Just. Listen, we should go out again. If you call me and apologize I think I'll be able to convince you to go out with me again. That's my subtle subtext here, but you're probably too much of an immature idiot blabber mouthed girl to understand that. I'm a fucking poet, thinker, doer, everything! Leonardo DaVinci doesn't have shit on me! I made my parents real money, NOT Monopoly Money! My number is 867-5309. Call me. Sorry if this sounds harsh, its just you can't see my body language in an email.((I'm fucking jumping up and down screaming and gnashing my teeth. That and crying, I switch between crying in a corner and gnashing my teeth in rage.))
Best.
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