Odd Job Mercenary

I have an announcement to make.  This may come as a shock to some of you.  But I'm going to be running for president.  Mr Obama has been having some knee troubles lately, and wanted me to stand in for his 5k.  It's good that he only wanted me to stand in, as I've also been having knee troubles, and wasn't sure if I was necessarily going run very well.  But standing in, I can stand in anywhere.

You may wonder why someone with knee troubles would agree to run a race for the President of his country.  The answer to that is: if you were called by the White House and asked to do something for the president, you'd have to be on hutzpah fueled crutch using kind of excuse maker. Which I am not!

This isn't to gloat, or make you feel inadequate about the favors you're asked to do on a daily basis.  This is just to let you know, if you're looking for a high caliber replacement for any event, ask me!

In the past I've also done:
-Clowns for children's birthday parties
-Wine server at a local theater event
-Romancing other men's wives((I usually am willing to do this work pro-bono, if you know what I mean.  But if you'd prefer, I could do it without you even requesting or finding out at all.  The latter is often preferred, and I'll, discreetly of course, send the bill for my work under the pen name of "Time Warner Cable."))

And that's just a list!  I can surely help out in a variety of other situations, but won't know what until you ask!  So please, call today.  If you get an answering machine when you call, congratulations you're the 100th caller! And if you're offer is one that I can't refuse, I won't!

Thank You For Your Continued Support

Dear faculty and staff of the university I attended.  This week ONLY if you send me $5 I'll go ahead and not send you the "as a center for higher education you really screwed me" card.  The quantity of those exemptions is limited, so first come first serve basis.  Any other week I'll still take your fiver, but you'll get absolutely no recognition from me.

Does $5 make a difference?  YES!

• I know as a private college you make a lot of money and constantly remain profitable.  So even just $5 you take from that to help me eat food while on the job hunt will help.  I realize usually you beg alumnus for money, because you have their email addresses and why not?  But this time, think of doing something that will help us.  After all we don't want to appear entirely ridiculously greedy and offensive, right?
• The more of you who give, in any amount, the more likely it is that I can continue to eat, and maybe one day pursue a career which is the only reason I went to you in the first place.  Minimum wage employment, while wholly satisfying, makes your degree less valuable per each alumni who has both.
• Donor giving helps to provide me with a better chance to actually have spare time in which to apply and develop my skills.  Your gift today will help me stay on trajectory to not having wasted thousands and thousands of dollars!

Please, show support in your broke alumni, and make your gift today!  

ps:  If you see it in your hearts, don't ask us for money, you have tuition and housing fees for that.  I know, I'd like it if random people I used to know just sent me money, but I generally don't have the hutzpah or brash sense of righteousness to beg!  By that, I mean they just never respond.

A Dirty Poem((Clean Version))

Some people I have shared this with are taken aback at what innuendos I paint for them.  I want you to remember this is merely a poem about animals.  It's title, Girl of your Dreams, is just a joke.  These are obviously animal traits, and not traits any girl would possess.  Why anyone would even assume that the girl of my dreams would actually have a tail is beyond me.

Without further ado:

Girl of your Dreams

Some people say you've got no mate

She's not real or existing much

Not destined, no sir, there's no fate

You won't even get a touch.

"She's a mythical creature" this you see

One part, her body, is a bird

The other part I do decree

Her head, however, still a bird

Throw off your silly confusion

They're different birds of course

The body of a raven fusion

With a chicken's head.((natural, unforced))

Similar to a giraffe, necking tons

She's also got horns and hooves you know?

And cares only for having some funs!

((horns that, after necking, blow!))

She has a tail, of which some I get

Some I just don't understand

Three somes for instance, I do fret

That must be from a foreign land!

And like a monkey-She's adept

Doing jobs with her feet

Your contentment will be kept

Even her hand jobs are hard to beat

Off in the woods, often as you may

You'll search and think, "Ummm."

Then you'll see her! Across a short way

You yell "By me you should come!"

Now everyone's happy as an oyster

With a new string of pearls all around

In this dream now you're her Mr!

You've won, it's all yours, you are crowned!

I'm not sure why anyone would suspect that this poem is anything more than a nonsense menagerie.  But, to each over analyzing weirdo his own.

Finances

With tax time coming up a lot of us our turning our piercing gaze to our financial situation.  There to see that we spend an average of $210 dollars a year on coffee.  That's the least of our ridiculous expenses.  Don't.  I mean don't. Inspect your receipt history from Amazon.  You throw those away/delete them?  Perfect.

Also if you can avoid it, ignore the numbers next to amount paid in your student loan/mortgage.((If you rent an apartment you're already good at pretending in regards to finances.  So just carry on.))  Also try to pretend like the amount left to pay won't take another nine/eternal years.  While you're on this pretending streak, when your W-2s come in, throw them out!  Immediately.  Seeing such a number while pretending that you're living at a comfortable level will ruin your fantasies.

I'm not saying tax time is a depressing dose of reality smacking its lips after dining on your emaciated corpse kind of time.  But that's because I have panache and tact, and a want of saving you from such imagery.  ((It's also burping and asking the waiter for seconds and has plenty of room for dessert.  Reality is not particularly friendly to this waiter either!  Very demanding!))  Just remember life won't always be like this.  One day you'll be rolling in so much money that you won't know what to do with it all.  Probably you'll have started stuffing some of it in a bag by the time the cops show up.  At least that's what my astrological sign points to.

Lonely Nights

Here's a joke to open with: what's the difference between a drunk and your dead grandfather?  I feel bad when I punch a drunk.  

Instead of a funeral I imagine a scenario where the deceased's remaining relatives can have a sort of celebrity death match the corpse.  The priest will want a good clean fight, so get it on!  Just an activity to get out residual anger from being left alone in a cold world without the light and guidance from the dead friend or family member.

Morticians will also have  a great deal more exciting job.  They will follow your will and plant grenades, or spike traps to pop out of your body at just the right time.  They'll also be in charge of taking any bets and running the funeral craps games that are bound to break out.

This isn't to disrespect the dead, rather exalt them as a force of nature.  They will teach the young to truly never give in.  No matter the torture methods, the foot crushing or finger breaking, the dead will not do anything you beg of them.  Maybe a voice recorder will say things like, "Oh I sure will pay that gambling debt Pete.  Hahahahha.  No Mabel, I never had an affair, wink wink nudge nudge.  Life insurance is boring, Corvettes are exciting!" when punched just right.  

Extreme funerals are coming to a town near you, whether you like it or not.  So if you've got any choice words for a dying relative, bottle them up and wait for ceremony.

Here's a joke to close with: I drank what?((Socrates' favorite!)) 

Horror Story

I'm about to share with you a story and I want you to be prepared.  For ghastly things will occur.  Things barely imaginable.  At one point, a man and myself exchange words that are not particularly friendly.  Not even in a backhanded compliment sort of way.

I recently went on a cruise with the girl of my dreams.  Some people say that "the girl of your dreams" is a mythical creature.  They're right, the one from my dreams has the body of a bird and the head of a chicken.  I spent every night with her.  Her name is Estelle, I think because she's a stellar girl.  But that's not the horrific part.

During one of our shore leaves we were inspecting a towering oak tree.  Quite large.  I didn't even really need my magnifying glass.  I kept it handy though, just in case.  At this point, and I use the term loosely, a gentleman approached.  He was speaking with some low life and I overheard, "...like a cock sucking incubus from hell."  Not being one to let things go I continued to hold onto my magnifying glass.  While holding on I retorted, "Your mother is like a cock sucking incubus from hell, and the rooster denizens of the underworld really appreciate her!"

That's not even everything that went wrong.  Later, on that same trip, I ran into the same man.  We exchanged angry glances and Pokemon cards.  Afterwards I realized he ripped me off, with only two holigraphic Blastoises for one non-holigraphic Charizard.  Infuriated I called and complained to the life guards, the coast guards, even the right guard extreme.  Not one of them did anything to comfort me or protect me from this obviously hostile man.

I spent the rest of my trip complaining and writing bad reviews of the cruise line all over the place.  Most notably the bathroom wall.  "If you're NOT looking for a good time, call this cruise ship."  When I got home I got a letter from the company that asked me never to travel with their company again.  As if!  I can't believe that after all that they treated me so poorly.  You can expect I won't be traveling with them again, they're the absolute worst.  One day there wasn't even ketchup for our hamburgers.  Not even that my magnifying glass could find.  Luckily I don't drop things, ever.

After Life

One Peter McGabriel died under Unusual Circumstances.((I have done no research into how other Peter McGabriels may have ended their existence.))  Unusual Circumstances was a bar that had opened in early 1968 offering a, "Kick in the keister for any kicked out meester."  UC also offered a warm cozy place to hang out and be yourself.  If you were a murderer.  Peter McGabriel died in the usual way a police officer would die in such an establishment.   He was crushed to death by a box of oranges he was helping to move out of the basement.  It turns out gravity was a much bigger help for the movement of the box, and McGabriel was not particularly suited at the time for dodging out of the way.  Peter McGabriel was not a police officer, but Lt. Officer Hank Medinite was.  He was standing next to McGabriel when the accident occured.

Some people say, "How are you Jane?" to their wife, Jane.  Those people may say, "How are you Jane?" to someone who is not their wife, if her name was Jane.  Those same people, could potentially, utter that same phrase to someone who didn't even know of a Jane.  I just warn you of that before I let you know this next bit.

Some people say Peter's ghost still haunts Unusual Circumstances to this day.  ((Note, is being written on 01/13/12, no person has made a claim about a future day.))  They say every night at 9:04pm they can hear his last words echoing through the building.  "Hey, what's this on the ground?"  They then tell Jim, an old friend of Peter, to stop being such a douchenozzle and yelling that through the hallways.  Jim states that he doesn't do it on purpose and Peter is possessing him, to warn everyone of impending doom.

It turns out Jim was correct.  A large drum of oil had spilled out over the floor, and when it caught fire everyone burned to death under Unusual Circumstances.  Still no one knows if Jim was possessed or just coincidentally correct.  Peter McGabriel will be missed.  If anyone tries to shoot him that is.  No one really liked Peter as he was the only bigger twit in town than Jim.  There will be zero grieving done at his funeral, being held at the nearby cemetery, Can Sir Bring 'Em In.

Pennsylvania

There are some states in the country that should have their right to name their own cities revoked.  I'm not saying the state with a city called, "North East" in the North West corner of the state is one of them.  Not at all.  Because they followed that name up with places like, Virginville, ((Motto: We don't rape you, but creepy murders are not out of the question.)) Blue Ball, ((Motto: At least it's not Virginville.)) Reamstown, ((Motto: Enter through the back, there's a wash when you're done.)) Bird in Hand, ((Motto: Funnier when said Bird in Bush.)) and Intercourse. ((Motto: (I'm not making this up.) Lancaster County is about families doing things together!))

When navigating the seedy back alleys of Intercourse, remember it's generally a nice place.  You've just got to watch out for roaming horse drawn carriages.  Horses are really great artists, and most of the carriages and portraits they draw are on sale locally.

The real appeal of the Amish country isn't just the silly names and picture taking opportunities.  It's all about the... okay, you're right.  It's just the names.  When Amish people go on their Rumspringa if they don't come back with a humorous city name idea, they are shunned.  For those of you that don't know what Rumspringa is, it's when Amish people turn 16-21 and decide if they want to be baptized or leave.  They spend a lot of time using computers and wearing skater clothes, and decide if they like that better than the life they knew.  Many are encouraged to listen to pop music and watch "Dance Moms" on television, so they understand that people outside of Amish country have no taste, and probably can't form words more complex than, "smush."

Thankfully they're wroong abut tht!  Those showz r eductionbal n fun!  Cheeze bed timez.

To Health

There are a number of activities you can perform to seem younger, become more attractive and have that healthful body you've always dreamed of.  The obvious way to improve your looks is to buy a mirror and practice them.  The "Just woke up and am feeling sick enough to not go to work, but to maybe later, after resting a bit perhaps pop over to that rock concert in the city, but certainly not to go to your brother's engagement party" look is a good one to practice.  If you can convey all of that information with a look, you'll have no problem conveying that information with a look. 

If the mirror isn't your style,((Read: if you're ugly ha-ha-ha)) you could always try doing yoga.  ((Then you could feel even worse about how ugly you are ha-ha-ha))  Yoga is a noncompetitive personal exercise that people do in very hot rooms surrounded by mirrors.((To make ugly people feel bad, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha))  If you practice regularly you'll be more flexible, attractive and calm.  There have been a number of studies done ((By studies I mean parties where young people drink alcohol and neck, but never get out of shape.   But ugly people like you don't get invited ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)) proving that yoga has a number of benefits that are hard to quantify, but definitely exist.

Otherwise you can always watch marathons of The Twilight Zone.  It won't make you more attractive or healthier, but it will give you a righteous hatred of all little boys who can send people to corn fields.  That quality is nearly as important to develop as any other quality according to the Briggs-Standard personality test.*  To take the test, look at yourself in a mirror.  You'll know how you did.

*For ugly people, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha**-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

**Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Fashion Sense

Whenever someone sees my immaculately dressed self on the street, they are immediately stuck by two things; the first is my fist, as I hate being seen on the street, the second is how compared to my vibrant style, prostitutes look limp and dead hanging out of trunks in an alleyway.

However, if they look past my pants and shirt they'll see me naked.  Though that may not be apparent at first, as I've got a built in sweater.  Which protects me from interacting with attractive women on beaches and at water parks.  Though, from a distance those same women see me and comment on "How nice his personality must be" and how I must be able, "To hold good conversation with a warm laugh."  My laugh is in fact a soothing, "uh-hee-a-hah."  Which sounds absolutely nothing like a noise a surprised donkey would emit.  ((And I know a thing or two about surprising donkeys.  I show them what it's like to be, "hanged like a horse." If you know what I mean.))

But back to my pants and shirt.  Often times my pants have cleverly placed holes in the crotchular area, for style.  My shirts are particularly suited to inspire a certain sense of high school angst combined with notes of nerdery.  I know not everyone can pull off an Amazing Spider Man shirt at my age, because quadriplegia is a very serious condition.

Though it's not as if I'm completely without a target audience as far as my dress goes.  I'm not aiming to brag here, but I've been invited out to, "Just lunch" by a number of men 20 years my senior.  I hope with a concentration on improving my style I'll get that bumped up to invitations for, "Just dinner" followed by, "Just a lifetime of commitment and intercourse with someone I've only just met, who is not my sexual orientation nor particularly attractive."

Treating Objects Like Women

I'll find myself hanging around a chair I like at work.  You know, a really down to earth chair.  It's not all about partying or calling me at one in the morning.  It's just not like other chairs.

Not to mention it's got a great fashion sense.  This chair stole its outfit from the 50s, but pulls off the out of place look ya'know.  It's got a couple of great blankets thrown over it that keep it warm in the winter.  It's just one of those chairs I could see myself watching a movie with, or we could even just hang out and read books.

So I'm walking up to this chair at work and I've got a plan.  I'm going to ask this chair if it will be mine.  But, I'm going to tell it I was just passing through the store when I saw it there.  Then I thought I'd come over and say hello.  After that, hanging out will just be a natural extension of our conversation.  Instead.   About halfway to the chair, the chair sees me and I dive head first into an adjoining aisle, out of the chairs view.  Then I think the chair knows, knows I'm an idiot so I should just leave.  By the time one of my feet is out the door I decide, no!  It's now or never and I've got to let this chair know I want it.  I turn back in and march right over to the chair, determined to see it.  I inquire if the chair wants to see a movie Friday night.  The chair laughingly explains to me that it was already going to someone else's house, and that someone is very well endowed and a much better looker than me.

At this point I leave the store, drive home, and think about how I'll just never find a chair that's right for me.  Even then I won't go into the furniture store and try to buy a chair a drink, because then I don't feel like I know the chair.  Anyways I'd much rather go home and sleep with my bed, even though it lets absolutely anyone sleep with it.

13 Biggest Trends in 2012

2011 was a year for a lot of reflection and introspection about how people have seriously messed the world up, gone into more debt than is physically possible to go into and never wrote their grandmother though they promised they would.  With that in mind((If you'd just read my blog grandma, it would save us both time and guilty feelings.  For when we really needed them.  Like when our girlfriend wants to go out with her friends and have a girls night, but I've spent all day slaving over Kraft Easy Mac.  I need those guilty feelings and can't go on giving them to you.)) let's take a look at the 13 biggest trends for the coming year.

1 - Living like it's going to go out of style on December 21st 2012.  The day the Mayans predicted their calendar would end.
2 - Americans will realize that oddly numbered lists are just a gimmick, and don't inherently mean the content within is more interesting.((Denizens of other countries will still be wow'd by those lists.  I mean, how could there only be 7 weird, funny, screwed up, secret, newfangled ways to get girls' phone numbers?))
3 - Spending more money than you have, followed by a want for more money.
4 - Realizing that if you follow your current path you'll be the old person that never made it into show business and out of bitter anger instructs children to be "responsable" and become honorable hedge-fund managers.
5 - Quitting your part time job to follow your dreams.  Possibly being laid off and deciding you might as well follow your dreams, since you won't find another job...
6 - ...Unless you're a manager/full time employee.  Then you'll fire all your part time employees so that they can follow their dreams.  Even the weird creepy one, whose dream is to do unsavory things with photographs of any person they've seen twice.
7 - Realizing you've never had a dream.
8 - Drinking heavily.
9 - The fight for legalization of things that look a lot like marijuana.
10 - Giving up on your original goal when you were close to finishing, but just don't care anymore.

While people have become aware in the last decades that the world is in serious trouble, this fact has just depressed them out of acting.  Which is why movies like Jack and Jill get made.((Re-read the last two sentences if you didn't laugh, until you realize it's funny, then continue.  Pun intended and I'll be damned if you breeze over it without a guffaw or hoop-la.))  This is a call to everyone who had a dream.  Realize that 2012 is the year to fail at your dreams and go back to part time work and be bitter forever.  But please don't skip the failing your dreams part.  Don't just assume that because you've got no skills and zero likability to boot you won't make it.  Actually go out there and screw up.  It's only fair to come by your bitterness honestly.

                                                  Love, Kevin

ps: Grandma I got those cookies you sent me.  And that post card of those Hawaiian girls, and while I'm sure they are very friendly they were probably just paid to pose in that picture.  They probably don't really wish I was there with them, but thanks for the thought.  I'll write more in 2012, promise.