Drugs

Recently I've been having a lot of caffeine.  Right now I'm having none.  My body, to point that out to me, made me get real tired and have a headache.  I know what you're thinking, "Ineffectual and stupid, why would your body think that was a good way to communicate what it needs?  That's just dumb." It works, I bought a latte because I was wanting a nap at work, which is not ideal.  ((Unless you work at the napping factory.  In which case there is probably not a place to buy lattes.)) Without realizing it people take a lot of cues on how to communicate from their body.  Cues from the same bodies that get erections during math class in middle school.  ((Or if you're a girl, make you laugh at boys' erections in middle school.  Or if you're a transvestite, laugh and do meth in middle school.))  Which is ideal, without those erections you'd never learn how to walk like Groucho Marx, or laugh at Groucho Marx, or do meth.

Since my body knows what's up, I am going to extrapolate this biological communication out to help me with some current problems.

I want a better job.  

To make this clear to the everyone I'm going to get really irritated all the time at my current job and sleep poorly at night.  That way, in the long run I'll get bitter and angry, until it worsens to me getting fired.  After that I'll pick up drinking, because poisoning myself until I want to vomit will seems like a good "biological" way to show everyone I'm working on fixing my flaws.  After that I'll dress up as a clown, put on pink eye shadow and punch police officers in the junk.  That will show everyone that I've found that better job.  Extreme Full Contact Clowning Around.

EFCCA'ers will be a group of rich people that fight with your average minimum wage employee.  They'll go to comedy clubs and not tell any jokes.  They'll go to the Playboy Mansion and read articles.  They're the counter-anti-revolutionaries the world's been looking for.  

I know the world's been looking for them because it's 41 degrees out in Upstate NY in the middle of winter.

Holiday Cheer

"Is it hard when you wake up?  Is it hard when you're giving gifts?  Is it hard when loved ones come from out of town?  Is it hard just getting through the day?"  I heard that on television and really wasn't sure if it was an ad for depression, or inquiring about an erection lasting longer than four hours.

That's because the holidays are far too sexual for anyone's good.  Think about all the religious/holiday songs you hear that have sexy undertones.  "Santa Claus is coming...,"  "Oh come all ye faithful...," "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord..." I could go on.((Not really.  Tired me out.))  Even the return of Jesus is referred to as "The Second Coming of the Lord" instead of... the return of Jesus.  Probably because the church doesn't want to get into a copyright battle with Universal for some up and coming action movie.((Up and coming?  That phrase isn't an accident people.))

Even buying presents for people I've heard ereaders, silly reading devices, called "the perfect size at the perfect price."  Which leads me to believe if you're looking to start hooking $100 is a good price point for perfectly sized gentlemen.

Oh come on people, it's not that dirty!

My Job

My job is interesting.  It's part time salesman, part time tech support and 100% minimum wage employment.  I get to enjoy the benefits of a lot of jobs all at once.

Job 1 - Salesman.
For this part of my job I do a lot that is generally against my nature ie, trying to convince people that there is some benefit to buying something in store versus online. ((I wrote about that before! Against Internet Shopping)) The most notable benefit is that they get to talk to me.  If they're lucky maybe they'll buy me some coffee, or expensive jewelry, or they can also sacrifice virgins to try and gain my favor.  Don't worry, those are just some of the more tame offers I've accepted.  This part of my job also sees me doing ANYTHING to get customers out the door with my store's product.  That anything is usually reminding them they always have free in store support for what they buy from us.  I think it's because I was dropped on my head as a child I remind them of that, because otherwise I would remember that I am that tech support.

Job 2 - Tech support.
This part of my job is like what happens when I'm "a fool and forget to wrap my tool."  I catch myself saying things like, "No, of course we'll be able to explain how to use this device, no problem!" to a person who has just said they'll be getting it for their technologically impaired temperamental 80 year old golden retriever.  Don't get confused though, this isn't a real tech support job, where I can help customers with account issues or replace broken devices.  ((I have to call tech support for that.))  I just mostly reboot angry people's devices.  If you're a part of my generation you will absolutely not be impressed with how many people think their device is broken until I restart it.  I'd say probably at least two people a day.

Finally my job is in fact all minimum wage.  That means I get to work 30-40 hours a week, without ever actually getting to 40 hours on the dot, as that would mean I'd need benefits.  My 39.858823 hours a week gets me a meal 4/5 days of the week and the ability to stay at any number of local family member's houses.  It helps if they have a basement and don't really notice I'm there for 3-5 days at a go.  Less awkward that way. So quit complaining and loafing around, go out there and quit your minimum wage job today!

21st Birthdays

I know, you've just turned 21 and are wondering: How should I celebrate?  The most obvious answer is to call up some of your closest and not so close friends, grab a 1,000 piece puzzle and get down to business! Oh wait, that's how you celebrate New Years Eve, my mistake.

But many people on their 21st birthday go out and do what they've been doing for years, they're just not afraid of being arrested for it.  Killing hobos.  See, after you drink enough alcohol you're not worried about the police, bouncers, your friends, or anything at all.  Peeing your pants may even seem like a funny alternative to peeing in the corner when no one is looking.((If you're a guy.  If you're a girl you'll probably want to try it when people are looking, just to see how awkward it gets.  Maintain eye contact the entire time!))

Also, many people will tell you not to drink anything on your 21st that you wouldn't normally drink.  Those people are all undercover cops trying to trick you.  Obviously if you're under 21 you haven't had even a sip of wine on New Years Eve.  Ever.  Because everyone waits until they're 21 to have their first drink.  Really the draw of being 21 is in being able to go to bars.  That way you can experience old guys creeping on young girls.((It is really beneficial.  That way if you're a good eavesdropper you can creep on the same cute girls, sans creepiness!))

If tonight is your 21st I'll have a drink for you.  Probably if your birthday is within the next 14 days I'll have a drink for you tonight.  Also, if you look away from the bar for any length of time I'll have your drink for you.

Cooking Now

I like the exercise term, "stay in shape."  As that's different than getting in shape.  I eat a large amount of cookies to stay in shape, I exercise to make myself feel better about eating cookies.  Mostly chocolate chips.  Not oatmeal cookies, I feel great about those all the time.  Even when they break up with me and don't talk to me anymore.

I'm not bitter about when the cookie broke up with me.  The relationship was crumbly to begin with.  Besides, I can just find another cookie somewhere else.  There are a lot of bakeries around town if you know what I mean.  

Thinking about getting a sugar cookie.  That way I can sit around all day and ... eat a sugar cookie.  Hopefully it will be Dr. Sugar Cookie and wants to put me up in a nice house.  But we won't get a dog, because the dog might eat Dr. Sugar Cookie and I'd have a difficult time explaining to the IRS and police that a simple snack was supporting me and this mansion. 

No dogs in Cookie Mansion.

Crazy People

I like bluetooth headsets and playing videogames on my computer for the same reason.  I'm crazy, but if I communicate in any other way people won't realize it!  But when I get my bluetooth or game on, people become cognizant that I apparently have witty banter with myself.

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of other uses for bluetooth headsets besides just looking crazy.  It makes other people who try to interact with you seem awkward and dumb just because they didn't realize you had one on. 

Bluetooth guy: "Hey."

--Outsider--: "Oh, hi!"

Bluetooth guy: With incredulous/dumbfounded look on his face, "Oh no I wasn't talking to you, I am talking to you, no not you, yes I'm still on the phone with you."

--Outsider--: "Uh.  Is there anything I can help you with?"

Bluetooth guy: "Yes, actually I was looking for a something, do you know where something is?  No, why would I ask you where a something is, do you even know where I am?"

--Outsider--: "It is uh, it is over that way."

See, in the above conversation, absolutely everyone felt like an idiot!  Except for, of course, the person who was the root of the problem, bluetooth guy.  The gamer conversation would be pretty similar, but there would be more references to someone being 12 years old and sleeping with everyone's mother.  From my understanding the mothers really seem to enjoy all their time fornicating with twelve year olds.

I'm going to start walking around with a cellphone to my head/bluetooth on, but pointedly yelling at people I see in person.  "Yeah you there with the green shirt, you're dumbfoundingly ugly.  Really gross."  I'll just throw in a couple of disgusted looks and a "No, not you." every now and again.  That way everyone will be sure I am completely bonkers.

Relationships

You know that point in a relationship, where you look at someone, see their frustration, walk over, touch their shoulder, and express to them that, "You can say anything to me, I love you."

Unless you want to hear, "Quack quack neigh moo" stay away from that point.  Tell me that I can tell you anything, and you're going to be hearing a lot more about how Becca from third grade had a super big crush on Jimmy even though he got pantsed in gym class the year before.  A lot more.  Like how she stole some of  hair from the boys locker room the same day he got pantsed.  At least, everyone was pretty sure it was his.

The flip side of that point in a relationship is the, "Don't ever say anything to me again you cheating-on-me-with-my-sibling-while-I-was-helping-starving-kids-in-Africa" point.  This is a point you really want to strive for, because a lot of people have pretty attractive siblings.  Genes and all that point to other family members being attractive in similar ways to the person you originally dated.  That and there are a lot of really bad movie plots that can be weaved around that scenario, so you can probably write a screenplay no problem.

Then there's the classic "honeymoon" point in relationships.  That's of course, right after you get married and don't want to talk to the other person because of how awfully annoying they are in airport lines.  No one told you that waiting in an airport, no matter how great Maui will be, is still going to suck.  And that your new spouse snores and drools while in airports.  And that they get really mad when they wake up and find out you're on a plane to St. Paul/Minneapolis so as to make it look like you weren't really together.  Its a touchy time in relationships.  That's why its always a good idea to feign an interest in reading any of Homer's epic poems.  Other people will think you're intelligent and as they've never actually read the Odyssey and have nothing to talk about, leave you alone.

Unacceptable Blogging Topics

-How flies procreate
-How flies amateurly create
-Really anything to do with flies' sex life
-Unless I meant a fly sex life, write about that all day
-But I didn't, so it stays on the list
-Aneurysms, unless they're particularly funny
-Stand up comedians, unless they're particularly funny

Even if you're a great writer there is no way you could interest me in how the male mounts the female from behind.  I've seen videos.  Namely Citizen Kane, and I assure you sex is not a topic I think about afterwards.  Even if the term "rosebud" brought up slightly illicit images in my head.  It doesn't.

You'll notice right away a few of the things left off of the list:
-Why doing laundry at 8:00am is best
-How to properly eat a pizza
-The health benefits of salmonella

That's because even an awful writer could make that interesting.  Picture this, wake up at 7:00am and have a nice breakfast.  Follow that up with a quick jog around the block.  Then you're ready to do laundry.  Or how when you get salmonella 72% of the weight lost is pure food you just ate.  Lipozene be damned.  Salmonella is much more natural, and the side effects are less dangerous.  That and you can get it without changing any of your eating habits.

Also, you can probably write about those topics if you don't want to change your writing habits.((Wearing the same clothes nuns do while I write just makes me feel more righteous, and I never wash them.))

First Draft

If you haven't seen http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/07/investment-manager-embarrassing-email_n_1135279.html go ahead and read it.  I found his first draft and have posted it below!

Hi all the girls I've ever dated,

I'm disappointed in you.  I'm disappointed that you didn't respond to my voicemail messages(numbering 13 and one half.  I hung up the first time because I did not want to sound desperate, so I am counting that as a half.) and my text messages(numbering 23 over the past 4 days.)

FYI, keep in mind that you're an ugly brutish wreck of a human being.  If I said that in person it wouldn't come across as being offensive or insulting, this is an email.  So just remember that what I'm saying, you twatariffic immature like a 12 year old girl who needs her mommy, isn't meant to be patronizing in any way.  I watched you outside your house for hours last night.  I saw you using your computer, and that's how I got your email.

I'm pretty sure you do want to see me again.  Otherwise I wouldn't send this email asking you why you're ignoring me.  Ignoring me is confusing, because when we were together at dinner you didn't ignore me.  As most women ignore me, when one doesn't I'm pretty sure its because she wants to see me again.  But now you are ignoring me and I need you to apologize to me.

Some things went on during dinner include, but are not limited to the following:((I'm leaving out how you didn't even offer to get the check.  I thought you said you were a 21st century girl?))

-You played with your hair.  Everyone knows when a girl plays with her hair she is being flirtatious.  I followed up on that flirtation by sitting on my side of the table and talking about how I invest real money for my parents.  Mother says that I have a real job.  So does father.  When I got home I did a google search, "girl played with her hair on first date, what does that mean?"  I got a reliable answer from Yahoo answers, his sources were "banging lots of chicks after a first date."  OzzyF*&^Gurlzz02 said that you were definitely into me if you were playing with your hair.

-We had lots of eye contact.  My eye was, at one point, physically touching your eye.  That's a lot.  On a per-minute basis I have never stared at someone's eyes while they weren't saying anything nearly as much as I did during our date.

-You said, "It was nice to meet you." at the end of our date.  A whore could say this as a way to say she was a stupid whore who is stupid, or she could mean what she said, that it was nice to meet you.  I'm not sure which way you were going.  Remember, emails sound a lot harsher than talking in person.

-I talked a lot about my parents and how much money I made during dinner.  You nodded and played with your hair.  I don't think I'm being delusional in saying this statement.

OH GOD WHY!?!  WHY WON'T YOU DATE ME!  I WANT YOU SO MUCH.  I HAVEN'T GONE ON A DATE IN YEARS AND YOU PLAYED WITH YOUR HAIR GODDAMMIT.  I SAW IT.  I SAW YOU PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR.  OZZYF*&^GURLZZ02 SAID THAT WAS A GOOD SIGN.  WHY WOULD HE LIE TO ME?!  JUST CALL ME AND APOLOGIZE SO WE CAN GO ON ANOTHER DATE AND HAVE EVEN MORE PER-MINUTE BASIS EYE CONTACT.  MAYBE I'LL EVEN STOP DROOLING AT SOMEPOINT DURING OUR MEAL!

...Just.  Listen, we should go out again.  If you call me and apologize I think I'll be able to convince you to go out with me again.  That's my subtle subtext here, but you're probably too much of an immature idiot blabber mouthed girl to understand that.  I'm a fucking poet, thinker, doer, everything!  Leonardo DaVinci doesn't have shit on me!  I made my parents real money, NOT Monopoly Money!  My number is 867-5309.  Call me.  Sorry if this sounds harsh, its just you can't see my body language in an email.((I'm fucking jumping up and down screaming and gnashing my teeth.  That and crying, I switch between crying in a corner and gnashing my teeth in rage.))

Best.

Things I Pay Money For

This seems like its going to open with, "hookers," I know.  Followed closely by; food, razors and student loans.  Which one of those items is not like the other?  Razors, because they are about 1000% too expensive.  Its not that I grow facial hair just so I don't have to buy razors, I also just like looking like the type of person who commits crimes of passion in the 70s.

Food is a good thing to spend money on, but no matter what you're spending too much.  If you go out to eat?  Too much money for what you're getting.  If you cook at home?  Too much because you're eating more than cheap healthy rice and vegetables.  If you just eat cheap healthy rice and vegetables?  This is an honest place, so we won't go there.  Luckily with the holidays being near a lot of people are willing to give you cookies because delicious chocolate chip misery loves company.  So maybe you save money on food during the holidays, as other people are so giving.  That extra money gets saved up in the form of paying gym memberships and buying treadmills so you'll feel guilty when spending time in your basement.

Then comes the big money suck, student loans.  It was nice of the government to give you that money for your overpriced education, and they only charge you 6% interest!  The best repayment plan involves taking half of your money for 10 years.  Then you pay taxes.  Then you buy razors.  Then you tell the loan shark that you'll have the money in a few weeks if they'll just hold off on breaking your knees.  Then you buy food.  Then you change your name to Wesley and move to Mexico hoping that razors are cheaper there.

Well Wesley, razors are never cheap.  There is no such thing as a free shave.  You're still paying for the haircut.

Vehicular Communication

Has anyone else noticed how touchy other drivers can be?  You're not allowed to go slow.  That's annoying to everyone behind you.  But you're also not allowed to pass anyone who is going slow, unless you're a real douche nozzle.  Overall its safe to say anything you do on the road makes everyone else angry.  That being said, there are a lot of interesting ways to express your dissatisfaction with another driver on the road.

You can always turn your high beams on and off.  That's because how bright your lights are is directly proportional to how poorly other drivers can see.  If they can't see, they can't drive, ipso facto, you're a better driver and have a right to be angry.  Be careful with this method though, as it may be misconstrued as signifying there's a cop on the road, someone's tail light is out, or that you're an ineffectual twit who accidentally turns on lights when they're driving.

Another method to show annoyance with another driver is driving so close to their bumper that if they were to lightly tap on their breaks your car would immediately slow down, pull around to the side of their car, speed up and pass the front of their car, cut them off and suddenly stop.  Allowing you to get out and go with the most time tested and proven method of showing discontent with another driver.

Calling your friends and complaining about how terrible a driver EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD IS.  You're not the problem, it's all those 16/42/89/24 year old jackasses who couldn't tell the steering wheel from their own ass.((It was a bad liposuction experience.))  Just kidding!  I obviously meant winking at their wife and insinuating that they were less well endowed than another vehicle driver who had two thumbs and winks like a Tiger.((Wink wink.))

If for some reason after that you don't find yourself off on a beach vacation with your new wife who is very appreciative of how you accelerate quickly and swear a lot in a car, keep trying!  Dedication is key!

The Medical System

Have you ever heard what professional doctors have to say about other hospital staff?  If not I encourage you to believe that its((Grammar win!)) all positive and that there is a lot of solid feedback and good natured banter that improves conditions in workplaces like the hospital.  If, on the other hand, you have four fingers you know the truth.

A lot of people these days need things like hip replacement surgery performed((I hate it when there is no element of drama or theater in my surgery.))  and are running into a problem.  Just because the doctor can't "confirm with hard evidence*" that there is actually a problem the procedure would cure insurance companies won't pony up the dough for it.  So this leads us into a new age of medical ethical questions.

Can doctors, with a good baseball swing or an alright golf swing, break people's hips so that the damage is apparent enough to allow the hip replacement to commence?  Obviously the answer is yes, so long as by "doctor" you read "goddamn good for nothing ex who won't stop calling and stalking me on my way to work."    Though if the hip break is too severe for your patient-in-waiting there are of course alternatives, like seeing another doctor.((You know, maybe this one won't turn into that crazy ex.  Maybe this time they won't cheat on you.  Maybe this time it will be good.))

But a great way for hospitals to make more money is to encourage people with a bad diagnosis to seek a second, third, fourth, or even eleventh opinion.  After all, doctors are people too, so they're prone to screwing you around and making you wait in other lines when they're having a bad day.  Not only that, but hospital waiting and triage rooms are comfortable and fun to spend time in.

If in your travels you seem to be having some hip or back pain please keep it to yourself and suffer.  That way people with serious medical problems, like wanting to know if its alright that their child skinned their knee, can get the medical treatment and attention they deserve.

*Three X-Ray/Cat Scan MRI images that each individually and when taken together holistically indicate, without contradiction that the person in question does indeed not possess a hip.

A Really Bad Writer

WHat if I didn't edit any of my work?  See that "H?"  I accidentally held the shift key a microsecond((I'm not looking that length of time up.  I'm using it in its hyperbolic sense.  I have a high hyperbolic rate, even when resting.)) too long.  This isn't a stream of water, this is a stream of consciousness.

But if I don't read this again, out loud and edit it multiple times, will it affect the effect it creates for readers?  Dammit, I just hit backsparece.  How do people hand in work or REsumes with typos?  It's causing me physical pain to not correc t these errors.((Then again, that may be the kidney stone causing me physical pain.))  Simple typing errors.  You correct them without even thinking, I have to try my hardest to leaev them as are.

But tehn you can raed wrdos no mttear waht oderr teh ltetres are in.  So why are we so hung up on being correct?  Possibly because without that in a couple of years our society would fall into unintelligble meaningless blabber.  OR maybe because people realy like being anal.

But I tell yoiu that when I write it's highly processed.  Might not be good, but processed at the veyr least.  Except for this.  This is a n experiemtn.  ((That's actually a corectly spelled scientific term for experiment.))

Here's the question I pose to you: Are these true typing and spelling errors?  Or was this post deviously designed to seem poorly done with utmost care?  Well.  Can you tell?

Upbeat

My job here is to be upbeat.  Amused.  Amusing.  What about when things go wrong?  I hate it when things go wrong.  I know that's because I'm different.  Everyone else punches their grandmother out of pure exuberance when something goes wrong.  When things seem bad.  Grandma never did care for the good times.  But when dinner was bad and the cat died.  Then she was at peace, no imminent jabs or hooks for her.  No little billy doing his best Mike Tyson impression.  It was a damned good impression. Sadly, my grandmothers are dead.  So that leaves me devoid of a joy punching target.  ((How many dead grandmas does it take to change a light bulb?  None, they'll just lie in the dark.))((Tasteless joke.  Sorry.  Cannibals agree))((It's hard to stop once you start.  Ask grandm... oh. Nevermind.))

Upbeat!  Luckily I have a plan for when things go wrong.  Something that I can always fall back on:  Crying in a corner.  That doesn't help me get a lot done per se, but heck.  Someone's gotta do it.  I just want everyone to know; for your crying in a corner or shower or basement or hotel room or amusement park or car or at a party or at a funereal or on vacation or at the beach needs, I've got you covered.((Note: That list is in fact exhaustive.  You try crying in all those places and still have energy to go around.))

Not only that, but at any point I have a backlog of work prepared at least 45 minutes before that work is set to go out.  Does anyone else have the ability to turn work in late, when there isn't even a deadline for it?

And remember, upbeat is much closer to beating up than you realize.

Holiday Season

Now that the holidays are swinging into motion, I've got a confession.  I hate culture and tradition.  Specifically when combined around this time of year in the form of The Nutcracker.  I was forced yearly in my younger age to see that bit of theater.

I know.  You're thinking: "How could watching skateboarders mess up doing tricks in a painful to their man parts ways be anything besides great?"  Sadly I'm not talking about funny YouTube videos, but something far less pleasant.

Ballet.  That's right, every little girl across the globe grows up wanting to be a Ballerina.((Which is Russian for "Long Boring Dance"))  They get to wear pink tutus, and really really bore people when they're younger.  Eventually if they work incredibly hard against a lot of other extremely dedicated people, they'll get to bore very large audiences.((Edgar takes up two seats!  He coughs loudly the whole time he isn't snoring!))  Not only is it an incredibly boring thing to watch, they play soothing music in the background.  Then people get angry with you for falling asleep.  What do they expect?

To each his own, but I'm not a fan of ponying up a large sum of money to be in a dark, comfortable, soothing place that does not allow me to sleep.  I can play quiet music in my very own room with the lights off for a lot less money.  As visions of the sugar plum fairy dance in my head.

Why Is It Friday?

Because you gotta get down on Black Friday, Friday, Friday.  Or rather, consistently do the opposite.  Absolutely no getting down, only getting up.

This year Black Friday shenanigans started at midnight in a lot of places, because people who have to work on Black Friday love nothing more than to ruin as much of thanksgiving as possible.  Next year they're going to make you watch the Macy's Day Parade while you wait in line.  Retailers come up with new ideas and advertisements to pique your materialistic nature just as you're supposed to be thankful for what you have.(($200 for a new PS3.  That's what you're thankful for.  You're not thankful that some other jerkwads went out and bought all the PS3's for sale Black Friday morning.  Five years after the system came out.))

But Black Friday is a really good day to get random door busters((Who doesn't love snow globes?  You shake 'em and weird white dust floats awkwardly around a figurine's feet!))  The day is also great for getting presents for everyone on your christmas list.((Check it.  There was a pun there.))  Mostly the one who winks at you when you're looking in the mirror.  You know.  That real sexy cat.  ((The fact that you're fantasizing about felines will not go unjudged.  Lots of judging.  Sexy cat.  Yech.))

Then after your midnight, through two weeks later when the line starts to move, adventure ends you drink some coffee and rush out to the stores that open at 4:00am.  At this point you're sure you can stay awake all night no problem.  About five minutes later everyone is passed out on the expressway home.

Then you dream about why you didn't just wait for Cyber Monday.  Because that uses the internet and doesn't require waiting in very long lines for hours while some people, who have possibly consumed more than their fair share of death, emit odors that are inhumane and lasting.

About Economics

I have no idea about economics.  I'm pretty sure in high school I got a 5 on the AP macro economics test and a 2 on the AP micro economics test.  Micro was considered much easier by everyone else who took the test.  That revealed to me that: I got way luckier with all my guesses on the macro test.  Also, maybe I don't understand money so well.

To try and gain a deeper understanding of money I've started budgeting and tracking my spending.  ((Apparently I spend a lot of money on cookies and Batman.  I don't know if that implies Batman is sending me subliminal messages to eat cookies, but I've got a hunch.))  Another thing I've noticed is that if I finish a week under budget, which is usually considered a good thing, I just feel inefficient.  Why couldn't I close that 2,807 penny gap and meet my goal?

That's the real problem.  With society telling you to write down all your goals to reach them, if you write down a maximum expenditure, it feels like a goal to your brain.  So the obvious thing to do is: set your budget much higher than your income and shoot for the stars!  ((Anyone who wants to send their excess budget my way is more than welcome.  I accept credit cards, IOUs, cash, bear pelts, handshakes, food and original artwork as currency.))

But really, to fix the problem with my brain, I'm going to set my budget at 50% less than the money I have.((Roughly $13.50 all in all.))  That way I can achieve my budgetary goals and still have money left over for next week.  Quitting my job because I'm so efficient with funds, here I come!

I Literally Write Gold

Because I follow these steps whenever I sit down to write:
Step 1 - Write silver
Step 2 - Think about how important build up is
Step 3 - Think about the fine line between building something up and pissing off an audience
Step 4 - Screw with the audience a little
Step 5 - Make the audience want to kill me
Step 6 - Write "Gold"

When I have a hangover and need to write I do each of those steps twice for my own Twelve Step program. But if for some reason those 6 steps don't work for you((Because you're incompetent, or whatever.))  I have some other methods to kick start my writing brain.((A size 12 boot to the temple is a good one.  Write that down.))

-Gripe about not being able to write.  I find it helps me, not at all, to complain loudly to myself that I can't think of anything to write and how I'm terrible at it.  That really brings my mood down and I don't want to write anymore.

-Take any excuse whatsoever to get up ((One second refilling water...)) and leave my train of ((Cat pushed door open, must go close it...)) goods on it's way to Ok((Man Facebook is great.  I could read about Elizabeth's conversation about how coffee snobbery isn't a bad thing forever...))  So really, I get a lot more done while ((Do you know how coffee is made?  It's available everywhere so you just take for granted that it is impossible to grow and make...))  Then pretty much my writing is done!

-My final tactic for really hammering out quality writing is to remind myself that I have a pressing deadline and I'll never finish in time.  Then follow that up with a "If I don't finish in time, I'm a failure" pep talk.  Did I say quality writing?  Because that's what I meant.  Quality.  Writing.  Peroid.  Exclamation point!  Question mark?  All of it, quality.!?

These are just my methods, so I can assure you they'll work for everyone.  ((I believe this is the system Tenacious D used to write the best song in the world.))  Not only that but people who do these things will find themselves more popular with the opposite sex if that's what they're into.  Or more sexual with lamps if that's the sort of thing they love.

Do you have any surefire Smokey the Bear writing tips that will make you write gold?

What Thanksgiving is All About

Thanksgiving is all about ruining any fantasies you entertain about having self control or a loving family.  Most days you wake up and think about how nice it is to be truly deeply cared about.  On thanksgiving you wish you had  been a hermit for years.

Thanksgiving morning you wake up and hell has already started.  Everyone's got that sadistic fmaily member.  The one that murders children in the basement.  The same one who thinks the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade is enjoyable and not a punishment.  It's on when you wake up and you can't watch anything else until the parade ends.  Roughly two and a half weeks later.  Said family member uses dirty guilt ridden words like; tradition, values and change to keep you watching.((Barack Obama always stops by your place too right?  He told us he stops by all the houses of good patriotic god fearing Americans.  I hope he sees you.))

After the parade is over you've got to consume a gluttonous amount of food.  The whole time your Great Aunt Esther is talking loudly about how she has to burp and fart because of the gas in her body.  How she has to take pills for it, and those pills also make her a bit randy.  The goal during dinner is to at no point vomit up everything.  It's good to have unreachable goals.  Besides, cranberry sauce is a really interesting color.

Following dinner you have two options, help with dishes or watch football.  Probably at that point you've started expressing to everyone you love and adore that you'd love to help out, but you were going to give yourself a colonoscopy.  After all the food you've just ate in front of them though, they probably won't buy it.  So suicide it is.

Those are just the good parts though.  If you play your cards right you'll become a millionaire in Vegas and not have to deal with anyone on this festival of family thankfulness.  But you never had a poker face and you'll probably get to help wash dishes.  Maybe when you're done the parade will have ended.  ((Hah!))

Against Internet Shopping

So what are the benefits of going to an in person store?

-You get to drive around looking for parking and curse at the jerkwad in an Yaris who zoomed into that sweet spot you were pulling into.  Three quarters of a mile away from the store.  During the holiday season it only gets better.

-You probably get to wait in lines.  Lines are a lot of fun.  Sometimes other people are in those lines, and you can comisserate with them about how awful it is to stand in a line.  Things during that conversation seem to be going well, so you ask them out on a date.  Just to ensure that the rest of your 13 minute wait is as awkward as possible when they say they're married/washing their hair for the next foreseeable future.  Maybe just wink a lot instead of asking.  Maybe also rub your belly.  Just you know, generic things line activities everyone does.  Maybe you drool a little too, lots of people drool.

Then finally, you're in that store so you can walk away with the item you want right then!  No waiting!  Who knew instant gratification as related to material goods would have come from before the internet age?  Where do actual stores really pull ahead though?  When they have to order in whatever it is you're looking for.

I enjoy spending time driving somewhere, waiting in line to be seen and then talking to a representative for two minutes to realize I could have just stayed home and slept in until 1:00pm.  Ordered my technowizardry while I ate my second bowl of Frosted Flakes.  That might just be me personally though, so I encourage everyone to try wasting their time.

However, you will have to listen to people gripe because everyone does their shopping on the internet and in person stores are dying.  Not a death like dinosaurs, in a huge blast that changes the world.  But like Old Edgar who gets bitter and bitches all the time.  He's on his way out for years and all he does is make you want to kill him.

I'm not saying that stores should have popular items well stocked so as to not lose business to Amazon.  Amazon is a good company, and stores should be honored to lose their business to Amazon.  But instead of trying to actually sell things at your store, focus on the human element.  Stop paying high powered executive salesman,((Note: Wino is an acceptable synonym.)) and start paying pretty high school graduates to hang out and chat with people at your in person stores.

Of Great Ideas!

So everyone knows about tinyurl and uses it a lot.  It's a great service for our short form consumption habits.  You've got a long URL and you want to make it smaller.  Just like everything that's long.  You want to make it smaller.  Ask girls they'll tell you, "That URL is the perfect size for a Twitter user."  ((Note: That is in no way a euphamism for a Twitter enthusiast's genetalia.  They just only have 140 characters to work with, so bigger won't help any, ya' know?))

But there can be so much more!  What about.... shadyurl.com?  It takes a seemingly harmless URL and turns it into a malicious evil seething monster.  For instance ifiwereawriter.com can turn into:

http://5z8.info/bomb-plans_o7o0np_nsfw.

I like that one because it's an nsfw bomb plan.  Most bomb plans are A-OK for the working environment.  But those are usually "Da bomb plans."  The ones Pete is always trying to get you in on.  "Like later tonight dawg, we're goin to tha club n' we're gettin slozzled outta our minds.  It's the bomb-plans man!"

What else can we do to an innocent URL to make people less likely to click onit?  InivisibleURL.  People will see blank posts from you and not know why.  You'll know it's because you're sharing knowledge with those that are brave enough to click on something they can't see.  It's faith.  It's religion.

It's like when you're using your smart phone.  You were trying to zoom in on a loading website, but your phone, correctly, assumed that you actually meant to click a link you couldn't see.  Because people do that.  Intentionally.  But this takes your phone out of the equation.  People everywhere will be clicking randomly all over webpages to find invisible links.((Note: get some invisible advertisements, the click through rate will be great.))  What do those links lead to?  Invisible webpages.  With awesome invisible pictures of Kim Kardashian.

I want all of you developers out there to start working on:

-InvisibleURL
-U%7&8nrea#3458%5.phpt3=?dableURL
- ------- ---((HangmanURL))

Please link back to this article after those services have been created.  Feel free to link to them only in your mind.  I'll know.

To Be Or Not To Be

A well documented scientific fact is that people perform better with less choices.  Choices are like Venom.  They paralyze you.  They hate Spider Man.((I don't want to find sources.  But they exist.  How else would sinks work?))

As you face choices throughout the day it will eat away at your will to do anything. You start off with, "What should I wear?"  You can choose that with relative ease.  Banana hammocks abound.  ((Or banana hammocks if you're a girl.))  Followed by,"What's for breakfast?"  Here you have pancake mix, Fruit Loops and caramel cheesecake. You're worried about your health so you have Fruit Loops.  Then cheesecake.

Jump ahead to lunch time.  You're now having more difficulty.  Jane, your secretary, asks if "You want anything for lunch?" You try and decide between, "A small bowl of french onion soup" or "You-- to leave me alone."  That gets followed up with Jane asking "Do you have any plans tonight?"  To which you respond, "Murdering penguins in Antarctica.  I know they're not native, so I'm having them flown in and dropped, like birds that can't fly, from an airplane, you over inquisitive prick."  You said that instead of "Watching 'The Sing Off'" because you didn't want Jane to lose respect for you.((You can lose respect fine on your own!  You're independent!))

Work for the rest of the day goes alright, but you end up staying late to fix a couple of more things.  On the way home you keep all your fucks, not one is given out.  You pick up a hooker, and blow through all the stop signs.  You see a hobo and give them the rest of your money, $32.47.  When you get home you mix vodka and whiskey and drink it neat while perusing Ebay for bathrobes that look like they were made from a murdered Kermit the Frog and other Muppets.  You don't even brush your teeth before bed, just to show you whose boss.

Hercules killed the hydra and impregnated a ton of girls because "He had no choice."  So obviously, the best way to combat this vicious choice cycle is to have fewer choices.   You can bet your Muppet bathrobe Hercules would have stayed home to watch A Capella groups sing in competition if he had more choices.  So up your heroic quotient!  Throw out your pancakes!  Bring your lunch to work!  Marry a prostitute.  Make decisions now that will help you not make decisions in the future.

Car Troubles

So recently my car has been acting funny.  Not in the starting comedy plays on broadway and getting me mad money for being an actor/car combination the likes of which the world has never seen.((Herbie and Lightning McQueen wouldn't have anything on my car if she decided to start acting.  Nothing.))  It's been more of a "turn the radio up" kind of funny.  Which is arguably, not funny.

But stick with me, what kind of person could assume their car is having a problem when all you can hear is Ke$ha yelling "This place about to blo-o-o-o-owwww."  Followed by Britney Spears saying, "There’s A Countdown Waiting For Me To Erupt."  Listen, I don't believe in signs.  Ask the officer who ticketed me for running one that said "stop."  Also, since I did relatively poorly in algebra and basic math classes the fact that my car seems to be getting 29mpg vs it's regular 33mpg doesn't bother me at all!  I always knew sleeping through math class in high school would work out.  By ignoring this potential car problem it's saving me an infinite amount of time and money, which I could otherwise be spending in a useful proactive way.  Hah!

So you may be wondering what I plan on doing about my car.  But I'm not wondering. I'll just keep driving it until it explodes.  But that never happens.  Cars don't just burst into flames in parking lots.  Right?  That's not a thing?  Pizza Hut parking lots are completely devoid of flaming vehicles?  Anyways I'm not worried.  Not even a little.  Not a teensy weensy bit of worry in me.

Giving Advice Like Abby

Dear Kevin,
     I've been carrying around my doberman since he was a pup.  It has now been 6 years and seven months.  Lately he's been eating so much that I've been having trouble breathing.  It doesn't matter how much running I do, he doesn't get any lighter.  I don't even want to get into what going to the bathroom is like.  Cute girls don't find it funny anymore, nor is anyone impressed with my dedication.
     The vet told me I should just put him down at this point, but he's so loving I am not sure where to start.  What should I do?

Weight On My Chest

Dear Weight On [Your] Chest:  You probably want to put him down with a bang, to show the cute girls the new you, sans doberman.  Try the "Kurt Cobain" and a bullet proof vest.  Check local gun laws and do it between noon and 3:00pm, before kids get home from school.  You don't want the loud noise alarming anyone.

If anyone else has problems they'd like advice about, email Kevin at Apocryphalypse.com  But spell it like it should be!

Reviewing Theater

Why do I do improv?

Last night at an improv show the line, "Having a baby when you're 16 is like a metaphor for being blasted in the face with a shotgun" was said.

That's not why I do improv, that's why I was averse to having a baby when I was 16.  Not that I'm particularly acquainted with being blasted in the face with a shotgun.  I just sort of assume that it's not good.  Because, well, you never hear your friend Richard from school coming up to you and saying, "Hey man.  I went to this awesome 7/11 robbery the other night.  Me and Pete got a couple of PBR 40s and stuck the place up with shotguns.  The clerk was all shades of uninterested until we blasted him in the face with a shotgun.  After that it was faceless party central!"

But, when you're at an improv show, complex human interactions can be broken down on the spot and clarified showing you the whole interconnected and similar nature of people everywhere.  Sure that can happen with your friends and conversation.  But let's be honest, I'd rather feel civilized and get my epiphanies after paying money and sitting in a theater over getting drunk and babbling away at a bar.

I'm not implying that you only have meaningless conversations with your drunk friends that will never amount to anything instead of going to improv shows because you're silly and classless.  Not at all!  I'm flat out saying it!

It's not too late though.  You can find out what drunken firefighters are likely to do, and the average goings on at an African safari, all from the comfort of a theater!

Of Paradoxes

And this next part, I'm not making it up.

When people are telling stories that you assume to be true, they always throw this in.  Probably, they do it to emphasize how amazing it was that this next thing happened.  This next part, I'm not making up.

The elephant ran across the tent and bludgeoned the Overweight-Pudgy-Ball-Man((Oddly enough not a performer in the circus, just a titled gentleman.)) in the head until dead.  Until the man was dead that is.  I'm sure the elephant could have bludgeoned a lot longer had it been doing it until it's own death.  

Now, the first thing that you will have noticed about that bit, is that I made it up.  All of it.  Complete bugger blasted nonsense.  Before saying, "I did not make this up" I had no intention of lying to you, dear reader.  But after writing that phrase the need to make something up overtook me.  It wasn't my fault.  Yet, as an author, when that phrase is written it's solely to make statements more believeable.  I've noticed that people who tell me I can trust them are also more reliable.  But really, this next part, I'm really not making up.

That phrase is really silly and I think in the future I'll just tell it like it is.  You can decide if you believe me or not, with or without my indication as to the madeupness of the proceeding statements.

So here we go, time to use your intellect as opposed to taking whatever this author gives you.

I'm going to write a lot more after this.

On Technological Advancements

Amazing news!  A company, Innovatorizers, has just developed an electronic paper-display that acts like real paper.  That is to say it spends most of it's days waiting tables in hopes that one day someone will see it being such a good pretend piece of paper at an upscale restaurant they'll let it pretend that it is in fact paper in front of a huge audience.  Big bucks are in store for this technology, just you wait.

The really cool thing is you can crumple and bend this e-paper and it won't break!((...Probably!))

This is exactly what I'e been waiting for.  I'm a habitual technology crumpler.  But when I bend and smash all my other ereaders they stop working, so this invention is set to save me a ton of money.  Also, on regular ereaders I've got to use pliers to bend them like I want.  That's a lot of extra energy and tools I could do without.  Let me tell you, people with demo devices are not a fan of me.  Until now!

Also, one thing I've noticed about phones and laptops, is that I can usually find them.  Phones are small enough that I'll need to call them, and laptops can usually be found with some creative blanket lifting and well timed curses.  With paper-sized technology though, I could shove it in a notebook and forget about it. I'm always looking for ways to up my hide and seek skills, and this seems really promising.

Paper sized and functioning technology?  Ready or not, here I come!

Coffee Alternatives

Its 5:45am.  Edna stumbles into the kitchen.  She pours coffee grounds into the blender and puts water in the microwave and turns it on.  Ten minutes later she's not awake, but aware that she didn't make the coffee quite as the directions specified.  After two additional minutes of cursing and reminding herself where she hides her kids toys and calf-level cabinets she's fixed the coffee problem and developed a new set of bruises and contusions.  Problem fixed because she left the house before she had any.

Are there better ways to break your coffee addiction?  Definitely not.  But there are alternatives to coffee in the morning.

Tea!  Tea snobs everywhere know how healthy tea is compared to coffee.  Antioxidants!  Oriental wisdom!  So what that you still have your caffeine addiction and a more expensive habit.  It's healthy!  In moderation.  So don't have too much though.

Another alternative to coffee in the morning is having a baby.  Babies are better than alarms because they can sustain a much higher pitch and have absolutely no snooze button.  Those only last for 2-5 years until you break down and move out to get an extra 15 minutes of sleep.  You can always have more babies, but this is the most time consuming alternative to coffee.  However, also the funniest if you think cats and dogs being chased and abused toddlers is funny.  It is.  Hahaha.

Another way to get energized in the morning is to exercise.  The health benefits of exercise haven't been fully proven.  Which is why watching what you eat and exercising never actually leads to weight loss.  But exercise combined with a fad diet can lead to weight loss, and more energy in the morning!  It's best to go from zero to sixty with exercise.  If you haven't been active lately, promise you'll be running 8 miles a day while memorizing passages from Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment for the next month.  Anything less than that and you'll come across as a resolutional wuss.  You'd never be able to show your face at the day-after-new-years-eve-depressing-yearly-outlook dinner again.

If none of these alternatives to coffee in the morning seem to be your style, get a new style!

For Interviews

So you've got a big interview coming up for a big company.  There are some things you can do to make sure that you're looked at in the highest light and are likely to be interviewed and hired.  Bribe the HR worker you're corresponding with.  ((HR stands for Has specific Receptiveness to being bribed, look it up.))

Other than that you can try making your resume look really great and have lots of important and accurate information on it.  Remember, don't put things like "Experienced Male Dancer" and "Great in the Sack" unless you're applying to be a stripper and are prepared to dance with poles until they hire you.  No one knows why they always have you dance with Polish people in that situation, but it's unavoidable.

Also a good cover letter can make up for some lacking experience in a resume.  A good cover letter shows you're really very full of yourself and maybe read the "about" section of the company's website.  Companies like people who can read about sections.  The only thing companies like more is people who write about their about sections.((double about and you'll catch a trout!))

Also, in general, the more ridiculous and inhuman the vocabulary you use becomes, the more intelligent people will percieve you as.

Applying for a writer's position?

You may have:
"I do not use the passive voice."

Why not punch that up to:
"A passive manner of speaking, is not one, that I intend to utilize come hell or high water.  Tidal wave kind of high water.  Smoked a lot of dope kind of high water.  Get what it is I am referring to?  **wink wink**"

Another example for instance, "Worked at a daycare, and punched Timmy when he'd start fights."  Sure there's an honesty there, but companies would much prefer to see some nonsense like, "My last vocational pursuit entailed mediating the troubles of juviniles between 18 months and 5 years of age."  HR reps want to know that if they're ever forced to talk to you at a company party, because someone paid them a fiver, they can make an excuse to leave very quickly. The more words you use that have little to no everyday meaning the more likely it is that you'll take up none of their party time with your incredibly boring antics.

So go out and do something incredibly boring that you could put on a resume.  Maybe that you're a really hard worker and spend 60+ hours a week doing mundane business related tasks!  No one would want to hear about that at a party, so you'd definitely get the job.

Ticket and a Show.

How much does a ticket and a show cost these days?  I'll give you an itemized list of costs.

$42.00 - Ticket to see comedian.
$86.05 - Gas getting to show and friend's place and back.
$162.50 - Another ticket, for coming back from the show too quickly.  You know those "targeted enforcement area" signs that indicate you're more likely to get pulled over there?  That's a statistical sort of liklihood, in actuality they can still pull you over in other places too.  Don't drive too fast through crowded elementry schools is what I'm trying to say.

See when you're driving long distances and making great time, you should do so in a way that police officers do not take note of how great the time your making is.  "Golly son, I clocked you going about 80 there.  You'd be home in 1/3rd the time at that rate!  Why don't you sit in the car for 'bout half an hour while I sit in mine.  You can wonder about what it is I'm doing in my car."  He then whispers, "Honestly I just like taking my hat off, and putting it back on.  I keep little dice in there.  They rattle around some.  Kinda feels funny on my head, ya'know?"  See, police just hate it when people are getting somewhere too quickly.

On my efficient use of time ticket there was a further breakdown of all the different fines I had accrued and what they meant.  Things like "J.C.P./A.T.J - Judicial Computer Project/Access to Justice."  I didn't know you had to be charged extra for access to justice.  But that's well worth it, if you don't pay that one I expect they send you off to Guantanamo.

They explained each charge like the "J.C.P./..." and so on, except for one:

The obviously self explanatory, "COSTS."  Because, you know, people have costs.  You know the ones.  Like.  When they buy stuff.  Listen, if you don't understand costs by now, there's nothing I can do for you.

So the next time you're driving too fast, remember that it too has it's costs.

During the Bad Times.

Sometimes things go wrong.

You should really prepare for these things, so that they don't ruin your life.  Or, if you're a live-on-the-edge kind of person you can throw caution out the window!

If you do this while driving, watch out for pedestrians and road workers.  Those signs that say, "Hit a worker, $10,000 fine" make it sound like you're getting a prize, but you're actually not.  Unless, of course, you think a prize is giving lots of money to your state.  If you consider it a charity for the worker you hit, maybe that will make it seem like a good cause!  Remember, it's all about mindset.

If you've been relying on your phone to keep text messages, because that's what it's always done, stop right there.  Next thing you know you're going to be talking about how an object in motion will stay in motion, am I right?  Idiot.  In a vacuum it might, but here in the real world?  It's gunna stop.  Friction, or Murphy as he's better known, does not take brakes.

Except the brakes from your car, when you're not looking.  Or maybe when you are looking because there's nothing you can do about it.  Hah!

So chin up buckaroo, get back on that pommel and have some safety nets put up all around you.  Wear a helmet.  Brush your teeth.  And watch out!

On Statistics

Today's blog post is brought to you by the number "e."  It may seem irrational, but I've got 2.72 reasons why you should read this article anyways.  Also a general lack of understanding numbers and statistics brings you this post.((Remember, 47.1% of all statistics are made up on the spot.))

There have been a variety of people and pictures and articles going on about the Occupy Wallstreet/Dallas/YourMomLOL movement going around the country.  I'm not a rocket scientist, but there have also been some statistics running rampant.  Mostly people claiming to be a certain percent of the population.((Just wanted you to know I'm not a rocket scientist.  I give off that vibe, and it confuses people, unrelated to the article though.))

"I'm the 99%!"
"I'm the 53%, stop whining."

...and so on.

It makes one wonder what these people are claiming to be.  Let's say for arguments sake that there are 300 million people living in America.  That would make any single person roughly 3.3*(10^-7).  Which.  Is not.  53% of anything.  ((Okay, fine one person is 53% of 1.767*(10^-7)people in our make believe population, but you're being nitpicky.))

The fact that any two people could claim to be 53% and 99% of any population is astounding!  That would mean there is 142% of people running around out there.  I want to know what the 42% of the population that doesn't exist has to say about all this.  I bet they're pretty displeased.  I bet buckets of money they are.  Oh look, I just got buckets of money, I was right.

But maybe these people didn't mean they were part of the population with a certain outlook or anything.

Maybe that 53% is people who enjoy strawberry jelly more than grape jelly on their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.((As is right and good.))  The 99% could be 99% of people who have not been a target of immaculate conception.((Remember teenagers, abstinance only works 99.99% of the time!))

My advice is: if you do want to make a point, get rid of these exact numbers from your conversation.  They're false exaggerations and just hyperbole anyways, so let's use words!  Let's turn 99% into, "Sure there may be one, or two people out there who like your proposal, but they're not speaking up."  53%?  More like, "Golly, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who agree with me."  Try and do this throughout your life, for clarity's sake.

True story: 64%  A WHOLE BUNCH of people looked up immaculate conception after reading this. 100% ALL OF THEM were teenagers.  13% NOT MANY found out that they will give birth to the next messiah.

Writing Legal Papers

So recently, through no fault of my own((How was I supposed to know that Disney characters were all under copyright protection?)), I recently received a cease and desist letter.  At first I didn't know what to do because they used big scary legal terms like, "Dear Mr. Stevenson."

Don't worry, I went out immediately and hired my own lawyer.  He's a really great guy and it only cost me $638.94 to meet with him and talk about the letter.  He told me that I was getting him really cheap for that service.

Anyways, after he read the letter and did some research it was determined that "Mr. Stevenson" was in fact myself.  That threw me off, I wasn't sure how I would cease and desist being me.  I paid him another $222.00 and he figured out that there was actually more to the letter.  It had even more scary legal terms we would have to contend with.

Here's what some of the letter looked like,

"...Dear Mr. Stevenson:

This law firm represents FairUse Inc.

We are writing to inform you that your unlawful copying of FairUse's copyrighted work infringes on our client's exclusive copyrights.  Accordingly, you are hearby ordered to

CEASE AND DESIST ALL COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT..."

((My lawyer then told me that writing those letters gets you extra cred, with other lawyers, the more times you use a single word like "copyright" and maintain the legal validity of the document.))  I've been using a lot of copyrighted work for my own personal gain, so obviously I was pretty spooked about this message.  But my lawyer assured me that the letter didn't want me to cease and desist "ALL" infringement, just the parts that were FairUse's.

So I did that, and asked my lawyer if there was anything else I should do about this.  He said I should definitely pay him another $724.68((I was assured that his prices were definitely NOT random and based on how much rent was due and the current alignment of the planets, which is a well documented medical billing algorithm.)) and buy him lunch for all the good work he did. I paid him $811.64 because you should always tip lawyer's 12%, or they'll send cease and desist not tipping them letters until you hire another lawyer to send the first lawyer cease and desist sending cease and desist not tipping us letters.  It can all spiral out of control pretty quickly.

But if anyone is looking to buy Looney Tunes prints, let me know!

Inflation of Costs

Sometimes companies come up with interesting ways to combat people stealing merchandise.  A favorite of mine is when they raise prices.  "Hey there uh guy.  I see we've been losing a lot of our 'uselesslittlethings' and they cost $20 a pop!"  A manager may say.

"Yes sir, they do seem to be stolen a lot."

"Well, to fix this we're going to raise prices.  Because if we can't sell our smallest merchandise we're really screwed as a company.  Like, we don't have a profit margin.  If we don't make money on the 'uselesslittlethings' you can kiss your job goodbye.  Moral of the story, they're $25 now."

An employee may be confused at this point and say, "But sir, that will only punish the people who don't steal things and make the thieves more likely to steal, because the item is more expensive."  That employee may then be fired.  Unless their boss had a speech impediment that made their "f's" sound like "h's."

Here is an insight into the mind of one dasterdly thief after finding out about the price hike.  "Well, I was going to steal it.  But since it costs more to other people, who I don't care about, I'm going to go ahead and steal it."  It's a grave lesson they learned, but at least they were taught!

Hopefully big corporations will see the error of their ways and look into other ways to solve the problem.  Like breaking the knees of everyone who doesn't steal something.  Maybe insulting their clothes or children.  There's so much room for improvement.  Inconveniencing other people unrelated to the thief will teach them an important lesson!  The other people that is.  The lesson being, steal more because the people you shop from don't care about you!

Professional Fairs

Are you a salesman of some sort of technology?  Do you like sitting behind a desk and desperately trying to gain the attention of people who just came to see you, but couldn't care less about seeing you?

We've got an event you're bound to enjoy!((Note: that's supposed to be written as "bound to, enjoy!" the author doesn't understand commas though, apologies.))

Technology fairs!

Often times these events are held on college campuses where there are hundreds of faculty and thousands of students more than willing to sleep through and forget about it entirely.  So you'll have plenty of time to network and connect with the other bored put-off technology fair workers.  That's not all, a lot of times the technology is actually cutting edge and entertaining!  Like televisions playing movies.  If you're the type of person who enjoys watching "History of Violence" on a small screen in a large loud room repeating in a loop, they've got that!

There are tablet computers you can touch, there are big electronic whiteboards you can touch, and there are prizes being given out that you can absolutely not touch.  To touch those prizes, people must agree to come back at a certain, much later, time.  That person coming back is really likely, as technology and job fairs are nonstop fun houses of excitement and intrigue.  No one feels like cattle at all!  ((Ignore the herding dogs, they just love the exciting atmosphere.))

So; if you don't like sleeping, you like awkward stinted conversations with otherwise cool people, you enjoy feeling put on the spot and have absolutely nothing better to do, stop on by a technology fair and network it up!

About Broca's Area

I'm what some would refer to as, "Quite the hep cat, with a catywampus swagger that's the bees knees and the cat's meow."  So, needless to say though it is, I'll say it anyways:  I'm down with kids' terminologies and lexicon.  Their vocabulary is my vocabulary.

But it alarms me that some of our words are going missing.

What I believe happened is:  The valley girl part of everyone's brain was driving along the highway when it was in a horrible crash with all the words we use.  People can still talk, but sometimes the ends of their words just drop off.  The terms and phrases might never have come out of the hospital, or they did but they're just not the same.  It's probs not a big... OH NO!  That's totes unaccept... WTF?  I mean, irl this isn't a problem cuz it's just about how you sound. But have our vocal chords really become so tired with the tedium of speaking that we can't coerce them into going through with entire words?  In fact, yes.  This is a society that has a one character symbol for a two letter word. @Lazyness.

Don't expect more from your fellow people than an utterance such as, "Good dinner, like totes delish!"

Since we're not going to get around this shortening problem, I'll provide some tips so you can seem like a member of a generation you're not a part of.((Note, use this language at your own risk.  Even if used with technical precision younger people may giggle at you for trying.  They've also been known to use terms like, "fathead," and "fugly" injudiciously at offenders.))

"Probs not" -Prohbs naht
Used to imply that something is unlikely to occur. "Date him?  Probs not!"  Note: Never used as a positive, you aren't "probs going" you'd "probs not be going."
Valley Girl synonym: "As if!"

"Totes" -toetss
This is a positive exclamation/affirmation.  "Yeah I'm totes coming tonight."
Valley Girl synonym: "Like totally"

"Obvy" -Ahbvee
This term is used to declare a statement of something incredibly clear.  Usually used alone in response to another statement.  "So are you into him?"  "Obvy"
Valley Girl synonym: "For sure!"

Also, if you come across a word with more than one syl, just drop off everything after that, or wherevs it sounds good.  Advanced speakers can even do this with foreign words to make them mean something new.  Konichiwa -> Konich -> "Good," or whatever else you want it to be!

Now you can totes carry on convos with the pop kids.  But probs not really, you're hopelessly helpless.  Obvy.  After all, you're appsauce for brains.

Konich till next time!

Production Value

I hear people throwing around the phrase "Production Value" like it was one character's catchphrase in Super 8.  Well I've got news for you, it is!  But that's not the only news I've got for you, it's much more than that.  It's.  Production Value.

What does it mean to have production value?  It means when people walk by and see it, the first thought in their head is, "Those guys with production value, they most definitely do not talk about having intercourse with trees.  Not even once, for fun!"  It's really important to cultivate production value and professionalism in your business or personal life for just that reason.  Otherwise people will think you're constantly in a complicated relationship with a deciduous  Ann Magnolia.  Who doesn't return your calls.  But it's not because she doesn't like you, she's just got a lot going on, what with winter coming up and her needing to shed her leaves and all.  Besides she's happy being alone, she doesn't need someone with production value to be with her.

Hah!  If you believe that it's because you haven't got any production value!  If you had any, of course even trees would want to have relationships with you.  Remember production value is only a "re" away from reproduction value!

Some ways you can increase your production value:
-Spend money!  That's really the best way to make yourself look good.  Buy the most expensive things available.
-Make it look like you spent money!  If you don't actually have the funds to spare, find some consistency.  You just need all of your crappy stuff to look the same.  That way people will assume you did it on purpose.
-Stop having sex with trees.  That's the opposite of production value.

So after you've spent some money call up ol' Ann Magnolia and tell her, "Hey deciduous Ann, I'm above you!  I don't want to date you at all ever again!"  Then sit back and relax as she, and all the other people try to get in on your impressive ground-floor, if you know what I mean.((I mean the floor with the checkerboard tile that goes really well with your solid marble columns that hold up your mansion.  In case that wasn't clear.))


ps: Remember, even though Ann will now want to date you, you must say no!  Otherwise she'll realize all your production value is just a clever ruse and you just want to get back to tree humping!

Describing What's Impossible

To anyone out there who doesn't believe that anything is possible, note this:

A poem of Rhymes for Orange

Today I was walking along, eating an orange
But I, being silly, hit my head on a door hinge.
I vomitted immediately creating a brown floor-tinge
Angry, it got cleaned up with fire! ((A sore-singe.))
The lady coming over later, will "whore cringe."
((Which is similar to the look on one's face after a bore-binge))

Really I'll just call it a day.  At it's core, fringe.
And tomorrow, I will have no orange.

Another poem!  Now with 94% more motivation!

You think something can't be done?  You're wrong.
I once heard a deaf man sing a beautiful song.
Stop what you're doing, stop right now,
Get up and go out, be better somehow!
Fight the good fight, or the bad one real well,
Just fight your own fight, or you're in your hell.

Now, I understand that some of you don't have the proclivity((no idea what that word means)) for writing exquisite poetry like myself.  But that doesn't mean you can't!  Drink a little alcohol, sit in your favorite chair, read a couple of Dr. Seuss poems... and then get a life.  You're drinking alone while reading Dr. Seuss as an adult?

...That's normal.  But again, you can do it.  Nothing is impossible.  You think your BA in English doesn't qualify you for any jobs?  What about ruining people's lives and wreaking havoc with their emotions!  Think just because you've spent your whole life up to now learning the specific applications of thermodynamics to self-contained assholes you can't stop and become a hooker?  Wrong!  Really, you're the only person who gets in your way.

Though inanimate objects get in your way too.  Like door-hinges.  The fire department is looking into whether or not cleaning up vomit with fire is arson or not.  They have a lot of nit-picky questions like, "Why were all of your cats locked up in a cage right where the fire started if you weren't trying to kill them?"  I've got to go deal with that.

Explaining Programming

For anyone not computer savvy, I'll explain what learning to and actually programming is like.  It's like telling the stupidest person you know, let's say "Jake," how to do the simplest task.  Jake isn't regular stupid though, he is all the way stupid.

So let's say, as a programmer/friend, you want to get Jake to go on a walk with you.  Mind you he's not handicapped in any way, Jake looks just like a normal person, he's got arms, legs, feet, etc.  Everything a person has.  Except, if you don't tell him right off the bat that he can use his feet he's got no idea.  You can't just say "Hey man, let's go walk to the store."  No, you've got to say something like:

{ Jake, this is where your instructions for our walk are gunna start

*You can use your legs
*You can use your eyes

This is the plan {

GoForAWalk(){

Use your eyes to see if anything is in your way {

{
A.If not, use your legs and move forward
}

{
B.Otherwise, use your eyes to find a way that's not
obstructed, then A.
}
}
}
}

Jake, this is where your instructions for our walk end }

So that right there would make it so you could say "Hey Jake, GoForAWalk, with me."

And he would!  Not a good walk, he'd go straight until he hit something, stop, turn until something wasn't in front of him then go straight again. But it is a walk, and you got him to do it.  Congratulations!

However, on top of being generally dumb Jake's consistently hung over.  So he's ornery about shit, specifically grammar and capitalization.  If you say to him, because you're tired, "Hey Jake, goforAWalk, with me" he will act like he has NO IDEA what you mean.  Sure, there's only one thing you've told him how to do, so that's all he can do.  But he would just sit there.  Saying, "goforAWalk?!  Wtf are you trying to tell me.  If you said GoForAWalk I could do that, but fuckin... goforAWalk... I have no idea man."  He'll usually be able to correct things, but won't unless you tell him that it's a good idea to.

This is why programmers are unanimously against physical activity. In their brain they have to try and explain these simple tasks to someone like Jake, and after about two minutes of that train of thought they never want to move again.

Back from Vacation

Here's the trouble with telling anyone that you're going on a trip or vacation.  When you get back, they'll ask about it.  Everyone.  Not together in a big semi-circular room where you can orate all of your best experiences.  No, they'll ask you one at a time as they pass by.  As they pass by very quickly, they've got coffee to buy.  As they pass to go to the bathroom.  As they just walk by you, they don't want real conversation.

So after about six people and you recounting the main two things you did, all of the sudden you couldn't care less about your vacation/trip.  Sure, it was Venice, when the terrorists attacked and you and a gondola captain together fended them off. ((There was that one beautiful moment when the boat was obviously done for.  But the captain had to go down with his ship.  He sunk down to knee depth in the water, and stood there until he starved to death.  You finished fighting the no goodniks with your wit, and memories of that brave captain.)) But you wouldn't say that to a crowd of people throwing money at you, if you've already explained it to seventeen people who wouldn't care if you were offering sexual favors for their attention.

Then the next wave of people you encounter get up in arms because all you say about your trip was, "It was good" then punch them in the throat until they can never ask a question again.  Somehow they don't understand how you just got back and don't want to talk about your time away.  That's the last you'll think about it for weeks or months at a time.

Then, later on, you're talking to your old pal Elmo and one of your vacation experiences is relevant.((You're on a cruise ship and ol' Elmy is fasting for the next twenty minutes until lunch.  Just like that captain.))  You recount your tale to your compatriot.  Which pisses them off because it's been months and "All you ever talk about is that one stupid trip."  Then you say how stupid it was that the captain had to die because of the stupid terrorists.  "Have I told you that story, the one where he went down with his ship?" You inquire.  "You're going to go down on this ship if you're not careful!" Elmy retorts.  "I don't think me and this cruise ship are ready for that quite yet.  But there was that time a girl went down on me when I was in Venice, did I tell you about that?" It goes on until Elmo, with a strange glint in his eyes, murders you repeatedly again and again and again.

So the moral of the story is, don't tell people when you're going on a trip.  Or stop doing acid all together.

Of Obituaries

William "Bad Boy Billy" Kenmel.

New York City: Sunday, September 25th, 2011 passed away of tippling and fighting with cops too often. Immediately after his last fight, while running away, he did not check both ways to see if the street was clear.  It was not.  He threw himself under the bus as it were. He was a bouncer and a boozer for 23 years up until his death.

Friends and family say he was taken too late.  His wife was quoted as saying, "If only crying could bring him back, I'd have my tear ducts removed."  Billy was predeceased by his asshole of a brother twenty seconds earlier.  He is survived by his cocaine handler, Gerald G who had the good sense to run away while the cops pulled Kenmel's body from under the bus.

There will be no memorial service, but anyone who wants to drunkly urinate or spit on his grave out of spite is welcome at the Lowlifes Park Cemetary/Landfill any time after midnight from here until the end of time.

Advertising for Google

Google analytics might be the most addicting thing ever*. It may also be the only reason I ever post a new blog entry.  It will tell you everything about anyone who looks at your website.

-How many people have viewed your website.
-What web browser they use.
-Where they got to your website from.
-What operating system they use.
-The day/week they viewed your website.
-Whether they prefer frilly pink or lacey purple thongs.
-The percent chance they may want to date you**.

And more!

I'm not saying you should go out and get google analytics right now for your cat's website.  I'm just saying, maybe it would be nice to know where in the world people are looking at your cat from.  Also, if you find out that they aren't wearing as much clothes as you want them to, maybe look into posting less weird pictures of your cat.

Most of all remember, with great knowledge comes terrible and weird dreams.  Purplecatthongpicture dreams.  Do not imagine that.  It's not pretty.  Sort of funny though, right?



*Then again, cocaine might be the most addicting thing ever.  Scientists are still on the fence about that.  It's their punishment for doing bad research.  They can come down from there when I let my hungry pitbull Biff back in.
**That's obviously a joke.  Google knows the percent chance of someone who looks at Google analytics getting a date is 0.

For the Service Industry

Here's the scenario.  It's a Monday without work.  Not vacation, but no work none the less.  The possibilities are endless.  Will you sit around and watch TV?  Or will you get up, walk over to your computer and watch Netflix?  It's days like this where the sky's the limit.  Maybe you'll read about Netflix while you watch TV.  Anything is possible.

Then.  You get the call.  The one that is bound to ruin your otherwise perfect Monday.  The one that wants you to do something.  Serving wine this time, another time watching someone's dog, going to the bar with friends, blowing up dynamite, wining the lottery, it doesn't matter!  Since it wasn't already planned, you're against it.  You scorn the person who just calls up, assuming you have nothing better to do then whatever it is they suggest.  So what if you don't?  This is your day off, and dammit you were going to enjoy it.  If it weren't for that person calling you, you probably would've written your story.  The one about the Netflix television overmind robot that you control and thus control America.  If you had the time that is.

After complaining for no reason for a few hours you finally acquiesce and agree to serve wine.((I will not make any references whatsoever about how complaining to someone would already count as serving whine.  Honestly, we're adults.))  When and where?  How long?  Why?  What did I do to deserve this?  Is it my fault Grandma died?  What do I have to wear?  Wine serving, really?

"Fine.  Yeah I'll do it.  Yeah, no problem.  Yeah, that's fine."

During the event you felt weird that old women were molesting you and taking more free wine.  Afterwards you wonder, "Why did only one old woman molest me?  Aren't I attractive and giving out free wine?  Molestation should abound!"  You're ornery about that.  You think about the movie you could've watched where so many old women molested the hero.  You must not be the hero here.

You wonder if this wine serving gig will lead to future gainful employment.  That conversation plays out in your head.

"Hey, you did really great tonight.  Really helpful, thanks!"
     "Hey, no problem.  Are you looking for help for any other events?"
"Well, we could always use more volunteer wine servers, of course."
     "Oh yes, well I've really been trying to cut down on my volunteering to serve wine."
"Oh, do you do it often then?"
     "It's my Kryptonite."

Wine serving.  100% of the people who have asked me to serve wine have gotten me to serve wine.  On my day off.  A day where otherwise anything could have happened.

On Etiquette

Understanding Facebook Etiquette,

How many people have posted something like, "Shittiest day ever, dog's in hospital, father got run over by a car and I got fired from my job." Only to get more angry and depressed when some of your cruel shitty friends "like" your status.

Stop right there!  You're an idiot!  It seems that they're liking all the bad things happening to you because you interpret "like" literally.  When people like "bad day" statuses they are just saying, "Hello dearest friend, I have also had shitty days and know what you're going through.  But, I'm so glad it's not happening to me your poor schmuck.  HAH!"  That last part is because you have bad friends.

Let's look at some other potential statuses and what "liking" them could mean.

"Gabriel and Betty are no longer in a relationship"
-Your friends who like this are saying, "I'm so glad you finally got rid of your oppressive overbearing girlfriend, she was really bringing you down. You should hear what she says about you after we have sex."

"Dog got ran over by a car, worst day ever."
-People who like this are comisserating that you have indeed had a rough day.  Yet they're happy that the unavoidable death of a dog is the worst thing that's ever happened to you.  Really, that's a plus!  So stop being such a little girl.

"Clowns stole my car."
-That's just awesome.  Legit, they just like that.

So remember, your friends aren't necessarily brutish asses.  Maybe you're just being ornery and need to cut it out Mrs. Debbie Downer.

Reviewing 3D Movies

Is the market for 3D movies TOO BIG?


There's been a lot of really original groundbreaking 3D movies coming out since the technology became popular.  Pirahna 3D, for example.  My Bloody Valentine 3D, for another example.  I could go on.

The only thing holding the 3D industry back is their fear of being too successful.  If I had anything to do with the new Clash of the Titans 3D movie I'd fear being flooded with too many party invitations and unsolicited date requests from attractive girls.  We've all been down that terrifying road before.

So, to keep actors, directors and producers of 3D entertainment((Note: I am not referring to any entertainment that actually goes into 3 dimensions whatsoever)) safe from the 3D market exploding realistically like a grenade in your living room, here are some policies and guidelines to follow:

1. Only sell 3D DVDs to parapalegic people who walk into the store.  If you sell DVDs to just anyone, how will other people know how exclusive and great they really are?((Note: This is referring to the paraplegic people.  Your DVDs are clearly not going to be great.  We're protecting you, remember?))

2.  Remake, remake, remake!  I cannot stress this enough, if you're not remaking an old movie it has no place in the current 3D market.  There's a small buy steady market for "The Final Destination" and don't you dare try to branch out.  What if the movie you make gets nominated for an Emmy or an Oscar?  You don't want to be in that bright 2,000 watt spotlight.  Maybe you'll melt!  Don't even risk it.

3.  If you think your movie will make too much money in theaters, which is very likely, it is acceptable and encouraged to do a straight to DVD release.  For some reason not everyone owns a 3D television yet.  Why people don't want to look like twits wearing funny glasses in their own homes is a mystery for sure, but right now you'll be safe.  ((Note: Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert.  A huge hit with children, but no one else))

4.  If you're still keen on a theater release, make sure you charge $3 more per 3D movie ticket compared to a regular ticket.  There's no way to gauge beforehand whether the whole movie is 3D, or just forty seconds.  That $3 gamble will keep out less adventurous riffraff.


That's just a humble start.  Following those steps will keep out the mass of people that make things unbearably popular.  But if even after all of that someone starts becoming too successful, like when the new Three Musketeers 3D hits theaters, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

For The Onion

I would write this article:  Local Children Found Running Drug Ring Around the Rosie.

Today in Boulder, CO, a group of local children were suspected to be selling off pockets full of posie.  Posie is not cheap, and these children are excellent negotiators requiring you to provide enough "Cashes, cashes to make them all fall down."  Thankfully for the druggies, young people don't have a real concept of money and you could probably make them fall down with a couple of well placed twenty dollar bills.

But don't think that they're entirely dumb.  One man tried to trick them with the classic seventy five dollar bill.  The children pulled out their nines and gats, and shot at him while calling him, "A meanie-dumb-fat-head!"  The man confided in us that it was really very hurtful, as he just never lost his baby fat.  He's now in the hospital getting treatment for three gunshot wounds and a hurt ego.

Police are trying to shut them down.  But they seem to be running a perfectly legitimate lemonade stand as a cover.  If you have any information about where these deals actually go on, please call 1-800-GETTHOSEKIDS.


But, I'm not a writer for The Onion, so this is just my article!