Horror Story

I'm about to share with you a story and I want you to be prepared.  For ghastly things will occur.  Things barely imaginable.  At one point, a man and myself exchange words that are not particularly friendly.  Not even in a backhanded compliment sort of way.

I recently went on a cruise with the girl of my dreams.  Some people say that "the girl of your dreams" is a mythical creature.  They're right, the one from my dreams has the body of a bird and the head of a chicken.  I spent every night with her.  Her name is Estelle, I think because she's a stellar girl.  But that's not the horrific part.

During one of our shore leaves we were inspecting a towering oak tree.  Quite large.  I didn't even really need my magnifying glass.  I kept it handy though, just in case.  At this point, and I use the term loosely, a gentleman approached.  He was speaking with some low life and I overheard, "...like a cock sucking incubus from hell."  Not being one to let things go I continued to hold onto my magnifying glass.  While holding on I retorted, "Your mother is like a cock sucking incubus from hell, and the rooster denizens of the underworld really appreciate her!"

That's not even everything that went wrong.  Later, on that same trip, I ran into the same man.  We exchanged angry glances and Pokemon cards.  Afterwards I realized he ripped me off, with only two holigraphic Blastoises for one non-holigraphic Charizard.  Infuriated I called and complained to the life guards, the coast guards, even the right guard extreme.  Not one of them did anything to comfort me or protect me from this obviously hostile man.

I spent the rest of my trip complaining and writing bad reviews of the cruise line all over the place.  Most notably the bathroom wall.  "If you're NOT looking for a good time, call this cruise ship."  When I got home I got a letter from the company that asked me never to travel with their company again.  As if!  I can't believe that after all that they treated me so poorly.  You can expect I won't be traveling with them again, they're the absolute worst.  One day there wasn't even ketchup for our hamburgers.  Not even that my magnifying glass could find.  Luckily I don't drop things, ever.